The Sweet Life of Useless Coworker

27 May

Ahhh….I’m continually amazed at how sweet her life seems to be.  She has no rules and regulations here at Passive-Aggressive & Angry.   Perhaps because she is older and prone to crying fits, Bad Bosses seem afraid to say anything to her because they can’t find their nads with a flashlight.

How is her work life far sweeter than mine?

1 – Last year I think she only worked about 10 months which was  WAY over the 3 weeks of time off they allegedly promised her, but I’ve never seen in writing.  Oh yes, that’s right…Bad Boss has never given her an offer letter even though she’s been here over 2 years.

2 – She gets sick when the wind changes direction and does not hesitate going home after coughing all over the office and making the hair on the back of my neck stand up with her constant hacking.

3 – In the past, she literally brought in an exercise ball and sat on it for weeks in place of her chair and no one said a word (except me…but, I’m figuratively voiceless).  Right now, under her cube in plain view…she has work out clothes, food, a blanket, a pillow, a yoga mat and a couple of pair of shoes.

4 – She has not learned anything, but cries when she is called on it and everyone backs down (except me…see #3).  I once started a list of reasons she is a loose cannon, but Bad Boss had serious shrinkage and said, “We can’t do that.  We can’t make a list of her inadequacies.”  Really, oh He of Small Nadville…why the hell not?

5 – She always asks Bad Boss #2 if she can go home and then will come by my desk and say, “So and So said I could go home.”   I would love to respond with my real thoughts one day….oh, the possibilities.  I’m trying not to cuss on WordPress.   Go, you worthless pile of POO!

She makes me nuts and I know I talk about her a lot.   She never replenishes anything she uses or empties anything she fills.  I want to knock her down.  Oh,…I can’t because my bosses are too afraid we’ll get sued.   I guess I’ll just wait for her to fall into my booby trap.   She’s certainly a boob.

Tomorrow – Unspoken Words?

11 Responses to “The Sweet Life of Useless Coworker”

  1. alchiketi May 27, 2010 at 8:13 am #

    i have one word for the useless coworker – Hoarder.

    I like this useless coworker of yours. she seems to have it down. I urge you to post more stories of her so that i may emumulate her. I’m not a Boss, so i can’t be bad. I’m more like you…well that’s gotten me somewhere eh? so useless coworker is it. arrived at the conclusion by POE. process of elimination. it works for GRE, why not in real life?

  2. Office1 May 27, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    Oh LD… I want to hear more about this booby trap.

    And how about “can’t find their nads with a flashlight and set of tweezers”

  3. breaaire May 27, 2010 at 9:31 am #

    I’m betting that Useless Coworker was a “Daddy’s Little Princess” all her life, too. All she has to do is quiver that bottom lip, and men seem to fall over to do her bidding, hoping to stave off the inevitable tears.

    Oh, the training that takes! She is good….

    My natural bent toward sarcasm precludes that route for me. Plus, I work in an office of all women, who know the routine (have probably used it at some time in their life), and will call anyone out on it!

    Sorry about the futility…having seen it myself, I can’t say it gets any better.

  4. Jeff308M1 May 27, 2010 at 9:44 am #

    Your useless coworker sounds like the best/worst example of an oxygen thief that I have ever heard of.

    Because she works so little and gets paid for her time off, she might actually make more per hour of time worked than BB #1.

  5. cooper May 27, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    the working world is filled with similar vermin. stepping on them only serves to ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes that never did anything to deserve such treatment.
    what drives this species to insane depths? being ignored….

  6. perpetuallypeeved May 27, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    “oh He of Small Nadville” Jesus, I have to stop reading your blog whilst drinking coffee. I think I just ruined my top.

  7. Amy May 27, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    We have an employee that we have to tip-toe around and can’t make too angry cause everyone fears her wrath. It’s such a pain having to alter MY way of working just to accomodate HER. However, I know for a fact that at home she is powerless because her husband is emotionally abusive. The only way I can deal with her at work is by knowing that I am happy when I go home and she isn’t.
    I’d be willing to bet that your Useless Co-worker has a similar situation. Be glad that you have joy in your life, cause she probably doesn’t.

  8. shoutabyss May 27, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    I adore the name of your firm. I think I’d fit in well there.

    Every office has someone like that. Someone who gets away with everything you can’t. Someone who is at the front of the team but isn’t part of the team. Someone who throws others under the bus. If that person ever moves on they usually get replaced by two more of the same.

    Shrinkage FTW!

  9. notesfromrumbleycottage May 27, 2010 at 12:29 pm #

    Love the picture of the guy with his head in the dirt and the legs straight up. Seems like a normal position for some people. Too bad you cannot poisen the biotch.

  10. bookjunkie May 27, 2010 at 1:56 pm #

    she must be related to bad boss in some way 😉

  11. Cori May 27, 2010 at 3:57 pm #

    After reading this excellent entry I read your info on Useless Coworker in your Cast of Characters- most excellent!

    Serious shrinkage?!? Can something that was never there shrink? 😉

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