My Life as a Funeral Director

15 Jun

I seem to dress up dead people.   I have to breathe life into this place every day.   Although faced with dead people, I act positive and happy and think up cheerful things to pass the hours.  When the FedEx guy comes or the soda delivery folks come…I put on happy face and parade them through the office past the dead people. 

I know that when working with the living, I would actually get a response to my e-mails and maybe even a hello now and then, but in this place I feel like I have to fill them with embalming fluid and prop them at their desks in order just to have any company. I never get a response from Bad Bosses, so it is as if I am talking to the dead.  You would think that they would not notice if I am even around, but they are like horrible ghosts – they actually haunt me while I am at my desk.  They just linger — like the “shadows” in Ghost Whisperer.  I have to be ever aware and not let them take over the Shinies (my light).

So, here I sit at my desk and wait for the condolence cards to arrive.  What should the obituary say?  Passive-Aggressive & Angry spent much of their professional lives making others miserable.  They leave behind Living Dilbert, Useless Co-worker and a slew of unbillable hours.  In lieu of flowers, please make donations to the Living Dilbert Healthcare Fund.

Tomorrow – Living Dilbert v. Bad Boss – My World Cup Runneth Over

11 Responses to “My Life as a Funeral Director”

  1. izziedarling June 15, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    Hahaha – where do we send donations?

  2. writerdood June 15, 2010 at 9:04 am #

    I like the analogy. We have a funeral director here too. (A couple of them actually). They’re always trying to pierce my neutral demeanor and force me to display some form of human emotion. They’re pretty good at it too. Some days I’m forced to rely on Vulcan mental techniques just to keep from smiling.

  3. shoutabyss June 15, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Well, you gotta love what you do.

    It’s a dead man’s party. Who could ask for more?

  4. Ody Granados June 15, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Did you see today’s Dilbert? There’s an app for that:
    http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2010-06-15/

    • livingdilbert June 15, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

      Today’s Dilbert made me laugh out loud! If only it was that easy…huh?

  5. slightlyignorant June 15, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

    That’s a brilliant obituary :D. And I LOVE today’s Dilbert that Ody Granados posted… Brilliant. Don’t you wish you could do that to Bad Boss?

    Were you a Six Feet Under fan by any chance?

  6. Brea June 15, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

    LOL, the blank, staring faces. Are you sure that they’re actually dead? Cause if they’re zombies, you need a trench helmet, or they’ll eat yer brainz!

    Ack.

  7. sandwichmaker June 16, 2010 at 3:35 am #

    LD,

    “They leave behind Living Dilbert, Useless Co-worker and a slew of unbillable hours…”

    I never thought I’d say this, but your obituary left me wanting for more.

    ps. As for the competition tomorrow, I’ve got my money on LivingDilbert.

    pps. Just so you know, my sandwich recipes are on temporary hiatus. (I’m just trying to figure out a way to make them more “sandwichy”…)

    • livingdilbert June 16, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

      Sweet Sandwich Maker…shall I leave you on the blogroll for now or give you a hiatus too? I thoroughly support your efforts! I hope you won’t go away though!

  8. cooper June 16, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

    maybe if you carried a cattle prod as you walked around…

    just a thought…

    • livingdilbert June 16, 2010 at 2:28 pm #

      Damn, I think I’ll see if I can buy a cattle prod on Amazon, since they have everything else. I’d be delighted to have it shipped to me directly here and do some shocking. I really like the idea…

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