What Was That?!

Ok, I have not been a good blogger the last couple weeks.  I’m in total limbo…waiting, watching, hoping for the new job.  Good news is that they called me and want me to come back a third time to have lunch with the two main partners.  I hope it is a good sign and I’m starting to envision my plan.  

In the meantime, to keep from completely snapping….I try to mind my own business at my desk.  “Just lay low,” I whisper to myself.    This was my total mindset today until IT happened.   IT, you ask?    Yes…believe it or not, whilst in hell already, I was just subjected to hearing a roaring, loud, drawn-out, disgusting fart from Bad Boss #3’s office.   Did I hear that right???  Could this really be happening??   Do I matter that little?  

It took everything I had in me to NOT shout, “That’s the last god damn thing I needed to hear around here – although it is quite a fitting commentary on our business model and your law practice.”   I didn’t though…I need this job til next week.

I hope this horridness never happens to you.  If so, be strong my friends.   Not everyone could do this job.  Remember, it’s nearly the weekend.  I pray I can forget that repulsive sound by tomorrow….

Signs of Anarchy

Best Friend loves “Sons of Anarchy” and it got me thinking this morning. I’m dangerously starting to show Signs of Anarchy.   How so?

More and more….I just don’t care.   YES, I would love the new job at that place and am praying, literally praying and Main Squeeze did a vision board that I get the job.   The decision date by said firm is 9/20.   Isn’t it dangerous to start acting so wildly like I don’t care about this butt crust of a place anymore?  I’ve had to stifle my pat response now a couple of times…the words dance around my tongue and come dangerously close to escaping my lips more and more.   It may happen…Rough N Tough has been pushing my buttons.   She is rude, crude and just itching for a bar brawl.   Next time she approaches me with a request or a negative comment, I so want to say, “You know what RnT?   I really don’t give a shit anymore.  Why don’t you go eff yourself?”  God, that made me feel so good just to write it!   For some reason she has stopped talking to me, a blessing in itself, but it also makes me wonder, “What the fu** did I do?”   Want to know the only person in this office lately that has even noted my mere existence?   Useless Coworker!  Folks, I have to change my allegiance regarding UC…she’s listened, been learning new things and actually seems to care about me. When Main Squeeze’s aunt passed away, she was the only one that asked me how we were…who EVER asks me how I am.  Hell, she hasn’t even been useless in about 6 weeks.  I have to give the girl credit.   Rough N Tough is now tops on my “you suck” list.  

Other signs of trouble?   I don’t even care what I wear to work anymore.  I used to like dressing all fancy and lawyerish…but, now as long as my body is covered with some form of fabric, I could give a crap.   Maybe I’ll wear the same pants all week and just change my shirt.  If it’s clean…it works.   Am I turning into a straight guy?

Bad Bosses ask me to do things and I blatantly lie through my teeth.  “Oh, that pocket part update?   You haven’t gotten it yet?!  Really?!   Well, I ordered it!”   Folks, I didn’t order any damn publications!  I don’t care!!!  I guess I’ll have to order it today, but should have 6 weeks ago.   I’ve been having far more fun readjusting Rough N Tough’s printer each day after she leaves.  Did any of you see “Serial Mom”?  That is who I am becoming.  On my way to work, all I could think is..what can I do today to torture another person in my office?   My karma is taking a beating!   Oh well, I’ll work on karma in my next job.  Being a decent human being only hurts me here.

Look’s Like We Made It…

We fricking made it to Friday!!!  Plus, it’s a 3-dayer !   Hot damn!   How has your week been?  

Today I’m trying not to be an angry, hateful troll.  Why would I ever be angry?   BECAUSE, once again, I find myself the only staff person in the office.   Why are we even open?   All I’m going to do today is stare off into space.  Only Bad Boss #2 is here and he’s already watching videos on his computer.  I can hear the laugh track from here!   Since I’ve been awful about blogging this week…let’s just catch you up on some highlights:

1 – I had two interviews at the same law firm and I’m praying like mad that I can get this job.  I’m afraid to even mention it in case I jinx it.  It would be an amazing opportunity with lawyers that actually care about their practice and the firm and the employees.  Trust me, I spent about 4 hours there….I could tell they cared.   It was like being a small child at Walt Disney World.  I had to stifle my screams of excitement.   During the last part of meeting the attorneys, I strongly considered offering a bribe for the position…but, realized I have nothing of financial value to offer.  They’ll just have to settle for me and I leave it up to the universe (and maybe several bouts of praying and chanting this weekend).  

