You Want Me to Do What??!

27 Jul

To review the facts known by all, we have no business.   The firm of Piddly Piddly & Piddliest LLP is steadily going down the crapper.   I have worked very hard not to panic about it anymore.  I no longer breathe into that paper bag that I have in my desk drawer on a daily basis to keep the anxiety attacks at bay.   Why bother caring?   No one else does and it is stripping my soul of all that is good.   However, once in a while I am still taken aback by the pure madness.  

Instead of getting any business…rather even trying, here are a couple Bad Boss requests in the last two weeks:

1 – Research and find him a restaurant along his route in town to meet a guy that will produce no business, but is on one of the committees with Bad Boss that merely lets them all meet and admire each other’s looks and puff out their chests.    Ok, am I driving there?   No.   Do I know what you want for lunch?  No.   But, I have to do it.  I find a couple places of which he shoots them both down.  “No, that place makes my clothes smell…”  “No, that place won’t work.”   THEN, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME???   I end up finding a place that serves his Highness’ needs….finally.

2 – I come in last week and there is a 4 page printout on my desk with a note that reads, “Will you call the City of ** and help me figure out how to get an specialized meter for my house?  Water bills are just killing me and this will help me even if it costs a ton.”   Ok, Bad Boss could give a rat’s ass about water conservation…he only cares about the big bucks he’s paying for his water bill.  He has about 65 children, so apparently he never thought of saving money before impregnating his wife multiple times.   Let me get this straight….you want me to spend my time helping you save money at home?   (when I just spent almost $800 to get a much-needed medical test and follow up).   This brings to mind a very crude statement I use only in special circumstances….

From the files of Living Dilbert, two favorites of unreasonable requests by bosses include…sweet D whose boss made her drive him to his colonoscopy (I would have rather performed it on him…with a weed eater) and the dear girl whose boss made her smell the armpits of his suits to see if they needed drycleaning.   Bosses everywhere?   We are fricking on to you.   WATCH IT.   

Final note – THANK YOU to Main Squeeze and Heart of Gold last night who totally surprised me with a little cake…want to see?   We nearly spent the entire night talking about how wonderful YOU are and telling your stories to each other from your comments.   You truly bring me joy….see, I don’t have a totally black heart!

For more horror stories of Bad Bosses…go to and be sure to read the comments section.   Your mouth will hang open.

23 Responses to “You Want Me to Do What??!”

  1. Brea July 27, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Tomorrow, take a jar of mayonnaise to work. When he’s out, smear a dab on the underside of each of the corners of his desk.

    He will go wild trying to find the source of the rotten egg smell.

    Ok, I’ve never done this, but I know of some kids that did this to a particularly heinous principal in high school. (No, not me, I was a quiet, mousy, little goody-two-shoes back then, if you can believe it!)

    They also placed a prophylactic device on his doorknob, and smeared it with Vaseline; as well as hanging various deceased fowl corpses from a tree just outside his second-story window.

    I don’t know how they did it, but I was highly impressed – and took notes.

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 11:40 am #

      I really, really like all of those, but the mayo idea is golden! He is allegedly out next week…I just found out. I plan on doing some things….thank you for your inspiration!

  2. alchiketi July 27, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    book deal! book deal! book deal!

    Yay!! that is quite a feat LD. Congratulations!!

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 11:41 am #

      As my sweet Mom used to say on occassion…”from your mouth to God’s ears!” We could insert Buddha or Allah or any higher power!

  3. shoutabyss July 27, 2010 at 11:33 am #

    The firm changed their name?!? There must have been a powerful staff meeting. 🙂

    FYI – The paper bag is utterly powerless … unless … it contains a bottle of bourbon! Get on that, stat.

    What is a more accurate water meter going to accomplish? It measures usage and that is how you are charged. You want to pay less? Use less. Geez, you think they’d teach concepts like that in school. What are they teaching bosses these days anyway? Maybe you should simply call the City and have his house rezoned as rural farmland or something.

