Growth.

18 Jun

livingdilbert:

Hi, all! Please don’t worry and forgive me for reblogging the last two posts, but this one is SO good. I thought about writing on the same subject (undiagnosed chronic pain) and I’m sure I eventually will in my own Living Dilbert way. ūüėĀ. However, this one really made some incredible analogies that I could not leave unworshipped and part of our blog community is sharing other voices. Living Dilbert gives this 4 stars. I laughed, too, because I’ve started taking care of all the plants in the house and I even TALK TO THEM! Honestly, I’m looking for my own place in the sun. Karma, maybe?

Originally posted on Indisposed and Undiagnosed:

If you are stuck at home like I am most days, and are struggling to find something productive to do that doesn‚Äôt require a lot of energy ‚Äď grow a plant.

You can start from scratch or you can purchase a baby bulb that has just begun its growth cycle.

Two years ago, on my twentyfirst birthday a girl I was studying with bought me a Pony Tail Palm Tree.

When I first got him, he was very small and only had three leaves poking from his root.
I neglected him.
I kept him in my bedroom, away from sunlight and rarely watered him. He began to shrivel, and two years later he was merely a tiny squishy root barely emerged from the dirt.

During my bedridden state of illness, I noticed the lack-of plant on my desk, and asked my Dad if he would help me move the…

View original 223 more words

Future Me Is an Idiot, and I’m an Asshole

5 Jun Featured Image -- 1572

livingdilbert:

This chick has skillz….a true gift of words with animation. The part about Future Me running a marathon is SO Living Dilbert, of course my aspirations are more like, “I really need to clean off my dresser.” Anyway, please enjoy. She doesn’t cuss as much and you probably needed a break!

Love, LD

Originally posted on Problems With Infinity:

Let me introduce you to someone.  She’s someone I try to keep hidden from others for as long as possible, but the longer you keep reading my blog, the more likely it is you’ll start to suspect she exists. So I decided to go ahead and get the awkwardness of not being introduced to someone who is clearly there out of the way.

This strange delusional creature who stands before you… this…this is Future Me.IMG_0058

Future Me is a character ever present in my life. She is my hope, my dreams, my naive eager zealousy and blind optimism that gets me into terrible situations.  She is the good side to my evil.  She is my nemesis, and I her ever present villain, laying waste to all her poorly thought out intentions. She is an idiot.

fin1

Future me is forever looking at the positive side of life, and forever attempting to solve…

View original 442 more words

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun The Real LD

The Real LD

The new me.¬† Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.¬† I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).¬† I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.¬† I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.¬† However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.¬† Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.¬† The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.¬† It won’t last.¬† These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.¬† They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.¬† Rinse and repeat.¬†¬† Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask. ¬†This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion¬†feedback. ¬†I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose? ¬†I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.” ¬†I was painfully and professionally honest. ¬†I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment. ¬†It’s called a fucking conscience, people. ¬†Heard of it? ¬†Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core.¬†One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass. ¬†Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting¬†on their asses. ¬†We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass. ¬†That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope. ¬†Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight? ¬†Being sued? ¬†Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there! ¬† WTF??? Have some BALLS, people. ¬†It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity! ¬†I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3¬†spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak. ¬†The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas? ¬†I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now)¬†and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding. ¬†If only someone called them on their shit. ¬†Will it ever happen? ¬†How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis? ¬†Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist¬†with my therapy¬†– junk mail catalogs. ¬†Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about¬†to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc. ¬†Any good ideas from my brilliant friends¬†out there? ¬†I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling. ¬†Twatwaffle used to be very¬†hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald. ¬†Discuss.

Living Dilbert Pontificates Whilst on (Legit) Narcotics

29 May

mindFine, 4 months out of my 2nd neck surgery, which hurt like a B-I-T-C-H for several weeks and now mystery symptoms combined with my fucking neck about to fall off, I’m still on my pain meds with the full blessing of my surgeon. Sometimes I just think stuff and it sticks (which is quite rare on meds). Here goes – no offense meant (usually):

* Why is it that when you mention the word “long term disability” or LTD to people, especially doctors, their face quickly looks as if it has smelled a putrid fart done by me. I’m asking valid questions and I’m a potentially valid case with 17 fused discs. I didn’t break my Goddamn toe – have some compassion. It’s not like I chose this.

* After having 13 discs fused in my back, I’ve had to learn a new way to wipe my ass and I don’t appreciate it one bit.

