Not Sure Who You Think I Am, But…

13 May

Excuse me, Bad Bosses…uh, I’m not sure who you think I am, but I sure as hell can tell you who I am NOT.

I am not:

– your fricking personal mail carrier. No matter how many times I tell you…our mail goes through the USPS at a certain time each day.  I can’t change the time, I am not the Postmaster General.    No, I still don’t have the ability to handle certified mail in our office since we don’t even have a POSTAGE METER!!!   Yes, I have to take it to the actual post office like I’ve told you nine gajillion times.

– your maid. Yesterday, you left your dishes in the sink.   They are still there.  I have taken a silent vow to never wash them even if they grow hoards and hoards of penicillin on them.  I will consider it free antibiotics.

– your confidant regarding personal matters. I don’t want to hear what you think your wife is doing behind your back.  Honestly, I’d probably take her side.

– your friend. I tried, but you blew it long ago.  You are a complete and total self-absorbed a-hole.  Nothing further.

– your diaper changer.  I personally chose to not have human children a while ago.  Not meant for me this time around.  The last thing I want is to come to work and be your damn mother each day.   When you poo yourself during one of your yawningly predictable tantrums, not my problem.  Hire a nanny like you have at home.

-your idiot. As much as you seem to enjoy being condescending towards me because you allegedly graduated at the top of your class in some ivy league school (and you most likely have a small winky), does not qualify me as an idiot.   I proudly put myself through college and graduated while holding down two full-time jobs.  It seems I’m the one that can figure out how to refill the electric stapler, fix your computer, fix your printer, constantly help your paralegal and I can honestly run circles around all of you.   I’d rather have common sense than a ivy league degree.  Such a shame you don’t have both.

It would be in your best interest to print out the items above and put them at your desk so that you can refer to it several times a day.  I’m not changing.

Tomorrow – When a Raise is Not a Raise…

26 Responses to “Not Sure Who You Think I Am, But…”

  1. Pat Thomas May 13, 2010 at 9:01 am #

    You are KILLING me, thank you so much for this daily entertainment. I love it, seriously. I hope you are able to find a job and a boss who appreciates the wonderful human being you are very soon! Love you!!!

    • livingdilbert May 13, 2010 at 10:30 am #

      Thank you! I am so glad I can amuse others…that’s the plan!

  2. Amy May 13, 2010 at 9:22 am #

    That’s one thing about having a female boss, she will rarely, if ever, ask anyone to any type of personal, non-office related things (like get her lunch or coffee, clean up after her, etc) because she is used to doing those things for herself. Cause she’s a woman! I think the more powerful a man becomes (or THINKS he becomes) the more of a baby he turns into.

  3. perpetuallypeeved May 13, 2010 at 9:36 am #

    I was going to add a snappy comment, but you used the word “confidant” and now I can’t have a coherent thought because the Golden Girls theme song keeps running through my head.

  4. alchiketi May 13, 2010 at 10:44 am #

    @ LD – you’re my hero. love the pic. i enjoyed imagining the dumb-struck look on any/all bad bosses faces if you were to say these things to them!! ohhh goose bumps!!

    @amy – uh…hh..i’ve worked only for female bosses and if they can take care of their physical needs, they are emotionally needy, have absolute no boundaries and won’t let you make them look good because they think you’re competing with them. i had budding dreams of maybe finding a man boss who i didn’t have be a therapist for but living dilbert has effectively worken me up.

  5. Cori May 13, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    “and you most likely have a small winky” Nuff’ said. 😉

  6. Pop May 13, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Had you gotten an Ivy League degree, you would’ve learned this:
    How loud and condescending a man is is inversely proportional to the size of his winky

    Hilarious entry and blog!

    • livingdilbert May 13, 2010 at 11:18 am #

      I’m flattered, Pop! I know my blog is a bit racy at times…but the overall goal is to make folks laugh. We have to laugh….

      Oh, sent my brother your blog so he can subscribe. He is going to LOVE it!

  7. katie o. May 13, 2010 at 1:53 pm #

    oh. my. god. ld, you are hilarious!
    i am so glad i don’t have your bad boss. i would go all “9-5” on his a$$…by accident of course. 😉

  8. Jay-Jay May 13, 2010 at 3:00 pm #

    Classy. classy blog.

