Wishes of a Corporate Drone (With an Attitude)

3 Jun

Let’s pretend – what would you wish for (work-related) if you had 10 wishes?  Me…for right now?

1 – Having a job that I am excited about when I wake up in the mornings. 

2 – Having Bad Boss ask me one of his fake, “How are you?” questions and I smile and slap the living hell out of him and say, “Better now.”

3 – Walking out of current job on a payday and not coming back, ever.

4 – Going on vacation soon and never coming back, ever.

5 – Never seeing Bad Boss again, ever.

6 – Never worrying about money and having time to volunteer with only nice people.  I can’t imagine being independently wealthy.  They say money doesn’t buy happiness…but, I’d sure like to try it.

7 – Telling all the Bad Bosses to kiss my behind and then displaying the merchandise for them to kiss.

8 – Seeing Bad Boss get the worst paper cut ever known to human kind and then pouring Goo Gone on it.

9 – Taking all the recycling and the toner cartridges that Bad Boss orders me to throw away (instead of recycling) and shoving them up his ass.

10 – Put a very powerful laxative in Bad Bosses coffee….and wait.   I’m talking about the type that would make him crap in his pants before he can even get out of his office.

I’m just going to sit at my desk and close my eyes and daydream….I’m forceably stopping myself at 10 for today. 

Tomorrow – Global Warming is Caused by Hot Air

21 Responses to “Wishes of a Corporate Drone (With an Attitude)”

  1. bookjunkie June 3, 2010 at 8:47 am #

    this is too good not to reblog…cos those are all the things I wanted to do to bad bad people at work.

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2010 at 10:31 am #

      Thank you, my friend! I go back and forth with a little guilt from being mean, but a) it is well-deserved; b) they constantly do horrid things to outdo themselves as being selfish buttholes; and c) it feels soooooo good.

  2. bookjunkie June 3, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    hardly too rantish…i love it!!!

  3. Amy June 3, 2010 at 9:25 am #

    #1, definitely. Or at least have a job where I feel like I am accomplishing something important other than helping make someone else incredibly wealthy.

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2010 at 10:30 am #

      Amy, are you sure you don’t work here or for lawyers in general? Lately, I not only battle with their wealthy attitudes, but their criticism on how Useless and I can save more money on our own. I feel an awful mean streak coming on…

  4. shoutabyss June 3, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Ha! We just had the #9 discussion in my office yesterday. Since boss is hanging around these days he needs important things to do like criticize me for being green.

    Jeez, don’t you have anything more important to do than worry about four spent toner cartridges sitting on my shelf? Maybe you’d also care to escort me to the loo and instruct me on a better way to wipe my own arse? Who needs profits and real strategies to improve the business? There are other important matters that demand the brilliance that only you can provide.

    Regarding #2: Even better, don’t ask me “How are you?” in the first place. Ever. There can never be a good outcome to that question unless I lie.

    I barely survived yesterday and yet I’m forced to jump back into the danger today. This may be the last you ever hear from me…

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2010 at 10:29 am #

      You get criticized too? BB scoffs at me and orders me to “quit recycling” all the time. I have to sneak stuff out. When I think of the reality of the situation, it makes me even madder. Your boss sounds like a #1 candidate for a Bad Boss and you are right…he probably would like to come to the loo with you to tell you how to wipe your arse…controlling bastard!!!!

    • Ody June 3, 2010 at 10:40 am #

      As the Boss (hopefully LD isn’t one of my staff) I get on my staff for NOT recylcing. I package and take them to UPS myself. THEY HAVE GODDAMN UPS prepaid labels in the box already, for god’s sake. SMFH.

  5. Ody June 3, 2010 at 10:19 am #

    Wishes of a Corporate Director:

    1) Put laxatives in all meeting participants coffee save for mine. See how long the meetings last now, poop-boy.

    2) Disable all PowerPoint presentation capabilities or..

    3) ..put random, inappropriate pictures in said PowerPoint presentations

    4) Replace laser pointer with high output “death laser”

    5) Have movie nights in the office classroom

    6) Two words: Nude Friday

    7) On second thought, strike that. *shudder*

    8) Bowling for time off!

    9) Free colonoscopies to all staff

    10)No more fundraisers for your children in the break room.

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2010 at 10:27 am #

      Ody, I’m considering making a move to your state and begging to work for you. These made me get mental pictures of all listed items with Bad Bosses and giggle out loud. Thank you!

      • Ody June 3, 2010 at 10:38 am #

        You would hate the winters here.

  6. frigginloon June 3, 2010 at 11:01 am #

    You so need to watch Swimming With Sharks !!!! That #8 “paper cut” reminded me of it!

  7. thoughtsappear June 3, 2010 at 11:05 am #

    I’d love to be there for #2…and #10. Maybe #10. It would be funny to see the attempted run to the bathroom.

  8. Belle June 3, 2010 at 12:01 pm #

    LD, the best thing you can do (and it’s pretty much a given that you have and will) is make sure the ba*t*r* misses you when you’re gone. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of laughing when you hear that BB went through “X” number of replacements after you left (I really enjoyed that after working 5 yrs for a BB).

    Trust me, it’s as good a feeling as hearing that my ex- commented to a mutual friend that he just didn’t know how I got it all (housework, errands, his kid, work, etc.) done (after divorce). Ha! I’m still smiling about that 12 years later!!

  9. cooper June 3, 2010 at 3:12 pm #

    just be careful…remember the rat poison box looks just like skinny & sweet….

    (it’s a semi-obscure reference, but an applicable one)

  10. cooper June 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    having read the list and the responses, I think we need to tweek the “viscious” level a tad, although some of Ody’s are spot on:

    1) Crazy Glue the reciever on the desk phone to the base and disable all speaker/headset functionality.

    2) Relay a message that a man just called looking for them and his on his way up with a supeona…apparently this person is a lawyer from the SEC.

    3) Find the circuit breaker. Wait for the post-lunch rush a trip the breaker for the men’s room.

    4) Wire conference room chairs to provide electric shocks to anyone leading a meeting that lasts longer than 10 minutes, triggered of course by those in attendance.

    5) let a skunk loose in a chosen greed-head’s office while they’re on a conference call. Poke said skunk with stick. Close door.

    6) Hide brick of Limburger cheese deep in the recesses of office bookcase. the best time to do this is late Friday at the start of a three day weekend. close door.

    7) Each Friday, everyone in the office gets to vote someone out of the office, permanently.

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2010 at 4:15 pm #

      You are so damn funny with these! I love them! You know I thought last night, “I need to have a bit more of an edge.” It is why I need to write my posts while at work and freshly enraged, rather than waiting til I get home! Thanks, Cooper!

  11. redriverpak June 3, 2010 at 10:06 pm #

    #10 – Try slipping some Magnesium Citrate into his coffee or soda…… Works wonders on Colonoscopy patients…

  12. sandwichmaker June 4, 2010 at 2:32 am #

    Haha!

    I have to admit, before I quit my job to start making sandwiches, I think my list was the exact same as yours.

    Well, except for number seven, that is. Knowing my bosses, they actually would have done it.

    And that would have made things even more uncomfortable…

  13. slightlyignorant June 4, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Hey, #10 is totally doable. I mean seriously. You can do it and who’d ever know?

  14. notesfromrumbleycottage June 4, 2010 at 9:30 pm #

    When you get meaner than you are comfortable with being, it is time to get out.

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