H1N1 and How I Tried to Catch It

22 Apr

I know this sounds awful and I mean no disrespect to folks that have honestly been affected by H1N1, but I did try to get it.   When the hysteria was at it’s peak, I saw people in my building wearing those masks to help keep out germs.   Not me – I’d so much as hear someone cough and I’d try to stand by them.   If any of my friends coughed, I’d tell them to please go to lunch with me so we could drink out of the same glass.  If they had a sore throat , I’d insist on hugging them and giving them a tiny kiss on the lips.  I told one friend to cough into an envelope and mail it to me.   Hell, even Bad Boss got sick and came into the office.   I considered licking one of the binder clips he had touched.  Why?  Because being sick is a valid reason to be away from Bad Boss.  You know he doesn’t like to give me the day off, so I find myself trying to get sick in order to justify my absence.   Sadly, I never even got a cold last winter.  

Being sick IS a valid reason for missing work.  I envisioned myself lounging around my house or just sleeping for 3 days straight.  When having a horrid day at work, I sit at my desk and daydream about it.  Best Friend offered to rub a Q-Tip over her sweet dog’s rotten gums and hand-deliver it to me.  Not sure what I would have done with it, but maybe I could have put it in a cup of tea and let it steep and then drink it.  Sweet Doggie had chronic gingivitis.  He was constantly on antibiotics, but sadly rotten mouth was just in his genes. 

Fifteen years ago, while young and much more impressionable and while working for a failing business, Bad Bosses surprisingly wanted me to fly to DC for the day.  For the DAY, people.  I hate trips like that…flying out at 5:00 a.m. to race to a meeting and then fly home at some ungodly hour.   No thanks.  Had already done the same trip to NY a week before.  I knew it was a matter of time before they went under, but I wasn’t prepared to get fired just yet.   I had to concoct a plan.  Was in a relationship at the time with a Goody Two Shoes, so my “illness” had to be believable.  Can’t believe I’m admitting it here…but, if you ever need a truly believable illness…go to your local pharmacy and buy yourself some Ipecac.   Fine, I did it.   Holy crap!  Took a little dose at 3:00 a.m. before my trip and in a few minutes I looked like Regan from “The Exorcist.”    Trust me, no one will ever question you if you are projectile vomiting.  

Oh, the measures I have taken in life surprise even me at times.  

Tomorrow – My Life as a Gardener

11 Responses to “H1N1 and How I Tried to Catch It”

  1. Office1 April 22, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    OMG…syrup of ipecac…who knew it had a use for adults. You must want to get out of work BAD to take ipecac.

  2. Alice April 22, 2010 at 9:22 am #

    And THIS is where kids come in handy. Because, if you tell them your kid is sick – they aren’t going to argue with you. And then you don’t even have to feel like crap to get the day off. “24-hour stomach bugs” are my favorite! Just enough time to not piss them off, but still have a day at the zoo, library or just running errands! If you don’t have kids though, puking is the best excuse. They expect you to come in with a runny nose, cough, hell, even pneumonia, but no one expects you to come in if you’re puking. 🙂 Hmm… ipecac…

  3. The Orifice April 22, 2010 at 10:03 am #

    Bwahahaha. Another fine piece.

    Is this why I refuse to get a flu shot? Maybe.

  4. Cori April 22, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    I can not stop laughing!!! I considered licking one of the binder clips he had touched?!? Too funny. I always wondered how well ipecac worked- wow. I am glad you were smart enough to only take a little dose.

  5. alchiketi April 22, 2010 at 11:06 am #

    my favorite! You are redunka-dunk! (that’s rediculously awesome)

  6. shutterboo April 22, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    I’ve laughed all five times I’ve read this. And I hate that I am laughing at it. The binder clip comment though – tears. 🙂 You have a way with words.

  7. Belle April 22, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    Damn. Just damn. 😉 (in a good way)

  8. Belle April 22, 2010 at 11:29 am #

    In a pinch, slowly chew an aspirin. That’ll definitely do things to your tummy, but nothing serious that a coke won’t fix.

  9. MB April 22, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    No, no, no …. you have it all wrong. You are NEVER supposed to use sick days when you’re actually sick. You have to call in and tell them you are projectile vomiting, you don’t actually have to do it. I suggest calling in with a bad fever, spring fever, family emergency, no water, whatever, and then spend the day trying not to think of all the work Bad Boss is piling up for you. Don’t ever waste sick days being sick, silly girl.

  10. katie o. April 23, 2010 at 11:30 am #

    i actually did have a little swine flu action and it sucked. seriously, it was awful. the worst part was that my skin actually ached. yes, my skin! BUT…i lost 5lbs and missed a full week’s worth of work. translation = vacation in bed.

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