The Power of Positive Thinking, My Ass…

2 Jul

First of all, don’t EVER, ever tell Living Dilbert to “think positively” because just hearing it makes me angry.  I can think however I choose and in my humble opinion, I often like to “think ugly-acting.”   Admit it, it is often a better coping mechanism while at work or in any unpleasant situation.  If the truth be known, I’ve thought positively for most of my working life and what has it gotten me?   Elevated blood pressure…that’s what…with a little gray hair sprinkled in as a reward.**

Tell me, how I can think positively, when all I hear in my office today is the popping of Bad Bosses butt cheeks as he poots in his office?

Tell me, how I can “keep my chin up” when I go to the ladies restroom for one minute of serenity and there are either dead roaches lying around or some interloper taking a crap in there?

Tell me, all you “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” people….how I can be effective when the only change I am effecting is the best way to shift in my work chair so that I appear to be alive and my spine doesn’t freeze up?

Tell me, “What Color is My Parachute?”  preachers….is there a chapter about exactly when someone should abandon the plane even without a parachute?

Well, let me tell YOU something, you dang optimists.   You can do all the positive thinking you want, but it doesn’t change people.   Yes, I realize it can change your perception of people and situations…but, where is the fun in that?

Maybe Living Dilbert should write a book.  Let’s see….I could call it, “The Power of Wishing You’d Get the Runs,” or “The Power of Anger and Resentment,” or “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Bungholes,” or lastly, “Climbing the Corporate Ladder to Nowhere.”  Do you have a favorite?

Tomorrow -Hot Damn!

**In rereading this post…I thought I’d better add that no readers have ever told me to “think positively,” it was just a random thought that came to my head when I was writing last night!  Things just pop in my head and make me laugh and that very statement appeared – “the power of positive thinking, my ass…”, hence today’s post.  I have incredible readers…I’ve not gotten one bad comment.  Well, I did get one about a picture I posted, but I trashed it.   Ahh…the power of moderation. I would have posted it if it’d been fair!

22 Responses to “The Power of Positive Thinking, My Ass…”

  1. Office1 July 2, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    Ideas:

    “Who moved by f*@! cheese? You did you moron.”

    “Zen and the Art of Sanity Maintenance”

    “Glass Half Full….of Battery Acid, you jerk!”

    “Success comes to those who…leave!”

    “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him successful”

    “No use beating a dead horse, but it may make you feel better”

    • livingdilbert July 2, 2010 at 9:59 am #

      How about I shove the cheese down Bad Boss’ throat? Just the visual gives me the shivers!

  2. Amy July 2, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    “think ugly-acting” can be very healthy. If you visualize (or blog) all the nasty things you wish you could do to someone instead of blanketing your rage with fuzzy, happy thoughts, you are probably less likely to actually do the nasty things.
    So, rock on with your negative thoughts!

    • shoutabyss July 2, 2010 at 9:51 am #

      Heh. I loves me this post. I especially like the bit about the parachute! 🙂

      I think about jumping without a parachute on a daily basis. In work terms, that means quitting and have absolutely no prospects on the horizon. It would be risking our entire existence and, dammit, I’m still too responsible for that. Yet I dream about it all day long. I even fantasize about McDonalds and Taco Bell, which wouldn’t pay as good, but would be giant leap in working conditions and job happiness.

      • livingdilbert July 2, 2010 at 9:58 am #

        I TOTALLY agree, Shout! I think about it too. I even ended up turning down that last prospect because it would have been jumping out of the frying pan into the fire….and at least I know how to handle things here and I get GREAT material. Other dreams? Working at a bookstore or hell, even picking up trash along the highway. I sure love the way you think. Hey, if you worked at Taco Bell or McDonald’s…wouldn’t you get great food discounts? YUM! I think its brilliant.

    • livingdilbert July 2, 2010 at 9:59 am #

      Thanks, Amy. Love your comments! I’ve found “ugly-acting” really is more fun…and I’m glad to know I have a counterpart!

    • Nick July 3, 2010 at 9:50 am #

      Totally agree!

  3. Annette July 2, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    Hmmm…

    I’ve been down both sides…the extreme of thinking down the dark, negative, self-hating road and then up the positive, passionate and self-praising path…I have to say, when you hit rock bottom, nothing is more lifting and fulfilling then the power of your mind and the clear view of life when you don’t have darkened lenses fogging your view.
    Great post, thanks!

