Archive | July, 2010

My Life as a Ringmaster

30 Jul

When I was younger, I used to want to run away and be in the circus.  I’ll admit that it still fascinates me at times.   I get scared now, however, because I think there is a lot of meth use and I’m not really into that.   Today, I realized I am already in the circus…just not your traditional type.  Holy Smokes, I’m the GD ringmaster of a corporate three-ring circus.

Presenting the renowned circus of Ostrich, Giant Baby & Tinkles!

Ring One – Infuriating Super Baby!  Oh, this one definitely requires a whip too.  He’s been running around the ring today slamming doors.   He is a Master of Door Slamming when there is the slightest noise.  Today I mistakenly spoke to another coworker and the noise made him turn into the Incredible Hulk Super Pooing Baby!  My coworker (not Useless, who is aftraid of her own shadow) had to grab me by the arm before I went and slammed his head into my fist. 

Ring Two – Incredible Denial Man!  This would be Bad Boss #2 in his real life.   He heard the door slam (who didn’t?) and immediately buried his head in the sand!   He knows BB is a monster and is afraid of him.   He is also BB’s mentor…so, it is painful to see.  Oh, the power he could have if he weren’t in denial!  As Ringmaster, I just let him quiver about the ring each day.   Sometimes I have to move him away from the new wall we had built day before yesterday because he just stands in front of it like a sweet, old lost dog with dementia.

Ring Three – Useless Coworker!  Useless….she’s like one of those vacuuming robots that I could just turn loose  into her ring.  She’d just race about bumping into things…reversing and doing it all over again.   Her main claim to stardom?  She operates without a brain!   Her other nicknames?  Nervous Jervous or Tinkles!   Tinkles gets so nervous each day and bustles about asking me questions about what might happen.  How the fu** should I know?  Perhaps Ringmaster should shove her into a big sack with chains on it to see if she can escape!    

Ok, my sweetnesses,…have to run.  I’m going to go whip the living daylights out of Bad Boss.   I can’t even believe how infuriating he is.  What happened to my not giving a flip?  Oh, that’s right…he slammed a door in my face!

This circus thing will be an ongoing title….there is SO much to work with each day!  In the meantime?  I’ll be the wonderous Ringmaster who is spitting fire!

Next Time – The Tide is Turning

I Really Don’t Give a Flip

29 Jul

I think it is finally happening.  Living Dilbert is developing a truly thick skin.   After 29  months of dealing with Bad Bosses and Useless Coworkers that don’t give a crap, guess what?   I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.   Once upon a time, I would have been horrified by such a personality development when it comes to my work ethic, but now I think it will probably save my life.    Now, when dysfunctional, idiotic, maddening, stupid-ass situations present themselves…I hear a calm serene voice in my head that says it again and again.   “I don’t give a flip.”   It is enlightening I tell you!

Recent examples?

1 – Everyone is up in arms about where they will put their useless crap now that the building has cut 1/2 our space.  Useless loves to come to me all shaking like chihuahua in an ice storm and says, “Have you heard where people are going to be putting their boxes?”  “Where do you think I should put BB#2’s things?”  and there it is….I don’t give a flip.

2 – Bad Bosses running around today with their shriveled peens saying, “I didn’t know THAT is where the wall was going!  Now, maybe we can move the server room again so it is quieter.”   Yes, God knows the hum must keep them from working….ooops, there I go.   I don’t give a flip – figure it out yourself.

3 – Bad Bosses trying to mark their territory with the new space and have constantly come out of their offices to stare at said new wall.   I want to scream.   Oh, that’s right…I don’t give a flip.

4 – We have no business and the only person that sent out their bills for a 3 month period is BB #2.  It was for about $30K….four weeks ago.   Has anyone paid us? No.   I don’t give a flip…just pay me unemployment.

