Get Out of My Bathroom!

26 Mar

Bathroom interlopers – we’ve all seen them…hell, we’ve all probably been them at one point or another in our professional careers.  (Side note: For the lack of a better term in my mind at the moment that is not merely saying “shit”…I’m going to use the word “poo” here several times. )   I’m talking about people that sneak onto my floor in my office building and go poo in my restroom!!   HELLO!   Our firm is the sole resident on a floor in an office building in a series of buildings – there are 5 women here.   I know who is supposed to be in the ladies room and who does not belong.  Frankly, I went years without pooing at my work place because I was too horrified to do so, but now…sometimes..well, I can only take so much of such pressure.  I’ve got other things to deal with and people in my face all day long, I just want 2 minutes of solitude.  I’m not going to clench and run from floor to floor.  If I’m crowning…well, I’ve got very limited time!  I’ve paid my dues!  Let me poo in peace if , God forbid, I have to go at work!   The last thing I need is coming face to face with some strange woman and the look of shame that is exchanged between us.   However, this is MY poo floor!  Not yours!   We pay our lease…go crap on your own fricking floor!

Also, to you bathroom cell phone users out there – don’t come in my bathroom and use your damn cell phone.  There is a little couch in our bathroom…and I mean little.  It is not like the sitting rooms you see in a Macy’s restroom.   Sometimes there are women in there when I race in and they are happily talking away on their cell phones – jesus, people.   What the hell?   This building has a huge lobby, a beautiful outside area – get your ass out there on the phone!  If I have to poo, I grumble obscenities and turn around and leave…I’m sure they hear me.   I have been working on a series of signs I want to put up in there.  “If This Isn’t Your Floor, Get The Fu** Out!”  “Pooing for 24th Floor Residents Only” “Do Not Use Your GD Phone In Here or I’ll Take It, Wipe With It and Flush You Both”   – I’m dying to do it.

For those of you that can poo with your head held high, whenever, wherever and however – I salute you.   

Tomorrow – “Bad Male Office Habits”

[I will keep posting on weekends…I enjoy this so much and I sincerely appreciate that it is making some of you have a moment of laughter!  God knows, we need to laugh more!]

6 Responses to “Get Out of My Bathroom!”

  1. Office1 March 26, 2010 at 10:58 am #

    OMG…tears in my eyes. I proudly say that I never resort to hegemonic pooing on other people’s floors.

  2. Cori March 26, 2010 at 2:59 pm #

    By the time I got to “this is MY poo floor! Not yours!” I was laughing so loud a coworker came in to see what was so funny. I like crowning, but in my family we call it turtling. You know, the little turtle peeks his head out of the shell…

    I can not believe the people that come to your floor to use the bathroom- I only wish you know what floor they come from so you could send them a little note.

    Maybe it is time to secure your floor’s bathroooms with a keypad. Do you think that Bad Boss would consider this a worthwhile expense? 🙂

    Also- amen sister on the cell phone thing. I think it is crazy to hang out in a bathroom for any reason other than the business that brought you there. People are nuts but thanks to you they make me laugh!!

  3. Alice March 27, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    This drives me crazy! Why do people answer calls on their cell phone in the bathroom? The other person can TELL you are in a bathroom. It’s called acoustics, people. Don’t answer the phone on my call if you’re in the bathroom.

    Also, if I go into a stall to pee, don’t talk to me. I get performance anxiety and it’s awkward all around.

    Another thing about the bathroom interlopers – I always seem to be the one to go in right after them. Then, the person that comes in behind me thinks it was me that laid a stink bomb. I feel like calling out – “It wasn’t me!”

    And the biggest bathroom faux pas – NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS. We can tell who you are and we share information! I will not be going to lunch with you or to the company birthday cake celebrations. For the love of God, who raised you? Ew!

  4. Alice March 27, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    Oh – and, you should put out of order signs on all the stalls and only tell the girls in your office that they are not for real. 🙂

  5. shutterboo April 14, 2010 at 3:19 pm #

    Ah! I just commented about this on another poo post! We also have cell phone users… I just flush more to blow their cover.
    My new poo peeve is smells. I’m not talking the smell of poo. I’m talking about country apple spritzer that you use to mask the smell of poo. It is so foul to smell rotten apples when all I need a quick pit stop… and someone’s in my stall. Ugh. I just need to write a post myself about bathroom manners.

  6. harlsmits August 20, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

    I just started reading your blog and I love this post! For the longest time I never pooed at work. I only do it when I really have to, and only if there’s nobody else in the bathroom. If someone comes in and I’m not done I just try to pinch it off and leave quickly. Occasionally I will use the bathroom on the other side of our building because there are less women on that side so I have a better chance of privacy (it’s only one floor, I don’t consider it “interloping”).
    In regards to the comment about using scents to mask the poo smell, there is this great product sold in Asian markets. It’s a tiny squeeze bottle of liquid and you put one or two drops in the toilet before going, and it gives off a clean, neutral scent. And it seems like the more you need it the harder it works!

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