2 – Had my annual gyno and it was a doozy.  Nothing like being embarrassed to death in the first place.  My lady gyno brought in a guest doctor too – hell, the more the merrier!   I was still trying not to die on the table when she said, “We have to do a uterine biopsy right now.”  WHAT?  I’ve had two of those people and I’ve always, always had either pain meds or a valium first!   Oh no!!!   Well, I hope they didn’t mind that I screamed “sh**” and “fu**” during the procedure….and I did apologize, but it was better than punching them in the face, right?   Hopefully, all will be fine…they just want to prove I’m 45 from the inside I guess.   In three weeks I have the joy of another appointment…with a new instrument of torture…ultrasound from the inside!  I’ve had the before too….I told them, “Gee, it’s a $600 embarrassing, violating test and I don’t even get dinner and a movie first!”  

Can you tell I’ve just decided to tell you all pretty much everything?  Why not, we are all friends here!   Plus, I have to try to make rough moments funny.  I hope it is working.

Ok, back to staring into space.    Do we have any business this week?  No.  Did we get any payments this week?  No. 

What are your plans this weekend?

Things I’m Whole-Heartedly Sick Of

These are not only in general, but amazingly all pertain to Bad Boss as well! (what a surprise, huh?)  I’m sick to death of:

1 – Egos (never a good thing, always in the way, and greatly exaggerated greatness)

2 – Speaker phone conversations (shut the hell up or shut your door!)

3 – Hypocritical behavior  (tell me not to do something, then do it yourself – impressive)

4 – Fake, sucking up attitudes (does this really work for people, long-term?)

5 – People who strive to make things much harder than they ever need to be (refer back to the control issue)

6 – Total and complete lack of respect for me as a living, breathing human being  (put your trash in the can, your used toner cartridge away…not in bits on my desk…what am I your nanny or could you just not figure out how to get it back in the box because you are a total numb nuts?)

7 – Killing our environment (yet you have 3 kids – lead by example, you slob)

8 – Wasting time by repeating the same mistakes again and again and again (I have a list of these as well for your reference)

9 – A constant need for control (why don’t you control your temper, your bad attitude and a host of other things I’m happy to suggest while nicely attached to my foot up your ass?)

10 – Bad Bosses!!!!

Bad Bosses, life is too short.  We are here a mere instant in time.  Why do you have to make it so unpleasant each and every day when we are here to work for you?   People like you make me think that we will never evolve.

Honest Company Taglines

I should clarify…”Real Life Taglines for an Extremely Dysfunctional Law Firm” – new mottos for Shoulda Tried & Harder a/k/a Has Been, Has Been & Never Was:

We are just here for the coffee and free sodas!

Our firm really doesn’t want your business.

Our law firm is only for pretend purposes to fool our wives.

Book our firm, we won’t bill you and therefore it’s free!

We’d much rather talk about you, than for you!

We are better than you and you are stupid.

If reading internet news is your thing, we are your intown experts!

Sure, we seem nice, but in real life we are vampires!

If your company needs a professional ass-kisser, we’re your firm!

At our fine firm, we all went to Ivy League schools even though we can’t figure out how to fill a stapler!

If you need a firm that won’t even try and that will miss your deadlines, pick us!

Shoulda Tried & Harder, LLP, where losing money is our well-earned specialty.

Global? No.  Resourceful? No. Dependable? No.

Hey, if there is any honestly in advertising, they’d all be perfect.

  

A Good Week?

Hell, I never thought I’d title a post like this – ever….not while working for Bad Boss anyway.   Miracles are among us, people.   Bad Boss has only called me ONCE this week and it is Wednesday.  No one has cried or screamed my name to have me fix their computer either.  I’m being LEFT ALONE and I’m soaking it up like a very happy sponge that has not seen any water in an eon.

Highlights so far this week?

– I’ve been out to lunch everyday with amazing folks.  Today I had a Malaysian Sloppy Joe…GOD, was it good too.  Guess what it was paired with ?   No, not beer…but, I was tempted.   Tater tots!   I LOVE tater tots!   So much for if you ever thought I was fancy. 

– By turning in Coke Reward points from the Cokes that Bad Boss insists we have for the office, I bought myself a little download computer game from Gamehouse.   Silly, but it’s called Rainforest Adventure and it has kept me busy for hours like a hamster in a wheel.

– I just bought myself a little treat – delicious fruit smoothie from downstairs.  Don’t get me wrong, the brownies still called to me, but I was happy having a somewhat healthy thing !   God, I must actually be happy.

These are all odd things for Living Dilbert to experience at work and I can only assume we’ll go out of business soon.  It is not right for me to work these short days and play games all day….is it?  

The Living Dilbert we’ve grown to love is still here…don’t you worry, but she is appreciating a break this week.   My break if fueling my creative spirit.   Sorry, back to my game….I’ve got to beat it!    I hope you, my very appreciated co-workers, are getting a break this week too.  Are you?