5 – There is no room in this office for your egos, your bullsh** and your slapping each other on the back.  You constantly ignore anything that makes sense and I watch you spend countless dollars due to that fact.   You are the dumbest bastards I’ve ever met.   You will not listen to any form of reason, ever.   Oh crap..insert new motto – I don’t give a flip.

I now also don’t give a rat’s ass about working a full day.   None of you do and I’ve been doing it for 29 months.  I faithfully sit here while you flush money down the figurative commode.  Not anymore, my friends.   Here’s a flip I can use.

Next Time – My Life as a Ringmaster

I Assume Your Lack of Response Means….

28 Jul

You know what bugs the living hell out of Living Dilbert besides Bad Boss and Useless?   Bad vendors.  We are a small office and do I ask for much?  No.   Am I very, very nice to all of our vendors?  Yes, I promise you.   Here’s a list of things you, as a vendor, can do to get on my bad side:

1 – Don’t respond to an urgent request.  I’m not an a-hole.  I don’t yell and scream and expect you to put me at the top of your list when I have a crisis, but you know what?   When I do have an IT crisis and it takes you two days to get back to me?   I want to come over there and punch you all in the face.   Men…I’ll kick you in the nads.   When you DON’T respond or say you’ll “get back to me” – who do you think gets yelled at when stuff doesn’t get corrected?   Who do you think is the front-line for blame when it is totally out of my control?   Right – LIVING DILBERT.   IT Vendor, we pay you thousands and thousands each year.  Let me tell you, naughty vendor, how about I stop mailing your payments or just get around to it when I feel like it?

2 – Vendors that I’ve never used that will NOT leave me alone.  While I appreciate your drive and desire for new business, if I don’t call you back the 47 times you call me, there is a pretty good chance that I’M NOT INTERESTED.   I’m trying to save us both face.   However, if you keep calling me and emailing me once a day, I will eventually let you know how I feel and I probably won’t be nice.  In addition, I work for a controlling Bad Boss who will NEVER let me choose a vendor because he must have the final word like a little bratty-ass child bully on a playground, so it’s out of my hands.

3 – For the office – Don’t leave me several post-its on my desk about a vendor when we’ve already discussed it.  You know what I’ll do with your notes after I’ve muttered every obscenity known to human kind?  I’ll rip that mother effer up and throw it in the trash.  I came in this morning to not one, but 3 notes on my desk telling me our server back up is beeping.   Hmmmm…did we talk about it yesterday?  Yes.  Did I call our IT vendor twice?  Yes.   Why are you bothering me?   I do not have short-term memory problems.  

Ok, now picture me writing the above post while screaming every word in my head.   

Next – I Really Don’t Give a Flip

You Want Me to Do What??!

27 Jul

To review the facts known by all, we have no business.   The firm of Piddly Piddly & Piddliest LLP is steadily going down the crapper.   I have worked very hard not to panic about it anymore.  I no longer breathe into that paper bag that I have in my desk drawer on a daily basis to keep the anxiety attacks at bay.   Why bother caring?   No one else does and it is stripping my soul of all that is good.   However, once in a while I am still taken aback by the pure madness.  

Instead of getting any business…rather even trying, here are a couple Bad Boss requests in the last two weeks:

1 – Research and find him a restaurant along his route in town to meet a guy that will produce no business, but is on one of the committees with Bad Boss that merely lets them all meet and admire each other’s looks and puff out their chests.    Ok, am I driving there?   No.   Do I know what you want for lunch?  No.   But, I have to do it.  I find a couple places of which he shoots them both down.  “No, that place makes my clothes smell…”  “No, that place won’t work.”   THEN, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME???   I end up finding a place that serves his Highness’ needs….finally.

2 – I come in last week and there is a 4 page printout on my desk with a note that reads, “Will you call the City of ** and help me figure out how to get an specialized meter for my house?  Water bills are just killing me and this will help me even if it costs a ton.”   Ok, Bad Boss could give a rat’s ass about water conservation…he only cares about the big bucks he’s paying for his water bill.  He has about 65 children, so apparently he never thought of saving money before impregnating his wife multiple times.   Let me get this straight….you want me to spend my time helping you save money at home?   (when I just spent almost $800 to get a much-needed medical test and follow up).   This brings to mind a very crude statement I use only in special circumstances….