* I have a lot of time to think up ways to mentally torture people who have mentally tortured me at work. I have your names and I have plans, people. I get giddy when I think about it. Yes, this is a teaser. Let’s just say that at my last job, there was a woman thing that tried as I might to be patient and compassionate, she was still the complete “c” word. Through and through. She was the bane of my existence and I need to be hypnotized in an effort to erase her from my mind. I’m still working on just the right name for her. “Perpetual Gaping Pain in My Ass” – “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde from the Depths of Hell” – “Fuckface” – I just can’t decide. Open to all suggestions.

* I continue to like animals far more than most humans. I talk to my cats and they like it. I like it. Solved.

* People say I’m more “chatty” when on said pain drugs. Really, people? I was isolated and not allowed to drive for 5 solid months. I’ve hardly seen a GD soul. I’m happy to speak to humans. Let’s see you try it you bunch of judges. See point listed above. Suck my ass.

* I love cussing more than ever. It makes me laugh. It is an art form when used properly.

* I love Jane Fonda. Do NOT use the words “Hanoi Jane” in my presence or something very bad will mostly likely happen to your face. I’m sorry she did hurt people with her actions during the Vietnam War, but it was 40 years ago. She was a kid. Her good since that time has far outweighed the bad. Find something else to hate that is viable and DO something about it. Let this one go.

* Shockingly, I really do like to practice random acts of kindness whether towards humans (usually strangers), towards animals (even ants) or towards Mother Earth. No, I do not wear Birkenstock’s. Don’t go there.

* I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m dejected. I’m lonely sometimes, but yet like being alone. I’m hopeful. I’m furiously trying to control a situation in which I have NO control. I’m human. Who knew?

Go fucking hug someone you love or something. You know, for the good of the world.

Love,

LD

Living Dilbert Returns to the Fold

22 May

Hello – its been a while. ¬†Isn’t that a line from a song? ¬†Who can guess it?

If you were to read my last two posts and know Living Dilbert, you know why I’ve been so absent. ¬†I tragically lost Best friend three years ago this week to suicide. ¬†You know those battering rams the police use to bust open a door to a drug house or any other thing they feel like? ¬† Best Friend’s very unexpected suicide felt like I took one of those battering rams to the gut and the heart all at the same time. ¬†It knocked me on my ass for a long time. ¬†Plus, the guilt after a suicide can really get to you – “Could I have stopped it?” ¬†“What did I miss?” ¬†“Did I fail her?!” ¬† She actually knew me SO well that she left a note asking me to please not blame myself and there was nothing anyone could have done ¬†She had a terrible childhood in every way…and i mean horrific, yet she overcame it and became an amazing human being that helped the world and helped ME become the person I am today. ¬† Yet, her demons got her. ¬†I am now able to say I am at least thankful she is no longer suffering. ¬†She hid it well. ¬†I loved her beyond belief and my life is forever altered without her, plus she was Living Dilbert’s biggest fan. ¬† My Kick-Ass Coworker (new character! – please see Cast of Characters) told me what a better way to honor Best Friend this week, then to restart the blog. It would have made her happy and with Kick-Ass Coworker’s kind words, it was the final spark I needed to get restarted. ¬†Ok, enough seriousness for now.

I’ve had a very good job the last nearly 5 years and I was happy for most of it and its hard to find snarky material when everyone is so damn nice.. Well, like most things…give it long enough and it’ll come to you. ¬†If I can be snarky and funny and make YOU laugh, then its a fricking win-win! ¬†I’ll fill you in on the gaps from the past 4 years, but we have all the ime in the world for that and I certainly don’t want you dozing off in my first post in ages.

How about “10 Jabs I Wish I Could Make in a Resignation Letter to a Bad Boss”

1)  Consider acknowledging your assistant at least once a day, week, month with a glance, a response, a grunt, a pulse, SOMETHING.

2)  Say thank you at least once a year.

3)  The only times you do actually speak, try not to be so dickish in your comments.

4) ¬†When I stupidly still get you a holiday present every year and especially when I arranged one even out while I had another spinal surgery..fucking acknowledge you GOT it, asswipe. I was still dumb enough (it had to be the feel good drugs) to humiliate myself further by following up to be sure you got it in and email you in which I got no response (plus, I tracked it)….say “thank you”. ¬† Once, shame on you, twice shame on me!

5) ¬†Don’t ask (force) me to volunteer at your gun club/safari club event, where you talk about killing animals alll over the world and it’s sickening and then you didn’t even pay me like you promised!!!