    The colonoscopy trip would have been acceptable (because it gets you out of the office and away from phones) if you are allowed to wait in the car and also laugh at him when he limps back. Bonus points for finding bumps on the road on the way back. 🙂

    The sniffing of the clothes, however, is beyond the pale! OSHA requires hazmat suits and hazardous duty pay for that kind of task. That ranks (pun intended) right up there with the brutalities I face at my own job. I would have drawn a line in the sand and dared them to fire me. On an unemployment application, “terminated for refusal to smell armpits of suits” is an automatic approval on behalf of the former employee. 99 weeks, baby!

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 11:44 am #

      Dear sweet Shout, you are a wise man. Perhaps you can help me start thinking about ways to get fired and yet still get unemployment? Is that a possiblity?

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 11:45 am #

      Oh, and Shout…I like to change the name of the firm from time to time to reflect my thoughts on them.

  4. Cori July 27, 2010 at 11:35 am #

    Bad Boss is sounding more and more like a King that needs to be dethroned…or maybe beheaded. Hee hee.

    The mood indicator is so fantastic- great picture today!

    20,049 and counting LD! Congratulations to you and all of your loyal fans who get to read this blog and join in the fun.

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 11:43 am #

      Thank you, Heart of Gold. You have been such a huge proponent of everything.

      Do you think the King would notice if I installed a guillotine in office? Just a small one?

      • Heart of Gold July 27, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

        The mayo idea from Brea might be more subtle… 🙂

  5. Mr. Google July 27, 2010 at 11:55 am #

    You are hilarious LivingDilbert and you certainly deserve better.

    My old boss used to bounce checks frequently and once made us all come into work in the middle of a hurricane. And, the building we worked in had no AC and rats. It was a horror story and I’m so glad I can talk about this in the past-tense. Good luck Dilbert, if I were you I would start planning my escape.

  6. Pop July 27, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    MS and HoG are AWESOME! Congrats on 20k hits! 🙂

  7. Pkitass July 27, 2010 at 12:37 pm #

    20k hits 🙂 yay!

  8. Belle July 27, 2010 at 12:41 pm #

    LD, use your intimate knowledge of BB to thoughtfully arrange small surprises for him to find when he returns from vacation. Lots of the little irritants you know that drive him nuts! Just thinking about it makes me want to…..

    Congrats on 20k+!!!

  9. shoutabyss July 27, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    Oops. I missed the cake on the first skim. Ahem. Yeah, so anyway, good job, MS! That totally rocks!

    This is the part where I admit I’m green with envy and already plotting some form of passive-aggressive revenge.

    Too celebrate, I broke out my calculator and engaged in some math. Based on the number of “hits” as reported by WordPress, your blog receives about 2.6 times per day as mine. You’ve blogged for a much shorter period of time than me and broke 20k before me. You are 2.6 times the blogger I am. But then, I already knew that.

  10. unabridgedgirl July 27, 2010 at 4:52 pm #

    LMAO I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t laugh, but you just crack me up. It does sound, however, like you work for such a – – well, a word that I won’t type here. XD What odd requests.

  11. cooper July 27, 2010 at 5:30 pm #

    I saw thw cake and was hoping it was the number of hits you provided to BB 1&2 and UC….

    congrats on the milestone….

    • livingdilbert July 27, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

      Oh, I like the mental picture I’m getting with your idea!

  12. bookjunkie July 27, 2010 at 8:45 pm #

    the worst request i can think of is that i was asked to ‘chaperone’ (like it was my duty) when my boss wanted to go out with an attractive colleague who was not his long suffering wife, admitting that he was attracted to her…at that point i lost it!

  13. jadepaloma July 28, 2010 at 4:02 am #

    Hope that medical check-up went fine! 😉

  14. izziedarling July 28, 2010 at 9:01 am #

    Yay, you! Go for it! Book deal, killing BB, everything!

  15. confessionsofadizzyblonde July 28, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    Congrats =)

  16. Barb July 29, 2010 at 8:44 am #

    One of my personal favourite ways to get even with someone was (only did it once, years ago, and it worked) to take a drop or two of fish fertilizer, or tuna juice, and put it on the back of the villain’s monitor, or where the computer vents all its heat…



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