Signs of Screwdom

12 Aug

Yesterday, one of my secret plans came to a complete halt.  Bad Boss called me on my “work hours.”   Yes, it is the most asinine thing in the world based on several reasons that you all are privy too.   I knew I was screwed when I arrived at work yesterday morning to an email from the previous afternoon at 5:50 pm that said, “Are you still here??!”    Uh oh.  Uh, no…I wasn’t.   Being the passive-aggressive, diaper pooping baby that he is, Bad Boss was just setting out the bait for me.   Houdini, I am not.  First of all, the Man of Many Personalities SAW me leave at 5:20.    I do it all the time! 

Yesterday Morning scenario:  

I arrive at my usual 9:45ish.   Bad Boss comes flying out of his office and races the entire 30 feet to my desk and says, “What shift do you work??!”   Shift?   I didn’t realize we had shifts or a time clock and I’m a salaried manager.

Bad Boss:   “Are you quitting on me or something?”   Oh, God….how I fucking wish.  I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Me:   Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:   “Do you work 9:00 to 5:00 or 10:00 to 6:00 or whenever you feel like it?” 

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “Sputter, sputter, blah, blah, phhhhhhhhtttttttttttt, sputter.”

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “You need to tell me when you are leaving early or going anywhere or doing anything!”   Leaving early??  This from the man that never works 7 hours a day and disappears for days without telling me.

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss then races the 30 feet back into his office and slams the door and stays there for several hours.

Later that day….

Me:  Still sitting with blank expression on my face and silently cursing every tiny cell in Bad Boss’ body and thinking of anything I may have at home that I can sell that’d give me a couple months salary to fully do a job search…of which there is nothing.

Bad Boss:  “These cherry tomatoes someone left in the kitchen sure are good.”     

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no response.   Thinking in my head…”I hope one gets caught in your windpipe and guess who ain’t doing the Heimlich…”   I could write an entire blog post about things I wish he’d choke on….

Lastly, did he need me for anything at 5:50?  No.  Do we have ANY money-producing business?  No.  Is he just a controlling, mean bastard?  Yes.

Next Time – Pay It Backwards

24 Responses to “Signs of Screwdom”

  1. shoutabyss August 12, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    If you’re a salaried manager then you shouldn’t have set hours, right?

    I love the blank stare with no expression approach. That touches a nerve with me. Namely, how often do we respond to our bosses with our true thoughts and feelings? I’m going to take a wild ass guess and say, “never?” That stare is a method of keeping your true thoughts within.

    With me the approach is more often “bullshit.” I simply say things I don’t mean. I used to consider this a form of lying but now I view it as a survival mechanism. Sadly I’ve gotten very good at it.

    The part I really like about your post is how, after the way he treated you, he comes out and makes inane chit chat like you guys are best friends or something. And what does he want to chit chat about? Stealing someone else’s food from the fridge!

    Just another day at Lie, Cheat, and Steal LLC. 🙂

    • livingdilbert August 12, 2010 at 11:56 am #

      You hit the nail on the head…as always! He loves to idle chit chat after being an ass. It only makes me madder. It was all I could do to keep the blank stare, but it was effective as it only made him angrier. Maybe I should order a $400 timeclock.

      • alchiketi August 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

        in an ill-fated retreat that i had to endure, in a “team building” exercise we had to ask my BB, what do you need from your staff and she said…

        (big eyes)..’wow! i’ve never been asked that question before!'(quivering voice and tears pooling in eyes) i would like for you to come to me just to chat and not always with problems. i feel like i don’t have friends in the office.

        YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, eternal knitter (yes she knits in the office while ‘working’ and in meetings) We are not your friends! We have to endure your stench everyday and every new rule you create because you can! thanks chairman Mao!

  2. The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife August 12, 2010 at 11:49 am #

    The blank stare. And that worked, how? Pretty sure my former boss (“involuntary resignation last Friday) would have slapped me. She is mean as a snake! But the good thing about i.r. is I get my vacation plus four weeks of paid time off. But I am thinking staying home is the life for me:) Love Dilbert, love your blogs. Keep up the good work!