    Thanks for popping over to mine and dropping a comment in the box – I’m glad you did because it’s opened me up to your stuff.

    Gracias, and consider me a new fan

  9. The Idiot Speaketh May 13, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    As a self-professed Idiot, I like to think of myself and the other so-called Idiots out in the world as the “Normal” ones, while the stuffed shirts are the slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging freaks of nature!

  10. breaaire May 13, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    I have a sign for you… it reads

    “I am NOT your Mama… and she wouldn’t put up with this shite either.”

    Another one that may help future dilbert generations, but unfortunately, won’t help now is…

    “Please get out of the gene pool… you’re clogging the filter.”

    As always… Much enjoyment had by all, thanks!

  11. izziedarling May 13, 2010 at 4:17 pm #

    Hey, LD – very entertaining post today, you clever girl, you! Totally believe the small feet deal … hahaha.

  12. Jeff308M1 May 13, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

    WHEN you get a new job, I have a few suggestions for computer leave behinds for both Bad Boss and Useless Coworker:
    – set file printing as their default printer
    – set their screen saver to minimum time and password protect it
    – drop all of their desktop shortcuts into the recycle bin
    – reset their date and time

    All in the spirit of making them more self reliant in your absence, of course.

    • livingdilbert May 13, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

      THESE ARE MOST EXCELLENT!! I’m quite impressed. I may not be able to wait until a new job.

  13. shoutabyss May 13, 2010 at 5:37 pm #

    Once again, reading your blog is like looking in a mirror. (Oops. I just insulted you. Sorry!) But there are some similarities. Like in the last couple of weeks we’ve both made a comment about bosses and me. Me likely the coincidence. This must be a bigger problem than anyone could ever have guessed.

    The inability to handle mundane tasks is a mechanism for shifting workload to others. It is a not-so-subtle statement about who is important (in their eyes) and who is not.

    • shoutabyss May 13, 2010 at 5:39 pm #

      Curse you WP no comment edit! Bad, bad typo. That was supposed to say “we’ve both made a comment about bosses and poop.” Pretty much the same meaning as what I wrote, I admit. Just didn’t want anyone confused. 🙂 Oh well, all I can do is live with looking like a dumb ass for all eternity and moving on…

    • livingdilbert May 13, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

      Compare me to you in the mirror any day! I’m quite happy to be in your league at all. You are damn funny!

  14. bookjunkie May 14, 2010 at 12:02 am #

    how do theses people get away with it? I’ve had bully bosses and in another place a cowoker/ dotted line boss, treat me like their slave/idiot too. And if you complain…you’re the troublemaker.

    Love, love, love your posts…they totally speak to me!!!

  15. bookjunkie May 14, 2010 at 12:06 am #

    one of my friends just called me up to vent over being his bosses personal mail carrier besides treated like a 5 year old by his idiot of a boss! he’s on the verge of quitting. he would love your blog!

    • livingdilbert May 14, 2010 at 11:05 am #

      Please send him the blog. I swear we all have to bind together on these bad ass bosses – for your mental stability! Humor is a great release! Tell your friend I had to go to the damn post office this morning to mail a personal package for bad boss – shoes. Uck. I had to pay for it too….and “he’ll pay me back.” OH, he’s got that right…in more ways than he knows.

  16. slightlyignorant May 14, 2010 at 4:39 am #

    Have I mentioned how much I love your blog?! Seriously, your method of releasing frustration on the asshole boss is seriously a good thing for the rest of us as well.

    I sure hope the boss doesn’t really, actually LITERALLY poop his pants and expect you to take care of him then… That would be a cause to quit. Or maybe even enough material for a lawsuit.

    • livingdilbert May 14, 2010 at 11:02 am #

      Thank you so much! Bad Boss just figuratively poops his pants…at least weekly. He also stamps his feet like a little baby, which gave me the idea. Did you read the one about “My Life as a Daycare Worker?” Sadly, it is so true!!! I hope I can keep making you laugh and I’m so GLAD you are reading!! Bad Boss really is a dick…so he gives me a lot of material…as do the rest of the nimrods.

  17. Zyhr - Three Dimensional Schizo May 14, 2010 at 6:44 am #

    Impressive.

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