Living Dilbert Pontificates Whilst on (Legit) Narcotics

29 May

mindFine, 4 months out of my 2nd neck surgery, which hurt like a B-I-T-C-H for several weeks and now mystery symptoms combined with my fucking neck about to fall off, I’m still on my pain meds with the full blessing of my surgeon. Sometimes I just think stuff and it sticks (which is quite rare on meds). Here goes – no offense meant (usually):

* Why is it that when you mention the word “long term disability” or LTD to people, especially doctors, their face quickly looks as if it has smelled a putrid fart done by me. I’m asking valid questions and I’m a potentially valid case with 17 fused discs. I didn’t break my Goddamn toe – have some compassion. It’s not like I chose this.

* After having 13 discs fused in my back, I’ve had to learn a new way to wipe my ass and I don’t appreciate it one bit.

* I have a lot of time to think up ways to mentally torture people who have mentally tortured me at work. I have your names and I have plans, people. I get giddy when I think about it. Yes, this is a teaser. Let’s just say that at my last job, there was a woman thing that tried as I might to be patient and compassionate, she was still the complete “c” word. Through and through. She was the bane of my existence and I need to be hypnotized in an effort to erase her from my mind. I’m still working on just the right name for her. “Perpetual Gaping Pain in My Ass” – “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde from the Depths of Hell” – “Fuckface” – I just can’t decide. Open to all suggestions.

* I continue to like animals far more than most humans. I talk to my cats and they like it. I like it. Solved.

* People say I’m more “chatty” when on said pain drugs. Really, people? I was isolated and not allowed to drive for 5 solid months. I’ve hardly seen a GD soul. I’m happy to speak to humans. Let’s see you try it you bunch of judges. See point listed above. Suck my ass.

* I love cussing more than ever. It makes me laugh. It is an art form when used properly.

* I love Jane Fonda. Do NOT use the words “Hanoi Jane” in my presence or something very bad will mostly likely happen to your face. I’m sorry she did hurt people with her actions during the Vietnam War, but it was 40 years ago. She was a kid. Her good since that time has far outweighed the bad. Find something else to hate that is viable and DO something about it. Let this one go.

* Shockingly, I really do like to practice random acts of kindness whether towards humans (usually strangers), towards animals (even ants) or towards Mother Earth. No, I do not wear Birkenstock’s. Don’t go there.

* I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m dejected. I’m lonely sometimes, but yet like being alone. I’m hopeful. I’m furiously trying to control a situation in which I have NO control. I’m human. Who knew?

Go fucking hug someone you love or something. You know, for the good of the world.

Love,

LD

11 Responses to “Living Dilbert Pontificates Whilst on (Legit) Narcotics”

  1. Jen May 31, 2015 at 2:47 am #

    *Doctors seem to go blank whenever faced with something they can’t fix, surgically, medically, or psychiatrically. Which just proves they’re not gods, which pisses them off. You have just snatched godhood off their mantel. Whoops.

    *Twatwaffle. Just kind of has a syncopated sound I like, and have used in regards to my local “Office C”. Feel free to use it a few times, bike it around the block, see if it works for you.

    * You were in isolation, and weren’t especially chatty…couldn’t you have flipped open a window and yelled at passersby? What the hell’s wrong with you? Oh, OH, “medical excuses”, hunh? Pffft. In pain, were you? Told to take care of yourself? Ha. Good one.

    * I’ve missed your voice out here in the darkness, LD. Glad you had a chance to check in… stoned like a squirrel on Nyquil or not. Take care of you- fuck the haters & the twatwaffles.

    • livingdilbert May 31, 2015 at 9:01 am #

      Oh dear GOD, you are a God yourself.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, my friend. Twatwaffle already feels quite comfy. You get full distribution rights.

      You made myself AND Main Squeeze laugh out loud, and may I say heartily. You’ve made my day. Boy, do you still have the gift.

      You’ve helped me be glad to be back. It’s been a rough journey, but comments like yours make the journey worthwhile. I’m sticking aroud. If I can make YOU smile, then it’s totally worth it.

    • livingdilbert June 1, 2015 at 10:41 pm #

      Brea, today the surgeon shrugged when I asked why she thing the neck pain and tingling/numbness in left arm has returned. Shrugs do not reassure me. I have yet another epidural neck injection on 6/11. At least I’ll get my favorite “twilight” drug and cookies afterwards….should make for a good post later. BTW, you win – twatwaffle it is! You, my friend, really helped me with your fantastic reply – all of it. I bow to you.

      • Jen June 1, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

        No! Don’t bow! I’ll have to make Luke Dorothy & get my oil can out to… oh no, that’s right, you’ve got chemical assistance to get “lubricated”.

        LD, I’m sorry you have to go through this crap. And to have the supposed expert shrug at you… that’s not good enough. She needs to either give you a straight answer, or find you someone who CAN, & then THEY need to give you options, suggestions, solutions.

        Your next injection will be on my 4th birthday – I’ll be saluting you with a fine cocktail, and hoping you get some resolution from the surgeon!

      • livingdilbert June 1, 2015 at 10:49 pm #

        Brea, LD has loved you long time.

  2. tarafink May 31, 2015 at 5:23 pm #

    So happy to see you in my inbox again! YAY!!! Thanks for the laugh.

  3. JM Stories May 31, 2015 at 5:56 pm #

    Virtual hug coming atcha. I like you, and we’ve never even met.

    • livingdilbert June 1, 2015 at 10:18 pm #

      Thank you, JM. I’m honored. I appreciate any and all hugs. I like you too!

  4. izziedarling June 2, 2015 at 8:50 pm #

    Damn, twatwaffle – wish I’d thought off that. You are 17x beyond brilliant. Write me when you feel “less than” and I’ll remind you of your awesomeness. Iz
    p.s. doctors suck; only good for writing scrips

    • livingdilbert June 2, 2015 at 10:37 pm #

      IZZIE!! I have missed you so much! I tracked your blog and then tried the tweet – anyway, here’s my love of you showing for all!!! I’m not sure you still have my right personal email, so will get that to you. I must hear how YOU are. Yes, its been a bit of an odd journey – the 2 events 3 years ago really knocked the air out of me for a bit and with 2 neck surgeries since Nov., I proudly look like I got in one hell of a knife fight!!!

      Please do know I have thought of you often and you KNOW you mean a lot to me. Lost my way for a bit, but I’m back among the living! I hope to make you laugh many more times!

      💞💓💟, LD

  5. cooper June 2, 2015 at 9:01 pm #

    I have missed your humor. And i heartily remember the big “c” at your pervious gig.
    Swear away – it’s fucking awesome.

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