Archive | June, 2010

Things Bad Bosses Don’t Give a Crap About…

30 Jun

Hope

Care & Compassion

Making money

Being kind

Donating…anything…ever

Charity work

The bottom line

My sanity

The planet

Getting their heads out of their asses

Healthcare

Farting aloud

Any other person

Any ideas they didn’t originate

Being polite

Social justice

Nancy Pelosi or any female politician for that matter

Profit/Loss theories

Having any sense whatsoever

Oh….this list could go on and on and on….I simply must do a Part 2 soon!

Tomorrow – More Observations on How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

Useless Coworker Strikes Again!!!

29 Jun

I know that a lot of my annoyance/anger/banging my head against a wall regarding Useless is possibly displaced aggression.   Should I find a way to combat this?   Sure…but, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun.

Things I’d love to shout at the top of my lungs about 1/2 an inch from Useless Coworker’s ear:

1 – Things do NOT empty themselves!!!!!!!!!!   EMPTY them!!!!!!!!  Need an example, terds for brains?   Pencil sharpener, all the hole punchers, the shredder that you put all your personal bills in each day, the the list goes on.

2 – QUIT trying to be in control of every conversation in the office.    No one cares.  Period.  No one cares to include anyone else around here and the sooner you realize it, the better off you will be.

3 – QUIT making your desk your personal closet and/or apartment.  I may have to take a picture and post it…but, it’d be risky.   I walked by your desk today and thought (with my Tourette’s), “It looks like a goddamn hurricane went through here.”  I’ve never seen so many shoes, blankets, personal pictures, books, post its, dirty dishes, etc. 

4 – STOP thinking Bad Boss #2 will appreciate you and tell you so.   Honey, the earth will spew Krispy Kreme chocolate-glazed doughnuts before that happens.  

5 – STOP asking me how I am.   I’m grumpy..that’s how I am.  I am here, I’m with you and Bad Bosses all day and I’m grumpy as hell.  As a result, I am short with you and then I feel guilty.  STOP adding to my guilt!

Poor Useless Coworker….thank God breathing is an automatic physical reflex or she’d forget to do it and smother.

Tomorrow – Things Bad Bosses Don’t Give a Crap About…

Reporting from the Front Lines….

28 Jun

I’ll be DAMNED..it is not as bad as I thought!   What a welcome surprise!   We are allegedly still open, no one died and I still do not feel like killing anyone today.   My biggest annoyance is probably Useless Coworker with whom I already have a love/hate relationship.  

Useless Coworker does not use her head – ever.   She casually tells me her access card hasn’t been working for a week, so she helped herself to the spare one in my desk and she let two of the high-speed printers run out of toner.   She couldn’t change the toner on anything if her life depended on it.  I’m already convinced she lives in a fantasy world where things just refill themselves.   I wonder how many times her car has run out of gas in her lifetime? 

So, Bad Boss is painfully quiet.   At least I have the fact that he was on vacation too going for me.   He’s grumpy that he had to return also.   He even communicated logically with me today.   Can I hope, even if just for a little while, that he realized my importance while he was on vacation?   Ok, you are right….

Tomorrow – Useless Coworker Strikes Again!

Not Giving In Just Yet…

27 Jun

Enjoying my last glass of fruity summer wine…even cherishing my 4 million mosquito bites.   LONG drive home yesterday and I’m so proud in that I didn’t get too depressed.   Got home late last night, ordered Chinese with Main Squeeze and slept hellishly late today.  

Sigh….it’s coming.  You know what.   Monday morning after vacation.   I was hoping one of my yellow fly bites (I saw it bite me) would turn into some kind of Yellow Fever or I’d develop blood poisoning, but this damn immune system of mine is not hearing of it.  

I’m tan and I haven’t worn makeup in seven whole days.   Hell, I didn’t even shower one or more of the days.  It was so eye-opening.  Cherish your vacation days.  Cherish THEM.  Thankfully, I did.  I was very present for every second.   So thankful I could go on vacation and spend it with Main Squeeze’s incredible family.   They were so good to me and they are an amazing family.  It makes a happy lump in Living Dilbert’s throat just to think about it.  As much as I hate Bad Bosses and they do unspeakable things to me often….I’m a very lucky woman.  

Good news…I’ll be back to my old self in a day or so!

Tomorrow – Reporting from the Front Lines (will do post when I arrive to work…should be quite frank….)

Holding Off the Inevitable

26 Jun

My mood is slowly starting to shift.   I push the thoughts out of my head the moment they appear.   Vacation is drawing to a close and I have to begin the trek back to reality today.  

I’m going to enjoy every last second and I’ve begun a mental list of things to look forward to upon return to the Big City.  I miss my kitties.  

Ending vacation is painfully similar to the oil crisis.  How?   It occurred to me that as we begin to wrap up our vacation…and it has been so beautiful here, that the men in the yellow vests are appearing on the beach today.  Coincidence?  Probably, but it is certainly ending the vacation on a painful note.   As we leave our paradise, the reality of this oil situation has permeated our fantasy world.   There is no holding off the oil any longer.  It is coming.  Nothing can stop it and it is painfully destructive.

We have been enjoying the water and the white sand and ignoring any thoughts of oil  or tar balls or Bad Bosses.  But out of the corner of our eyes, they sneak up on us and ruin everything!