Next Time – Business Getting Company Taglines

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.

 

More Classic Signs of Work Burnout

We all have them…unless you are one of the lucky few that adores your job.  If so, you probably aren’t reading this blog.  

1 – The words “redrum, redrum, redrum” echo through your head several times a day.

2 – The mere thought of climbing out of bed to head to work is so nauseatingly unappealing that you lie there an extra 30 minutes to try to come up with ways to skip work altogether.

3 – When anyone tells you anything in the office….you have to bite your lip to keep from saying, “You know what?  I really don’t give a fu**”  and that is pretty much how you feel about everything.

4 – You envision punching your Useless Coworker in the face at least once (or a 100) a day.

5 – When arriving in the mornings, you really want to say, “Holy sh**!  We are still open?  I’ll be damned!”

6 – You giggle with the thought of cramming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the tape slot where you’ve been making sure the server backs up each day because no one else can remember to do it.   I take that back, that’d be a waste of a damn good sandwich.

7 – You want to ask all your Bad Bosses and Useless Coworker, “Are you this stupid at home too?!”

8 – To pass the time, you start signing up for every piece of junk mail known to man to be sent to Bad Boss/Useless Coworkers’ houses.

9 – You want to say to Bad Boss, “Remember when you opened this firm and you actually believed you were going to be successful?  (laugh uproariously and wipe away tears for effect)  Gosh, those were the days, huh, you silly bastard?”  and then slap him as hard as you possibly can on the back and go sit at your desk.

10 – You giggle uncontrollably to yourself with the thought of any one of 1-9 listed above.

Yep, I’ve got it bad.

Tomorrow – My Life as a Garbage Collector

Living Dilbert Dispels Positive Quotes

Sometimes, I hear positive quotes in my head and then my Living Dilbert side immediately thinks of a retort.

“It is always darkest before the dawn.” – Honey, the sun here never rises and we are in perpetual darkness.

“No good deed goes unpunished.”  I actually agree with this one.

“The grass is always greener…” – Yeah, ok…whatever helps you sleep at night.

“All good things come to those who wait.” – Bull.  I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting.   It should be, “All good things come to those who kiss-ass and back stab.”

“Keep your chin up.   I’ve got something you can keep up!   How about my entire shoe collection up your ass?

“Just go outside and look at the sun, it’ll make you feel better.”   How about you go outside and look at the sun…directly….for two minutes and then feel your way back and tell me how you feel.

Ok, these are just a few to get things started.  

Tomorrow – I’m SO Bored That….

I Think Bad Boss is in the Running for “Single White Female II”

Guess who?

Yes, I know Bad Boss is allegedly male, but he should be cast as the crazy-ass if the movie ever has a sequel.   I’ve been keeping an eye on him and I’ve had yet another sicking realization about the type of person he is.   He’s a damn copycat of Bad Boss #2.   It is bordering scaryville.  Examples, you say?

 – Bad Boss has started going to the same opthamologist as BB #2. (and BB is NOT on the same health plan..remember, BB is covered under his wife’s policy).

– Bad Boss has started going to the same primary care physician as BB #2 (ugh..just count on me doing double the research for their stupid doctors..once for Bad Boss #2 and the same when Bad Boss wants to copy him).  I am still surprised when I have to explain to both of their dumb asses how to get to above doctor when his office is next to a MAJOR hospital in the area.  Even a brainless slug could inch his way over there without directions.

– Bad Boss now takes his black BMW to the same car mechanic place as BB #2 takes his black BMW.  Oh, they love to discuss their BMWs and the care and concern they receive at said mechanic…who they always make me call. 

– Bad Boss takes his car to the same place to be “detailed” as BB#2 and guess who gets to call and make their appointments?  You got it!   Oh, it sure makes me feel great to get to help them have their cars detailed.  I feel so accomplished and thrilled with my college degree. I wish I could call the detail shop on the side and beg one of them to piss inside both their cars.  I’d pay them handsomely.

Get the point?   Apparently, Bad Boss wants to be Bad Boss #2 (and BB is about 30 years younger).  BB already can’t run the office, can’t generate business, can’t hold his temper, can’t have a decent, sincere conversation and now….he can’t even find his own doctors or anything else that requires individual thought.  He has to do what his idol does.  Oh my God, we are completely doomed (which we already knew…).  BB’s idol sits in his office all day and watches youtube videos and reads his conservative right-wing blather and then they yuck it up about all of the above for hours.  Sad thing is that since I DON’T HAVE AN OFFICE…I have to steel my nerves to listen to them both talk about their doctors and every damn thing about their health now.   Time to buy some ear plugs.   I just try to nod and smile a lot.   Am I hateful?  You bet your ass.

Tomorrow – Typical Work Day of Living Dilbert