Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

11 Responses to “Living Dilbert Owns Herself”

  1. YayMoreGray June 3, 2015 at 1:22 pm #

    LD, not that it will make you feel any better but engineers…on the design OR construction side are the same!!!! There is always a Twatwaffle or Tallywacker who does NOTHING but say NO…they’re so busy I don’t know how they can even talk long enough to say one syllable, who are the golden children. But yet the hard workers are the ones who are pushed beyond their limits, told they’re the problem and then told to shut up, get over it and get cracking on the 5 trillion tasks they were assigned yesterday that they are taking way too much time to do. Oh sounds like I’m hijacking. HA! 🙂

    I did the obvious and googled bad nicknames for pigs and found “Oinking Menance” or Pigoon for your consideration.

    SOOOO glad you’re back! Rage on girl!

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2015 at 1:56 pm #

      I love you, Yay. Best new blog acquaintance. Really. Swear to God, I just shouted Tallywacker at some ass on my way to physical therapy. Thank you! (Plus, it tends to sound far more polite than “Cocksucker!”).

      • YayMoreGray June 3, 2015 at 2:07 pm #

        I am picturing that and glad I wasn’t drinking. 🙂 can’t take credit though. Apparently Texas has opened a male version of Hooter’s and the owner’s grandfather used to say stop playing with your tallywhacker. Really! And it goes nicely with Twatwaffle. 🙂 And I was rather proud of myself that I blogged twice Monday and only drooled all over and about you once. 😛 Maybe we’ll both get more followers as this relationship develops… You know the whole 2 women thing… but it is woman crush Wednesday lmao! 😍😛

  2. Liberty Belle June 3, 2015 at 4:14 pm #

    Oh, LD, don’t forget to sign those two up for some serious job search help emails. It’s great – and you know the powers that be can see what comes in. 😉 As for the new normal for support and coverage in the office – it’s so f**king sucks!

    If you get tired of Tallywacker, you can always make use of Wanker.

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2015 at 6:40 pm #

      Thanks, my sweet Liberty! I love Wanker! I so appreciate your support and I know YOU know law firm life. Its like no other at times.

  3. G June 3, 2015 at 10:47 pm #

    Ugh. Office politics. Don’t even get me started! I used to work at a publishing firm that had an abundance of Twatwaffles and Pygmys. I left and did freelance writing instead. I’m happier and less angry now that I don’t have to deal with all their toxic scum.

    But do have consideration, LD. Maybe the reason as to why Twatwaffle can’t get off her ass and work is because her shadow probably still weighs 40 lbs and why Pygmy is a douche might be because he’s compensating for something (read: small-tallywacker syndrome) 😀

    • livingdilbert June 3, 2015 at 10:54 pm #

      Love me some G. Ugh! I can’t bear to picture his tallywacker! I bet TW does still carry around a lot of extra weight. I also bet she hates herself and is damn sure everyone else hates her too. Mission accomplished.

  4. Cori June 6, 2015 at 3:39 am #

    I am so glad you are back and on a roll! I vote for naming your short, sweaty guy either Swort Pig or Shweaty Pig.

  5. YayMoreGray June 6, 2015 at 10:36 am #

    Yes! Shweaty Pig! LMAO!

  6. cooper June 9, 2015 at 7:12 pm #

    OozingPigSlime has a nice ring to it….

  7. G. R. Hambley June 12, 2015 at 12:14 pm #

    giggggggggles … I can’t even say “HR” without laughing, homo redundant.

    Owning it is good and I do. Most are clever enough to STFU when I appear with my angel.

    Most people aren’t fond of my angel at all.

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