  3. perpetuallypeeved August 12, 2010 at 11:50 am #

    Have you heard the “grab two beers and jump” song by Jimmy Fallon? That’s all I could think of when reading that. What a douche.

    • Pop August 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm #

      If you do, call me over. I’ve always wanted to slide down one of those things.

  4. Pkitass August 12, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    We all know that if you didn’t just “stare blankly at him with no expression” you would end up knocking him out like your mood indicator.
    Then there would be to much more to deal with biting your tongue is less work.

  5. IntrigueMe August 12, 2010 at 12:35 pm #

    I think when he asked if you were quitting on him, that was your perfect oppourtunity to respond “not yet, but it’s in the cards”. Or even better “well we don’t do any business around here anyway, big wig”.

    My boss from previous hell-job was the same way. Micro-manager. Small dick (I assume).

    • livingdilbert August 12, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

      Thanks for making me laugh – small dick, indeed. I plan an entire manifesto when I quit and will deliver it to Bad Boss over his thick head.

  6. cooper August 12, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    Ask your boss the following: “Ever seen the movie Willard? Remember Ernest Borgnine…..”

  7. alcotsirk August 12, 2010 at 1:47 pm #

    I used to work with a women who had a curious method of making passive aggressive superiors nervous. Now anyone who she considered one of her peers would know exactly what was going on with her. And you knew she was pissed most of the time she was called in to discuss something.

    Her rather entertaining method was to wear a large mood stone ring on her left hand and let it rest in plain view. She would proceed to smile and and act friendly, while the ring was shifting almost violently between black and red. Despite how dense most of the managers where, all but one of them picked up on that pretty quick, but never said anything about it.

    I couldn’t help but peak around corners as I went about my business and snicker as they shifted uncomfortably in their seats when they talked with her. They left the beating around the bush to others not long after.

  8. writerdood August 12, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    Start checking your email when you get home.
    That’s what I always do.

    You get a question like this and the response is, “I’m at home, but you know I’m always available. What have you got? I can finish it tonight and have it for you in the morning.”

    They almost never respond.
    If you really want to stretch it, configure your mail to go out at 2:30 AM. Now you were up checking your work email at 2:30. Damn you’re a good worker!

    • shoutabyss August 12, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

      Brilliant! 2:30 in the morning! Of course you’re assuming the boss will actually notice. 🙂

      I learn so much visiting this blog! 🙂

  9. shoutabyss August 12, 2010 at 4:03 pm #

    alchiketi, I adored your boss. I can just imagine your boss all sniffly and feeling sorry for herself.


    People you mistreat don’t often want to throw you parties.

  10. Brooke August 12, 2010 at 4:06 pm #


  11. BigBrother August 12, 2010 at 7:17 pm #

    BB: “Are you quitting on me or something?”

    LD: “Why would I want to leave here? Is there something wrong?”, while smiling sweetly.

  12. Brea August 13, 2010 at 4:23 pm #


    I’m thinking BadBoss belongs to AHA? (Ass Hats Anonymous)

  13. Heart of Gold August 13, 2010 at 9:53 pm #

    Staring blankly with no expression is fantastic!! Passive aggressive bullshit really pisses me off- PP was right on, he is a huge douche.

  14. izziedarling August 14, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    Have used blank expression to pieces, love that! Am with Peeved, “grab two beers and jump”. If you need stuff to sell, come over here – I’ve got plenty and am happy to share with you to get you out of that stink hole.

  15. bookjunkie August 14, 2010 at 10:13 pm #

    he sounds like a freakin idiot. the same thing has happened to me too, but I think you got it real bad. He sounds like a total bully. I hate it when people manage by the hours they see you sitting in the office rather than the actual work done…it’s just dumb.

  16. bookjunkie August 14, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    I love the blank staring….I’ve done that too…heheheh

  17. redriverpak August 15, 2010 at 6:25 pm #

    He really need to go the Postal Flight Attendant route and just go bezerko on the boss, grab a few beers, and jump down the slide…. 🙂

  18. chefyourself August 16, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    Bosses, can’t live with them, too much hassle to kill them.

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