My Miserable Life as a Call-Screener

16 Apr

How many of you have to screen calls for a Bad Boss?  Folks, I know there are good reasons at times for call-screening, but not for HIM.  Typical Bad Boss behavior scenario that I endure at least 20 times a day (warning, the remainder of this post contains serious cuss words because this subject makes me hysterical) goes something like this:

– His phone rings…he’s doing nothing, of course, and he shouts from his office, “Living Dilbert, can you get that?”   “Yee-eesss”, I say, while envisioning many forms of torture involving him, a cactus and a billboard.

– I answer the phone and ask nicely who is calling.  I figure it is never the person’s fault they are calling and I should be nice so I usually make up a lie.  “I’m sorry, Bad Boss is caught on a conference call…can I slip a note in front of him and let him know who is calling?”   I finally understand why most legal secretaries sound so damn angry when they answer the phone.

– As requested, I shout to Bad Boss who is calling and he hesitates for what seems like a GD eternity and he usually says “Oh, I can’t take that…can you tell him I ‘ll call him back in 40 minutes?” or some maddening answer like “I’m TOO BUSY, take a message.”   Ok, you gaping asshole.

– I take the message or I put the person in Bad Boss’ voice mail and EVERY SINGLE TIME, Bad Boss either shouts “What’d he want?”  (how the fuck should I know??) or he dials and then listens to his voice mail the second it goes through.  Keep in mind, this shouting maniac is the same man that nearly craps in his pants when I make a single noise at my desk (like my ice clinking in my glass).

Bad Bosses, just take the GD call sometimes or at the very least do not scream out of your office for us to get the phone. We know what we are doing.  I’ve been answering your phone for 7 fucking years.  What do you think I’m going to do with the call?   Of COURSE, I’m going to answer it!!!   We have effing Caller ID here and you often know WHO it is!  Why waste three people’s time (mine, yours and the poor hapless caller) and fricking TAKE THE CALL?

Once, I had a Bad Boss who would ask me every fricking time (loudly, while I was on the phone with caller) who it was.   We, too, had Caller ID.   Let’s see….his father called him several times every single day.   I dreamed of shouting “It’s your effing FATHER, who else ever calls you, you giant douchebag?”….but, I didn’t.   Man, I wanted to!

THIS is why I cancelled my home phone at my house.  I don’t want to talk on the phone…I don’t even want to hear it ring.

Tomorrow – “I Know You’ve Got a Lot on Your Plate, But….”

4 Responses to “My Miserable Life as a Call-Screener”

  1. Alice April 16, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    My favorite was when I fielded a call for a former boss and took him in the message (he was on a conference call). He saw who called and freaked out, screaming, “So-and-So called and you didn’t interrupt me? He’s in the hospital! I was waiting for his call!” Okay, first I’ve heard of it. Then, he proceeded to tell me that I needed to call all the area hospitals to find So-and-So because he “needed” to talk to him. ??? Are you Fing serious ??? I found him at the third hospital I called and had to say, “Hello So-and-So, can you please hold for Mr. Douchebag?” *even though you are laying in a hospital bed somewhere and I have no earthly idea why you would urgently need to speak with an M&A attorney*

  2. digicollage April 16, 2010 at 11:23 am #

    Oh goodness, I love your blog! LOL LOL

  3. Jeena April 16, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Er, is it not polite of me to ask why you don’t quit? Do you have to work with corporate lawyers? Won’t other profiles suit you? Honestly! 7 Years?!

  4. Cori April 19, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    This is priceless!!!

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