We all deserve a vacation, even the ever stoic Living Dilbert! All of us, people! If you are working full-time, part-time, not working, seeking work, an incredible housewife, a mom, a dad, disabled, in college, etc. – please give yourself a fucking break! It’s ok! Let go of all the “I should be”, “I shouldn’t be”, “I can’t afford it” bullshit clutter in your mind and do it! It doesn’t have to be far away or expensive. Find your place that brings you peace.
Living Dilbert wouldn’t be Living Dilbert without a work story, so here is one of a million. Kick-Ass coworker texts me to say Collassul C a/k/a Twatwaffle is in rare form today, meaning as a team member in our group she’s found even more ways to be a worthless sack of shit when it comes to helping with the workload of the team. I created an entire email scenario that I sent to Kick- Ass to cheer her…but, I kind of enjoyed it.
I basically know Sack’s arrival time and where she parks in work garage. I drive to work and do some recon. I lay low, far enough away so she doesn’t see me or car. I learn her exact car and routine. She arrives between 9:30 and 9:45 every day. Her car and arrival times become ingrained in my memory and I proceed home to perfect my plan, which will take a few days.
I will return a week later (big garage and busy) in a rental car wearing a very believable disguise. Hair shape and color will be altered, I will have a prosthetic nose and will have learned techniques to look 20 years older and I will lay in wait. She’ll arrive late (as always) and I’ll give it 11 minutes while she races upstairs to log in. I’ll work fast to be certain she didn’t forget anything in her car, first checking for her security badge. I know she’s desperate to log in because she fears she’ll be discovered as the Sack she is.
I’ll get out of my rental car (in which I’ve removed the plate prior to arrival) and calmly walk to her car after glancing to make sure no one around. I’ll pull out my long knife and quietly insert it once, like butter, into each tire until all four are done. I’ll go back to car and calmly leave the scene. Yes, dear readers, of course I’ll wear gloves!
She’ll come out promptly at 6:00, after feigning work all day as she has done for 13 years and knows it and proceed to shit in her pants. I’ll crawl into bed that night and between uncontrollable giggles, fall into the best slumber in years and have beautiful dreams. I’ll have to tell K-A after deed is done….wait….I won’t because I want her to have no knowledge. If she mentions it during one of our delightful lunches, I’ll simply reply, “Karma, baby!” and smile on the inside. Don’t think me awful readers…the above scenario is a coping mechanism. I looked for the slightest glimmer of good in Sack for 5 years…I swallowed many an urge to knock her flat. Never saw a hint of good.
Back to the first part of this blog. Please plan a vacation of some sort. Remember to see the beauty in the world, wherever that is….for you.
I appreciate you – LD