  4. Danielle July 2, 2010 at 10:09 am #

    I love your blog and I am so glad Cori turned me on to it. You are hilarious. While I am lucky enough to be in a better job situation, I too worked for the LAMEST attorney on the planet with a failing practice, who owed over 250,000 in back taxes and complained all the time about his lame ailments but still had enough time to be constantly volunteering for the boy scouts because he was in love with the leader who was 25 years his junior. I could write a book about him and the other woman who worked in his office, omg let’s just say that conservative christian whore got her comeupance in the form of a couple of days in jail. But you talk about useless she spent 6 months doing nothing but working on her website.
    I hear you on the positive thinking……….one thing that grates on my nerves is when people say you should just smile, and I want to say the only thing right now that would make me smile is shoving my foot up your ass.
    Have a great 4th and thanks for making me smile everyday.

  5. notesfromrumbleycottage July 2, 2010 at 10:15 am #

    Love your mood indicator. That is exactly how I am feeling today but not at my boss.

  6. slightlyignorant July 2, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    “The Power of Anger and Resentment,” – that one says it all.

    By the way, THANK YOU. Damn, I HATE it when people just brush things off by saying “think positively” or “don’t worry, it’ll all be okay, just give us a smile” or other BS like that. So thank you for putting this into words.

  7. Belle July 2, 2010 at 11:36 am #

    I love “Climbing the Corporate Ladder to Nowhere.” But I also love “Success comes to those who…leave” that Office1 sent.

    At a risk of getting clobbered, “Cheer up, LD! It IS Friday, after all, AND a 3-day weekend!!!

  8. Brea July 2, 2010 at 11:53 am #

    Yes. Persistently Perky People Piss Me Off. If I’m in a bad mood, just let me have my moment, thanks. If you insist on getting in my face and giving me the “smiley”, I’ll give you something too. The finger in the eye.

    Grrrrrrr..

  9. redriverpak July 2, 2010 at 11:55 am #

    Just tell yourself that one day in the near future, Bad Boss is gonna have a heart attack in the office, and when the Paramedics come to care for him, they will cut his suit open to reveal panties, a garter belt, bra, the whole she-bang for all the office to see….. or at the very least, he will be wearing “Blues Clues” Boxers…

  10. MB July 2, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    It’s almost impossivel to stay positive when your surrounded by idiot lawyers. They have a way of sucking happiness right out of the room. I think my memoirs are going to be titled “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.”

    Hang in there. Only 1 hour and 5 minutes to go until 5:00 of a long holiday weekend. Enjoy!

  11. MB July 2, 2010 at 3:57 pm #

    HAHAHAHA … Ooops … obviously that was supposed to read “almost impossible” not “impossivel.” I shouldn’t have started drinking so early in the day. Where’s spellcheck on this thing?

  12. Cori July 2, 2010 at 4:39 pm #

    Terrific post and comments! My idea of positive thinking when I have had it is this: I am POSITIVE the next person who pisses me off is going to get it!

  13. katie o. July 2, 2010 at 10:06 pm #

    Two words: “Serenity now”. And look at where that got Frank Costanza? Yeap, nowhere!
    I say share your evil, nasty thoughts with us. We will at least help you realize that you’re not that only one dealing with the daily madness.

  14. Nick July 3, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    This is awesome, I am so sick of people telling me to “keep my head up”. “Suck it up” is just another way of saying, “lay there and take it like a bitch – because there’s nothing you can do about it.” God damn I feel the same way, I also wrote a ‘Stop it with the positive outlook bullshit’ post. Very nicely done!

    http://retortnation.com/2010/05/10/youre-so-bitter/

  15. zana4 July 3, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    Okay you got a good point! I work in a office full of women who are constantly gossiping and causing drama. I know I can’t change them, but I need to work in the same environment. Why should I let them ruin my day at work? That’s why I keep a positive attitude. Maybe my hard work will pay off by getting a better paying job, that is main focus. But I do have a soft spot for a particular jerk, why? Ever met someone you felt like you should know for a reason? Well that’s the feeling I have towards the “JERK”. Don’t ask me to explain, I can’t figure it out either. Anyway, I love reading your posts they are really funny and truthful!

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