From the files of Living Dilbert, two favorites of unreasonable requests by bosses include…sweet D whose boss made her drive him to his colonoscopy (I would have rather performed it on him…with a weed eater) and the dear girl whose boss made her smell the armpits of his suits to see if they needed drycleaning.   Bosses everywhere?   We are fricking on to you.   WATCH IT.   

Final note – THANK YOU to Main Squeeze and Heart of Gold last night who totally surprised me with a little cake…want to see?   We nearly spent the entire night talking about how wonderful YOU are and telling your stories to each other from your comments.   You truly bring me joy….see, I don’t have a totally black heart!

For more horror stories of Bad Bosses…go to and be sure to read the comments section.   Your mouth will hang open.

Going Undercover

26 Jul

The last thing I wanted to do this morning was to come to this crusty ole bunghole of an office.   Before the dread could truly seep into every cell of my being yesterday, I came up with a new plan (with some help from Main Squeeze).  

I’m going “undercover.”  What the hell do I mean, you are wondering?    Well, I can’t seem to leave here just yet, the oppression is depressing me to no end, I keep trying to hope for the better with Bad Boss and I am living the definition of insanity….so, I had to come up with a new ploy in order to effing stand it!  

I’ll let you in on a little something…I have realized I love to write.  It’s been pretty exciting to find something I love while here, rather than just commit assisted suicide to Bad Bosses.   God knows they are dying here…and a slow, painful death and I’m NOT going with them.  I would love to end up writing a book one day!   Perhaps an expose on Corporate America and the repeated patterns of failure and denial I see every day, but with a cutting edge.  Anyway, why not pretend that this dysfunctional, laughable poo hole of a law firm is just an undercover assignment!   I can listen a little more intently, pry a little deeper…who knows what I’ll find.   This firm is merely a means to my end…in a good way.  You KNOW these Bad Bosses provide great material every day!  

So, in the meantime…and a plan is nearly in motion, I will continue to report from the front lines!   Living Dilbert reporting for duty!

Next Time – You Want Me to Do What??!


Be Kind to Your Behind

25 Jul

I admit I heard this title line from another source.   Can anyone tell me from where?   Hint:  TV commercial – I’d never noticed that line til yesterday and it was my Line of the Day.   Made me chuckle.

Do you know why Sundays are almost as nice as Saturdays?  It has to do with the day of rest thing.  I like to practice my resting by sitting on my behind most of the day…reading, recharging, relaxing.

Hope YOU had a fabulous Sunday too – resting your soul…in preparation for Monday.  

Tomorrow – Going Undercover

Saturday Already?!

24 Jul

You know, having my sweet boob poked and being out a day and a half definitely had some positive aspects besides my very fortunate results.  With the flurry of appointments, it was Friday almost immediately and I didn’t have to go through that awful, dragging, endless time-space continuim that usually takes place Monday – Friday.  

I have got to find new ways to have the work hours pass more quickly.  Granted, now that I’m in my 40s time seems to fly by in general, but we all know those work hours during the week do not.  

Why am I thinking about this right now???   It is Saturday and I’m breaking one of my own Living Dilbert rules – “Do NOT think about anything work-related on the weekends!”    Sorry, it must be my brain trying to catch up from the missed work this week.  You know what will fix that?   Another cup of coffee, shower, shopping and Lifetime tv!

Hope you all have a wonderful Saturday – it feels so good to be writing again.  I think the spark may be back.

Tomorrow – Be Kind to Your Behind

Poking Fun….

23 Jul

Sorry, I’ve been MIA and I’ve missed you.  