6) ¬†Just because you are a judgmental workaholic,doesn’t mean I am. ¬†I don’t want to be there 12 hours and when I’m not, you treat me like shit, give me the silent treatment and if I am there, you wouldn’t have asked me to do anything anyway except for sit there!

7) Don’t make me sit at my desk “in case” you get a call for 9 hours straight and threaten me that I better not miss it and than act put out when I finally ask to take a piss!!!

8) If I’m in the hospital 3 times with life-threatening spinal surgery…send me flowers, a note, an email, anything!!! ¬†I’ve been your servant for 5 years!!!! ¬† Didn’t your mama teach you better?

9) ¬†When I get back to work after months of doing little stuff like learning to walk again and shower and dress myself and I’m a pale, weak former version of my kick-ass self at first….uh, don’t ignore me for a month with your passive aggressive bullshit! ¬† Maybe next year, I’ll just send you a pacifier and set of diapers, you big ass baby.

10) ¬†Finally, when my best friend of 20 years (who helped with your stupid gun event, of which you never paid her either), later commits suicide, DO NOT have the very poor taste of calling me at home¬†to say, “I’m so terribly sorry, etc.” No…you say, “What the hell happened? ¬†She was so pretty. ¬†Why’d she do it?” ¬†the first day after and I’m nothing but a puddle of grief. ¬†Here’s a tip, dear readers…NEVER, EVER ask someone WHY someone committed suicide. ¬†It’s offensive. ¬† If¬†we want to tell you our theories later, we will. ¬†Plus, DO not tell me it’s selfish because I will go off on your ass until you literally have nothing left but a butt hole.

what-should-they-have-taught-us-in-school-1502531374-sep-28-2012-1-600x400

Old school male lawyers are usually assholes. Plain and simple. ¬†They don’t think of anyone or anything but themselves. NOT all of the, but I’d say about 95%. ¬† They are giant babies that you secretly know make millions. It’s a tough balance to handle sometimes. ¬† It’s surprising I never punched him in the face. ¬† I certainly pictured it in my mind several times. ¬† ¬†I highly recommend it as a coping mechanism.

Not my best work, but give me time…I’m a bit rusty. ¬† I truly have missed you all and I’ve been drafting a LOT of posts that we’ll have fun with..in the meantime, I thought you deserve a little update above.

Talk to you soon! ¬† ¬†I am NO longer at a law firm, but have hundreds of stories, observations and other things to humourously bitch about. ¬† Was considering changing the name of the blog (if I can figure out how..) to “Living Dilbert (Redefined). ¬†What do you think? ¬† I have a LOT to say.

Later – LD

Do NOT Tell Me to Do a Yeast Cleanse

9 May

Angry and Itchy!

Angry and Itchy!

I have hives. I think about people that piss me off…I get hives. I stumble in the mornings….I get hives. I diet…I get hives. People talk to me…I get hives. I think about having to talk to other people…I get hives. Do NOT tell me I need to do a GD cleanse. I’m not allergic to anything…except, maybe anger. I’m just plain angry…and that beats sadness most days.

I am a lucky girl in many aspects. I have a loving home with an incredible partner, I have a great job (now), I have a car, I have food, I can walk….yet I’m angry and when I’m not angry, I’m dead inside. It is starting to get old. I miss being carefree and silly. I’m sure Main Squeeze misses it too! Don’t think I’m not trying, but it’s gonna take time apparently. It was the same when my sweet Mom died a few years ago. Really bad stuff happens and you get BOILING, FIRE-SPITTING ANGRY because that helps a little and simply because you are so damn foot-stomping mad that you have no say in the matter. It just is.

Ok, I find myself getting pretty deep here. Maybe if I approach the problem at hand by challenging myself – things will get better. Today I challenge myself not to tell anyone to go fuck themselves or to NOT punch anyone in the face. Think that is doable? I sure hope so, because with my fused back, I don’t think jail would be good for me.

Just wanted to stop in and say that this is where I am – I hope I can still provide some smiles. Today, I came across a blog that made me FEEL something, so for all of you out there having any kind of emotional struggle – this is for you. Please read and look at the pictures – it’s purely genius. I’ll be here looking for my little bit of corn.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Coming Soon: Ten Reasons Living Dilbert Would Not Fair Well in Prison

220 Days

28 Dec

It has been 220 days. Hard to believe.

Let’s pick up where I left off before my life changed horribly. I had lost my weight and was getting ready to have a huge spinal scoliosis surgery. Where’d I go before that? What happened?!

