Useless Coworker Has Amnesia!!

7 Jul

Useless and Overpaid is either dumber than dirt or she simply must have a chemical misfire in her brain that blocks all forms of learning and the ability to pay attention.   I came pretty close to strangling her on Tuesday.   How can one tiny person be so utterly senseless???   How do I know Useless has amnesia?  

 – because she forgets to put her dishes away or wash them and they are piling up on her desk;

– because after nearly 3 years, she can’t remember a SIMPLE search function regarding our document management software;

– everytime I explain the above-referenced software search, she literally acts like it is the first time I’ve shown her.  Today she even had the audacity to take notes!!  (which she has DONE BEFORE).  She kept interjecting things like “Oh…” and “I see…” and crap like that as if she was understanding it.  I said, “Useless, I’ve shown you this before several times…” and she just kept on speaking as if I hadn’t said a word.  I was so tempted to make her cry, but the Karma Gods flashed before my eyes, so I just swallowed my disgust and will continue to plot other, more subtle revenge.  

– remember when she kept asking me what a certain phone number was on her Caller ID and it was HER EFFING BOSS CALLING HER?   Case in point…

Maybe I have amnesia too.  I keep forgetting what a giant stabbing pain she is in my ass.

I’m honestly not sure which is more stupid – Useless Coworker or the U.S. Postal Service for thinking for one split second that raising the postage rates yet again will actually help them out of the abyss that their poor management has landed them in….   HA!!! Don’t get me wrong, I love mail, but…if our big city is any indication of the effectiveness of the U.S. Postal Service as a whole…God help us all. 

Tomorrow – Living Dilbert Dispels Positive Quotes

8 Responses to “Useless Coworker Has Amnesia!!”

  1. shoutabyss July 7, 2010 at 9:44 am #

    Did someone say “abyss?” Just say that word and I show up like a bad penny. My ears were burning and oh man it felt good! 🙂

    As an I.T. sort of guy, when I establish a new system, say one that handles all of the money we collect from credit cards (something you’d guess is fairly important), I generate a memorandum and send it off to the owners of the company and others who need access. The memo documents all of the pertinent information required to access the account.

    I’ve given the owners this information dozens of times. Yet each and every time they need it, they have to come to me for it again. They accept absolutely no personal responsibility for knowing what they need to know regarding their own business. They literally just called me two days ago and said, “How do we get into the system?” I told them. “Oh yeah, we need the link, too.” ZOMG!

    If I worked at your office my stage name would be The Human Rolodex. Not only do I remember all of my own passwords, I remember those of everyone else in the company, too. I can tell you what the shipping manager’s email password by memory. (That is truly sick, by the way.) Unfortunately, he can’t. I keep track of all and they can’t even keep track of their own.

    Someday the time will come when I’ll be seriously unavailable and there will be a need for other people to know certain things. And they won’t know them. And I won’t be available. And then the laws of physics will kick in and everything will grind to a deliciously beautiful halt and the fecal matter will strike the spinning blades. The only sad part is that I won’t be around to enjoy the show. 🙂

    In my office we don’t have a kitchenette. So employees will often leave their dishes in the restroom sink. Yummy! And they’ll be there for weeks at a time. That’s the one and only restroom in the entire building that is also shared with the outside world and filthy creatures known as customers.

    I was thinking about you on Tuesday and wondering if you were back at work. Now I know. You have my condolences.

  2. Amy July 7, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    You don’t have amnesia, you just still have hope that people can change and actually use the handful of synapses that are still correctly firing in their brains instead of relying on you to constantly think for them.
    It’s wonderful that you are still hopeful, but you need to channel it elsewhere cause BB and UC are hopeless. Maybe start the day with hope that you don’t kill anyone or hope that you don’t stab a letter opener in your eye. You probably won’t be disappointed if you hope for those things. Probably. 🙂

  3. Cori July 7, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    They are also saying that they might stop service on Saturday. That being said, useless Coworker is DEFINITELY

  4. Cori July 7, 2010 at 10:45 am #

    They are also saying that they might stop delivery on Saturdays. That being said, Useless Coworker is DEFINITELY more stupid. She wins, hands down.

  5. cooper July 7, 2010 at 11:11 am #

    maybe UC is a secret plant from the USPS to bring down corporate america…..

    nah….she’s just stupid.

  6. slightlyignorant July 7, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

    If Useless Coworker were more intelligent, I’d say she was conspiring against you… maybe she is, actually – maybe it’s all a giant scheme and she’s this really clever undercover kind of person – only her secret missions are always to ruin office-life for their coworkers! Hey, if it’s not there yet, there should be a company with employees who do that…

  7. Nick July 8, 2010 at 9:34 am #

    I’ve been there before. Any time I’m explaining something to somebody and they nod their head, say things like “ah ok” or “I see” I just stop talking and walk away. maybe give them a slap in the back of the head because I know damn well they’re not listening to me. Put the instructions on a post it note and punch it into UC’s god damn head, then it’s a win/win: UC will either remember how to do it, or she’ll never ask you again… win/win

  8. Jeff308M1 July 8, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    Perhaps she is merely very lazy. Most of her behavior as you describe can be explained by a strong desire on her part to avoid work or any other activity requiring effort. It may not even be conscience, but in her very basic nature.

    Make her cry and display no reaction and when she sees it does not get her out of anything, I’ll bet it stops.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: