Archive | May, 2015

Living Dilbert Pontificates Whilst on (Legit) Narcotics

29 May

mindFine, 4 months out of my 2nd neck surgery, which hurt like a B-I-T-C-H for several weeks and now mystery symptoms combined with my fucking neck about to fall off, I’m still on my pain meds with the full blessing of my surgeon. Sometimes I just think stuff and it sticks (which is quite rare on meds). Here goes – no offense meant (usually):

* Why is it that when you mention the word “long term disability” or LTD to people, especially doctors, their face quickly looks as if it has smelled a putrid fart done by me. I’m asking valid questions and I’m a potentially valid case with 17 fused discs. I didn’t break my Goddamn toe – have some compassion. It’s not like I chose this.

* After having 13 discs fused in my back, I’ve had to learn a new way to wipe my ass and I don’t appreciate it one bit.

* I have a lot of time to think up ways to mentally torture people who have mentally tortured me at work. I have your names and I have plans, people. I get giddy when I think about it. Yes, this is a teaser. Let’s just say that at my last job, there was a woman thing that tried as I might to be patient and compassionate, she was still the complete “c” word. Through and through. She was the bane of my existence and I need to be hypnotized in an effort to erase her from my mind. I’m still working on just the right name for her. “Perpetual Gaping Pain in My Ass” – “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde from the Depths of Hell” – “Fuckface” – I just can’t decide. Open to all suggestions.

* I continue to like animals far more than most humans. I talk to my cats and they like it. I like it. Solved.

* People say I’m more “chatty” when on said pain drugs. Really, people? I was isolated and not allowed to drive for 5 solid months. I’ve hardly seen a GD soul. I’m happy to speak to humans. Let’s see you try it you bunch of judges. See point listed above. Suck my ass.

* I love cussing more than ever. It makes me laugh. It is an art form when used properly.

* I love Jane Fonda. Do NOT use the words “Hanoi Jane” in my presence or something very bad will mostly likely happen to your face. I’m sorry she did hurt people with her actions during the Vietnam War, but it was 40 years ago. She was a kid. Her good since that time has far outweighed the bad. Find something else to hate that is viable and DO something about it. Let this one go.

* Shockingly, I really do like to practice random acts of kindness whether towards humans (usually strangers), towards animals (even ants) or towards Mother Earth. No, I do not wear Birkenstock’s. Don’t go there.

* I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m dejected. I’m lonely sometimes, but yet like being alone. I’m hopeful. I’m furiously trying to control a situation in which I have NO control. I’m human. Who knew?

Go fucking hug someone you love or something. You know, for the good of the world.

Love,

LD

Living Dilbert Returns to the Fold

22 May

Hello – its been a while.  Isn’t that a line from a song?  Who can guess it?

If you were to read my last two posts and know Living Dilbert, you know why I’ve been so absent.  I tragically lost Best friend three years ago this week to suicide.  You know those battering rams the police use to bust open a door to a drug house or any other thing they feel like?   Best Friend’s very unexpected suicide felt like I took one of those battering rams to the gut and the heart all at the same time.  It knocked me on my ass for a long time.  Plus, the guilt after a suicide can really get to you – “Could I have stopped it?”  “What did I miss?”  “Did I fail her?!”   She actually knew me SO well that she left a note asking me to please not blame myself and there was nothing anyone could have done  She had a terrible childhood in every way…and i mean horrific, yet she overcame it and became an amazing human being that helped the world and helped ME become the person I am today.   Yet, her demons got her.  I am now able to say I am at least thankful she is no longer suffering.  She hid it well.  I loved her beyond belief and my life is forever altered without her, plus she was Living Dilbert’s biggest fan.   My Kick-Ass Coworker (new character! – please see Cast of Characters) told me what a better way to honor Best Friend this week, then to restart the blog. It would have made her happy and with Kick-Ass Coworker’s kind words, it was the final spark I needed to get restarted.  Ok, enough seriousness for now.

I’ve had a very good job the last nearly 5 years and I was happy for most of it and its hard to find snarky material when everyone is so damn nice.. Well, like most things…give it long enough and it’ll come to you.  If I can be snarky and funny and make YOU laugh, then its a fricking win-win!  I’ll fill you in on the gaps from the past 4 years, but we have all the ime in the world for that and I certainly don’t want you dozing off in my first post in ages.

How about “10 Jabs I Wish I Could Make in a Resignation Letter to a Bad Boss”

1)  Consider acknowledging your assistant at least once a day, week, month with a glance, a response, a grunt, a pulse, SOMETHING.

2)  Say thank you at least once a year.

3)  The only times you do actually speak, try not to be so dickish in your comments.

4)  When I stupidly still get you a holiday present every year and especially when I arranged one even out while I had another spinal surgery..fucking acknowledge you GOT it, asswipe. I was still dumb enough (it had to be the feel good drugs) to humiliate myself further by following up to be sure you got it in and email you in which I got no response (plus, I tracked it)….say “thank you”.   Once, shame on you, twice shame on me!

5)  Don’t ask (force) me to volunteer at your gun club/safari club event, where you talk about killing animals alll over the world and it’s sickening and then you didn’t even pay me like you promised!!!

6)  Just because you are a judgmental workaholic,doesn’t mean I am.  I don’t want to be there 12 hours and when I’m not, you treat me like shit, give me the silent treatment and if I am there, you wouldn’t have asked me to do anything anyway except for sit there!

7) Don’t make me sit at my desk “in case” you get a call for 9 hours straight and threaten me that I better not miss it and than act put out when I finally ask to take a piss!!!

8) If I’m in the hospital 3 times with life-threatening spinal surgery…send me flowers, a note, an email, anything!!!  I’ve been your servant for 5 years!!!!   Didn’t your mama teach you better?

9)  When I get back to work after months of doing little stuff like learning to walk again and shower and dress myself and I’m a pale, weak former version of my kick-ass self at first….uh, don’t ignore me for a month with your passive aggressive bullshit!   Maybe next year, I’ll just send you a pacifier and set of diapers, you big ass baby.

10)  Finally, when my best friend of 20 years (who helped with your stupid gun event, of which you never paid her either), later commits suicide, DO NOT have the very poor taste of calling me at home to say, “I’m so terribly sorry, etc.” No…you say, “What the hell happened?  She was so pretty.  Why’d she do it?”  the first day after and I’m nothing but a puddle of grief.  Here’s a tip, dear readers…NEVER, EVER ask someone WHY someone committed suicide.  It’s offensive.   If we want to tell you our theories later, we will.  Plus, DO not tell me it’s selfish because I will go off on your ass until you literally have nothing left but a butt hole.

what-should-they-have-taught-us-in-school-1502531374-sep-28-2012-1-600x400

Old school male lawyers are usually assholes. Plain and simple.  They don’t think of anyone or anything but themselves. NOT all of the, but I’d say about 95%.   They are giant babies that you secretly know make millions. It’s a tough balance to handle sometimes.   It’s surprising I never punched him in the face.   I certainly pictured it in my mind several times.    I highly recommend it as a coping mechanism.

Not my best work, but give me time…I’m a bit rusty.   I truly have missed you all and I’ve been drafting a LOT of posts that we’ll have fun with..in the meantime, I thought you deserve a little update above.

Talk to you soon!    I am NO longer at a law firm, but have hundreds of stories, observations and other things to humourously bitch about.   Was considering changing the name of the blog (if I can figure out how..) to “Living Dilbert (Redefined).  What do you think?   I have a LOT to say.

Later – LD