One of a kind.

One of a kind.

220 days ago on May 23, 2012, I got a call that nearly killed me and my soul. Remember Best Friend? The Best Friend that I wrote about early on who shaped who I am today and that I loved unconditionally every day for 20 years? Who I talked to every day for 20 years? Who, together, we handled relationships, marriages, disasters, loves, life, some Bad Damn Bosses and a million billion memories in between? Best Friend committed suicide on May 23, 2012.

It was 5 weeks before my surgery. I can’t even begin to describe my shock and despair. I’m amazed I’m still here and breathing. I will write more about this later, but know I have survived the worst thing I ever could have imagined and I’ve had some damn doozies in this life. I lost my Best Friend. A lot had to be done to pick up the pieces of her life – her dogs, her home, all our memories. It was a task I would not wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). But, I wake up every day and I’m still here. Does that make sense?

Living Dilbert is still here. She nearly died from this loss, but damn if she is not still here.

Lisbeth, this one is for you. I hope you are in a better place, free of anguish. Know that I love you, I miss you and I hope to see you again one day. You were an amazing, kind, giving human being that I wish loved herself as much as those of us around you. The world is not quite as bright now, but I will find a way.

I am going to celebrate the incredible person you were…and therefore, who I am.

Someone has to carry on your priceless sarcasm, right?

Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi¬†– I’m still here…working away.¬† Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.¬† ¬†Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.¬† It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!¬† I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!¬†¬† Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!¬†¬† Yay!¬†¬† It hasn’t been easy..work has¬†been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved¬†asses in this world.¬†¬† How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?¬†¬†

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)¬† Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.¬† No one will have the heart to scold me.¬† Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.¬† I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.¬†¬†

I miss you.

2)¬† I’m thin.¬† To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.¬† I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode РI snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends Рhooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

¬†5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.¬† Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.¬† I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I¬†do not¬†know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.¬† Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping.¬†

¬†Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.¬†¬† Peace out.

Link

The Whatever Factor

27 Feb

The Whatever Factor

Hi!¬† Are you having a good week so far?¬† I simply must share something that will help – I mean it – will HELP your Monday!¬† I’m not a giant reblogger and it is nothing personal to anyone, but damn, I could not pass this up.¬† Izzy is an old blogging friend and she is on a hell of a roll.¬† Wanted to share.¬† She has total Living Dilbert sass or I have The Whatever Factor sass, not sure.. .but, please read and enjoy!¬† I’m still chuckling and LD needed a chuckle today!

.

Diets Sadden Me

14 Feb

Back update and I know health stuff can be tiring, but you have my word that I’ll keep it funny (I hope you think so!)¬† ¬†– Found the perfect surgeon – a woman, and she’s amazing.¬† I was in awe my last appointment as she used all the words regarding adult idiopathic scoliosis that I know so well.¬† I have found the ONE.¬†¬† However, it isn’t all romance and kisses.¬† She looked at me and matter of factly stated – “Blah, blah, blah, probable surgery, 46 degrees…blah, and then looked me right in the eye and told me that I must lose 15 lbs.¬† Pardon?¬† I even looked behind me…but, she was talking to me.¬† “It will be good for your back and even better if we go forward with surgery…”¬†¬† I heard many things my last appointment, but this one is sticking out like a fricking neon sign in the desert.¬†¬† Doesn’t she realize that when my back feels like I’ve been shot by a 12-guage that I need a chili dog with cheese?¬†¬† I need those¬†crispy perfect little tater tots?¬† I¬†hung my head.¬†

Life can be tough, but I have to suck it up.¬† It is ironic that the ONE thing (besides Main Squeeze) that brings me so much joy is being removed from the picture for quite some time.¬† You don’t understand, I love to eat badly.¬† I eat like a guy to the delight of most of my friends.¬†¬† I try to like healthy stuff, but after 46 years…that probably ain’t gonna change.¬† Sigh.¬†

This weekend I attended a 3 year old’s birthday party.¬† It was so precious, but all I could think was “For the love of God, can’t some kid bring in a Happy Meal?”¬† I envisioned knocking them aside and stealing all the contents.¬† Hey, I’d give them the toy.¬†¬† I push the ugliness aside and smile sweetly as I have yet another slice of cucumber and want to puke in my mouth.

Being a responsible grown up is hard sometimes, isn’t it?¬†¬† I want to stamp my feet and cry til I get a tater tot!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 611 other followers