I made a big realization this week…well, I’ve had it before, but this week was the clencher.   One thing I seem to have inherited from my Dad is a sense of humor.  Thank GOD!  When things get tough, I resort to humor and finding ways to make fun of whatever God-awful situation in which I find myself.   I remember once when sweet Dad was having a major surgery in the hospital and things were really BAD, there we were….making fun of it.  I’ll never forget that day…I consider it a gift.

Long story short, and not so funny…I found two breast lumps a couple weeks ago.  Living Dilbert has been down this road before and I was pretty sure they were cysts.  A mammogram, two ultrasounds and $900 later…there I was being faced with a needle that reminded me of the Seattle Space Needle headed towards me with a small crowd in the room and me flat on my back with everyone touching my left tit.   You know, the doctors call it a “fine needle aspiration” – fine, my ass!   Good news, is that all is FINE.  I have a very sore boob, but am extremely thankful that it is over and done with and that I am one of the lucky ones.

Do you think Bad Boss cared?  NO.  Do I still need to get used to that?  YES.   I have no “colleagues” here.  No family.  Main Squeeze made a wonderful point this morning.  YOU are my colleagues….you, my blogging friends.  Thank you.  Have a told you what a wonderful job you are doing?   You are.  You are fantastic and you all deserve a big raise and bonus. 

Tomorrow – Saturday Already?!


Biting My Tongue….

20 Jul

Biting my tongue more than usual this week and since I get paid on Friday…I’m having to bite it harder and harder not to say the things rumbling around in my head.   Lots of stress this week…more other stuff than work-related and my temper is a bit short.  Here are some quick thoughts in no particular order of things I WISH I could say:

To Bad Boss – “You are the rudest, most self-involved a-hole I’ve ever met.  You are a giant baby….better yet, you are an petulant little pu**y.  It would behoove your family and everyone that has to come in contact with you for you to get intense therapy.  Your firm is a joke…you, as a successful lawyer, are a bigger joke and trust me, lots of folks are laughing.   You have laughably tiny feet too.”

To Bad Boss –   “Must be nice being on your wife’s insurance.  You can get any procedure done for free…we can’t and I just had to pay $230 for something that was free at Old Law Firm.  You are at the tippy top of my sh** list, you cheap bastard.”

To Bad Boss – “I know where you park your car and you are going to need a new paint job very soon based on the fact that my keys accidentally dragged along your passenger side.  On my way up this morning, I also spit a big one on your windshield.   I thank all that is holy every day that I’m not married to you.” 

To Bad Boss #2 – “For God’s sake man, get a hobby.”

To Useless Coworker –  “I appreciate your kindness this week, but I still don’t want to talk to you.”

To Woman from 10th Floor – “Please, I beg of you, quit crapping in our ladies room!!!   I can’t take it!   Eat some cheese or something!”

To the Universe – “Thank you for letting me be employed and for having some form of insurance and the fact that I am lucky in so many ways.   Next time I make a big jump to a job and it’s a gamble….would you mind if maybe, just maybe…it worked out kind of nicely? ”

My writing is not so great this week, bear with me?   Tomorrow will be funny…..

Tomorrow – Poking Fun….

You Know It is a Rough Day When….

19 Jul

You know it is probably a fairly tough work day when:

1 – Bad Boss #2 starts sending you all his documents to print because he tells you he “is not connecting,” meaning that you know it is just that his brain is not connecting because he’s trying to do two things at once.

2 – Your head is splitting and you never have headaches.

3 – The thought of fattening, sugary doughnuts doesn’t even spark your interest.

4 – You get caught by an unannounced vendor by the front door of your office and there is not a damn thing you can do about it…but, you aren’t too mean because she gives you a small, nice-smelling thing of lotion….something usually of which you would have thrown at her head, but you are just too tired.

5 – The thought of your unexpected mammogram tomorrow is actually a relief because you don’t have to go into work immediately.   So…..having your boob smooshed between two pieces of freezing glass by a stranger is better than work.   Nice.

Tomorrow – Biting My Tongue