My Useless Coworkers Have a Roach Fetish

25 May

Try as I might (oh..and I do), my coworkers seem to want our office to be infested by roaches.   It’s gross!   Gosh, what are some sure-fire ways to get roaches in your offices too?

1- Leave a half-full soda can on your desk for several days.   Bonus points if it is an extra-sugary soda.

2- Leave dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter even if there are only about effing 3 of us who even use dishes.  I KNOW who the eff you are!

3- Drop crumbs and nasty-ass stuff all over your desk and floor and leave it there.

4- Be a food hoarder.

5- Be a dumb-ass.

Any single item or combination of the above could result in some serious infestation.   Apparently, our former next door neighbors on this floor were brazen slobs and the roaches are starving to death.   A couple of folks have had to do battle in their offices with roaches the size of chipmunks.  Thankfully, this has not happened to me.  One good thing about sitting so out in the open…the roaches avoid my space.   Also, I’m not a fricking slob and I clean my desk and don’t leave anything behind.

One good thing about the roaches?   The other day, one nearly did Useless Coworker in…you’d think I’d hired the little bugger.   Useless came by my desk looking paler than usual and she told me she’d just used the ladies room and she’d had a dreadful experience.   She recounted with horror how she sat down to potty and a live roach dropped into her lap (from the ceiling)!   Can you imagine?    I smiled for days just thinking about it!   It made me giggle uncontrollably!   Worried that my karma will eventually catch up with me , I always look up when I head to the ladies room now and I do a full reconnaissance mission before taking care of any needed business.

Man, wish I’d had a camera in there.  Wonder which creature was the most surprised?  I already know which one is smarter.

Tomorrow – Dear Clients….

20 Responses to “My Useless Coworkers Have a Roach Fetish”

  1. izziedarling May 25, 2010 at 8:28 am #

    Hahahaha. Hate, hate, hate roaches.

  2. Sank May 25, 2010 at 8:33 am #

    Funny.. I used to work in a 100 year old office building in Minneapolis, roaches were the least worry.. leave food in your drawer at night.. you’d have mammalian visitors. Once in while you’d see something scamper across the floor in your periphery.. not to mention the little turds…

    • livingdilbert May 25, 2010 at 10:26 am #

      Wow, Sank, that may be the most frightening thing I’ve heard. I will say though, that the word “turds” always makes me laugh out loud. I think I’d be extra jumpy if I worked in that building!

    • Pop May 25, 2010 at 10:40 am #

      We have furry little creatures too…or should I say we had. One of them decided to drop dead in one of my desk drawers. They also left little presents all over my files. If you’d like, I can mail some of them to your useless coworkers.

      • livingdilbert May 25, 2010 at 11:16 pm #

        Egads! I may have died on the spot if I found a dead creature with fur in my desk! However, good idea about the turds!

  3. bookjunkie May 25, 2010 at 8:39 am #

    i have a terrible phobia of those yucky things. your office sounds like hell!!! OMG…poor you 😦

    • livingdilbert May 25, 2010 at 11:18 pm #

      The only thing bad outside of my Cast of Characters is the roaches. I can handle the rest! I’m terribly afraid of roaches too…I cannot touch them at all – even if they are dead!

  4. Office1 May 25, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    OMG…roach in the lap…priceless. See LD, you don’t have to conspire against your co-workers and bad bosses…the universe will totally help you out!

  5. perpetuallypeeved May 25, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    YES!! I love it. Just thinking about roaches creeps me out. If one landed on me, I think I would quit. Hmm… Maybe you should plant some soda cans up in the ceiling tiles in the bathroom or over Useless’ desk!

  6. Amy May 25, 2010 at 9:30 am #

    I think I would still be laughing if one of my useless co-workers told me a roach fell on them while they were in the ladies! So gross, yet soooo funny!

  7. thoughtsappear May 25, 2010 at 9:34 am #

    Ewww…That’s so gross about the roach falling from the ceiling. Even though I don’t work where you do, I just caught myself eyeing the ceiling above my desk.

  8. Ody May 25, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    When I first started working here, my replacement was such a slob that we found a plate from the Christmas party (I started the end of June) buried amongst the papers. We also found empty soda cans, pizza boxes, A SUITCASE WITH DIRTY CLOTHES FROM A CONFERENCE, and gifts given one year prior. There was but a curvy path from door to the desk. We filled 2 rolling dumpsters with his stuff.

    The roaches were understandably unhappy when I cleaned up.

    • livingdilbert May 25, 2010 at 11:19 pm #

      Your replacement sounds beyond horrid. I would have had to seek a little revenge on that one….you win for the worst slob! I hope you are not finding surprises.

  9. collectivegood May 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    Now I am afraid to go to the bathroom!

  10. breaaire May 25, 2010 at 12:40 pm #

    *silent sobbing* all the little legs… all the little legs… scurrying, scurrying…

    Thanks! Now I’m gonna have the crawls all day! LOL ;D

  11. shoutabyss May 25, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

    Once again the similarities are uncanny! I’m beginning to think I might know you. 🙂

    Half-finished cans or bottles of soda (or even beer) are a huge pet peeve of mine. If you aren’t thirsty why did you open the bloody thing? Just another mindless habit of yours? Ah.

    Usually not enough is written about insects in the workplace. I knew you’d come through! Where I work we’re surrounded by fields and there apparently is a very high population of insects. They walk right in through the front door which has about a 1″ gap at the bottom. I’ve recommended a weather strip but it was acted on like all my workplace suggestions, i.e., ignored. We might as well lay out a welcome mat for the neighborhood bugs. I hear shrieks about spiders almost daily.

    My favorite anecdote, by far, however, involves a creepy little “ear wig” bug. I was on the phone with a customer and happened to look down and see an ear wig walking across the back of my hand. I wish I was making this up. Oh yes, good times! I was actually quite proud of the way I handled it. I didn’t even pause the line of bull crap I was feeding the customer. And I didn’t stop the conversation and say something interesting like, “Oh, look. An ear wig just walked across my hand.” Somehow I didn’t think that would help close the sale!

    For your particular situation I recommend an anti-insect moat around your desk. That’s a subtle way to express your displeasure with the situation, methinks.

    • livingdilbert May 25, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

      I adore you, Abyss…you are my mentor! The way you word yourself is always sure to get a huge smile from me. I’m thankful to have a male counterpart…with a great edge!

  12. breaaire May 25, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    Or maybe some mosquito netting… weighted down on the bottom, so the little creepies can’t get through… oh, and it keeps the bugs out too…

  13. cooper May 25, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    we have people that leave half wrapped chocolate in their desk drawers…needless to say we have a burgeoning (and now diabetic) mouse population

  14. slightlyignorant May 26, 2010 at 5:46 am #

    Yeeeeeecccchhhhh I HATE COCKROACHES. I wouldn’t survive in your office :P.

    Gosh, karma DOES seem to work sometimes, doesn’t it? Maybe Useless Coworker got an adrenaline rush from the fear and managed to be less useless for a few hours? Or is there no hope of that?

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