I’ll try and pretend for a bit longer that the oil is far off shore and that the BP fools have come up with some answer to the awful mess they have created.  At the same time, I dream that I have an extra week of vacation and that I don’t have to be back at the office for another 7 days — plus July 4th!  Oh man — there is a small light at the end of the tunnel — a three day weekend is not far off in the distance.  Maybe BP will come up with a plan…not holding my breath, but holding out hope, at least.

When It Rains, We Pour

25 Jun

Solving problems while on vacation is so much easier than in real life.  Do you think it is because the pressure is so much less?  There are no career-ending decisions on vacation.  NO having to please an unreasonable boss.  It has been SO damn nice to deal with vacation dilemmas rather than Bad Boss problems….I almost feel like a different person.   I will say I had a nightmare about Bad Boss last night though so my subconscious must be trying to rid itself of that asswipe.

Problem-solving on vacation?

– While at the beach in any coastal town…there is usually a thunderstorm at least once a day.  Hell, just come inside and start the wine.  Hence, when it rains, we pour.

– Family having a squabble?   Go get yourself a cold beer from the fridge, a quiet corner and a good book.

– Sunburn and bug bites got you down?  Go shopping.  New underwear and sandals will make you feel lots better.   If the beach area has a good outlet mall….even better.   You can walk around for hours and forget all time and space.

– You know what else makes Living Dilbert feel better when it rains?  A giant 42″ flat screen television in the bedroom, a ceiling fan and our own bathroom.  Sweet!

– For a last resort when in a moody quandary?   Pastries and coffee.  Vacation is the perfect excuse to eat whatever you want, whenever you want.   Hot damn!

Tomorrow – Holding Off the Inevitable

Things Discovered at the Beach

24 Jun

Today I was able to sit on the beach for about three hours with Main Squeeze and it was fascinating.  

Did you all know there is a whole other world out there outside of work?  Why didn’t anyone TELL me?!  I get so wrapped up in dealing with the dipshits…that I forget there is a big, beautiful, amazing world out there.  Just listening to the waves and breathing in the sea air….better than anything else in a long time.   I did make some realizations.

– Some dads, not all of them, remind me of Bad Boss.  They just sit there in their chair and the sweet wife does all the work with their kids….and she never gets to sit down or get any rest.  Shouldn’t it be a team effort?

– People with beautifully sculpted bodies really are pretty amazing.  I’m not talking about the kind of bodies that are enhanced with fake stuff either.  Just the people that work hard and treat their bodies quite well.  It is not something you see super often…at least not where I am.  I always dreamed that would be me walking down the beach…but, it isn’t.  So, I admire the ones that are stunning – men, women, whoever. 

– PAY the extra money to rent the beach chairs and umbrella…totally worth it.  You ARE on vacation, you know.

– Tiny children do not seem to mind eating sand.

-Swimming and jumping in the waves is still fun.  Finding nasty-ass seaweed clumps inside your bathing suit later is not.

– There is nothing like the feeling of a cool shower after a long, hot day at the beach.  If only all things in life were so easily solved.  

Tomorrow – When It Rains, We Pour

Things Living Dilbert Learned from “Happy Feet”

23 Jun

Living Dilbert is on vacation with an incredible family that with all the brothers and sisters…have 6 children. It was inevitable that I’d have to watch some kid movies.  My God…Happy Feet.  I was mesmerized:

Lessons Learned from Happy Feet:

1- Humans are bad, which I already knew. Most are greedy bastards that could give a crap about the environment or anything else.

2-Penguins are very cute…especially Pixar ones.

3- Being different is not a bad thing.  You just have to learn how to get others to “see” you.

4- Like Bad Bosses,crotchety old men in power are often not right.  They are not open to new ideas that could help them and would rather starve than try anything new and outside their old crusty thought patterns.

5- One fearless spirit can make a huge difference in the world.

I’m getting soft on vacation and almost got a lump in my throat just typing this.   Don’t worry though.   I’ll be quite ugly-acting as the vacation winds to a close.  

Tomorrow – Things Discovered at the Beach

Things Overheard at the Beach

22 Jun

I should have said, “Things Overhead on Vacation.”   So far:

– “There’s not enough vodka in my Appletini.”

– “I didn’t drink enough last night.”

– “God, I love soap operas.”

– “The social commentary in “Happy Feet” is quite profound.”

– “Hurry up!  Where are you?!  Get to the pool because we have two chairs saved for you.”

– “The yogurt place is only open for another hour….we must leave now!”

Notice these don’t have the same sharp edge as regular  Living Dilbert…but, I am with a different and far more loving crowd!

Tomorrow – What Living Dilbert Learned from “Happy Feet”

Vacation!

21 Jun

Folks, I’m sorry that I have been delinquent.  It was not my plan!   I’ve been at a secret locaton in which I did not have internet for two days…but, all is good in the world now!   I AM officially on vacation and I didn’t have to kill anyone or commit any major crimes to do so…and, I’m still employed.  How lucky am I?

In honor of vacation:

V – Vacated the offices of Bad Bosses, baby!

A – Assholes?  None in sight!

C – Cocktails – Noon is not too early, is it?

A – Away from stupid questions for an entire week!

T – Too much froth in my morning latte?  I don’t think so.  

I – I am IN LOVE with not being in the office.

O – Oh….if only I was independently wealthy…sigh.

N – No need for makeup or suits for 7 days!

Tomorrow – Things Overheard at the Beach