More Observations on How to Fail in Business Without Really Trying

1 Jul

If you, too, would like to have a business or law firm that makes NO money…here are some helpful tips:

1 – Finally mention that you should probably do a little marketing (after the phone has not rung for weeks) and then turn around and disappear every day and don’t tell anyone where you are.  Bravo!

2 – Putter around and don’t do dick in the office as one of the partners, other than watch the Kagan hearings on your computer.  Extra points for coming in at 11 because “you were watering your yard,” and then proceeding to leave at 3 to go “swim in your pool.”

3 – Continue to ignore your faithful staff that comes in each and every day and is constantly surprised by the fact we are still open and that there is not a padlock on the door.  Better yet, sit on your asses all day in dead silence with your thumb up your rear and then tell the staff that they are not getting a raise because “we can’t afford it.”

4 – Instead of talking business strategy with your business partners each day…have an hour long discussion on the best way to poison rats at your house, what shrubs you are growing in your yard, how once upon a time in 1978 you had an original thought that stuck or how you just got your pool resurfaced.  Can you REALLY not think of any other thing to talk about that may actually have some importance??

5 – Continue to pay our bills late.  It impresses our vendors so much that you didn’t even bother writing any checks for weeks because you are too GD lazy to ever use the software you paid thousands for when setting up this record-breaking office.  Extra points for bitching at me about having to write checks, when it is your lazy ass that won’t use the software…or let me help you.

You dickheads.  I know what you do.  Every once in a blue moon a teeny, tiny nearly untraceable light bulb goes off in your thick skulls that says, “Holy crap…I can’t believe we are still open…living the dream of running our own law firm without all those silly rules that we resented while at the big firms.  We better get off our self-righteous, pompous asses and do something in order to run our own, piddly law firm, gosh darn it!”  Then…dramatic silence.. what happens next, you ask?   Once again, they let the realization flitter away as a mere piece of fluff from their bellybuttons and repeat the same behavior.  Camera swivels so you can now picture me cramming my own fist in my mouth to keep from screaming.

Tomorrow – The Power of Positive Thinking, My Ass…

11 Responses to “More Observations on How to Fail in Business Without Really Trying”

  1. Office1 July 1, 2010 at 8:50 am #

    Flying piece of fluff from their belly button…priceless LD

    I will now have that image in my head when some corporate doofus tries to impress upon me how smart he is and how weak and stupid I am.

  2. Leslie July 1, 2010 at 9:48 am #

    Ditto the belly button lint comment. Contemplating their navels may be their deepest though process possible.

    You do have it bad! And I thought all the cursing & screaming in my office was bad. I’m in marketing. I take that back: I AM the entire marketing department. Guess what my budget is??? NOTHING. “Find out what we can do for free”.

    Stick around so when it goes down like the Hindenburg you can claim unemployment and take your time finding a new job so you won’t desperately take the first one that comes along….like I did.

  3. Amy July 1, 2010 at 10:01 am #

    I don’t know how you do it every day, dealing with these morons. It’s starting to get painful to read – entertaining, but painful!

  4. shoutabyss July 1, 2010 at 10:19 am #

    Hits … too … close … to … home … Must … hang … on …

    Strength fading…

  5. redriverpak July 1, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    This would make a great movie vehicle for Milla Jovovich… She could play you. She could sit there, day after day, letting all the rage build up until one day she just snaps, whips out semi-automatic weapons from under her coat, and then starts blasting away on the Boss from Hell…. (in graphic slow motion)

    Man, I need to get a life and quit watching so many movies…..

    • livingdilbert July 1, 2010 at 11:52 am #

      Are you kidding? Movies make life better. It is a great pasttime. I need to watch more AND read more. I will take the Milla reference as a huge compliment. I love, love, love her in the Resident Evil movies. She is a true butt kicker. If only….

  6. cooper July 1, 2010 at 12:46 pm #

    I was thinking more along the lines of Species where the alien efforlessly rips the spine out of it’s victims…

  7. redriverpak July 1, 2010 at 4:38 pm #

    What current celebrity would you cast to play Bad Boss? Just curious…

    • livingdilbert July 1, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

      Oh gosh…let me think here…it would have to be based on a few different factors – how they look compared to my thoughts and maybe how they act in real life. How about…Mel Gibson. Do you think he’d be good? Everyone used to love Mel Gibson and think he was so wonderful, but his personality has shone through the past few years! Let me come up with a second and third place.

  8. redriverpak July 1, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

    How bout Rod Blagojevich……then you would have Jovovich and Blagojevich in the same film! It would make millions in the Balkan Countries….

  9. katie o. July 1, 2010 at 6:42 pm #

    oh ld, i seriously don’t know how you get up and go to work everyday. what i really don’t get is how your bad bosses continue to make the same insanely stupid mistakes time and time again. i’m keeping my fingers crossed that you can get out of there soon.

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