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New Year, New Life

10 Feb

I’m back.  Is anyone there?   Allow me to re-introduce myself….I am the new and improved Living Dilbert.   It’s been a rough few years, blah, blah…I know we all experience them.   Let’s just say I went from near emotional death, to near physical death, to disability and HELL, I fought my ass back into the world of the living.   If I am anything, it is determined.

Try to stop me.

I’m back at my amazing law firm where I began my career when I was a tiny, Living Dilbert baby.   Didn’t know anything, but I faked it and learned as I went.  Although I’m snarky, I do think I was put back here (thank GOD) for a reason.  The reason has yet to be determined, but I’m honestly coming back to life.   I’m walking, talking, cursing, snarking and working hard doing the job I love.   Will I still have plenty of corporate America, law firm stories and observations?   Honey, there is NO end to them!   I work with great people, but I’ve saved a lot of material in the last few years.

I’ll eventually change my cast of characters a bit….let’s just say there’s been some changes.  We’ll get to that.  I promise.   It seemed best to stop in and say hello and get comfy in my new digs again….with myself and I’m doing that.  You know what saying helped me so much when I was curled into the fetal position seeing no way out of my huge mess?   “Fall down seven times, stand up eight (mother fucker)!”

Trust me, a troubled soul makes for some damn good writing.  God, I’ve missed this.  Please stick with me….you won’t regret it.

Next:  Top 10 Things I Learned from Daytime TV

 

 

Take a Vacation From Life!!!

3 Aug

We all deserve a vacation, even the ever stoic Living Dilbert!   All of us, people!  If you are working full-time, part-time, not working, seeking work, an incredible housewife, a mom, a dad, disabled, in college, etc. – please give yourself a fucking break!  It’s ok!  Let go of all the “I should be”, “I shouldn’t be”, “I can’t afford it” bullshit clutter in your mind and do it!  It doesn’t have to be far away or expensive.  Find your place that brings you peace.  

Living Dilbert wouldn’t be Living Dilbert without a work story, so here is one of a million.  Kick-Ass coworker texts me to say Collassul C a/k/a Twatwaffle is in rare form today, meaning as a team member in our group she’s found even more ways to be a worthless sack of shit when it comes to helping with the workload of the team.   I created an entire email scenario that I sent to Kick- Ass to cheer her…but, I kind of enjoyed it.  

I basically know Sack’s arrival time and where she parks in work garage.  I drive to work and do some recon.  I lay low, far enough away so she doesn’t see me or car.  I learn her exact car and routine.  She arrives between 9:30 and 9:45 every day.  Her car and arrival times become ingrained in my memory and I proceed home to perfect my plan, which will take a few days.

I will return a week later (big garage and busy) in a rental car wearing a very believable disguise.  Hair shape and color will be altered, I will have a prosthetic nose and will have learned techniques to look 20 years older and I will lay in wait. She’ll arrive late (as always) and I’ll give it 11 minutes while she races upstairs to log in.  I’ll work fast to be certain she didn’t forget anything in her car, first checking for her security badge.  I know she’s desperate to log in because she fears she’ll be discovered as the Sack she is.  

I’ll get out of my rental car (in which I’ve removed the plate prior to arrival) and calmly walk to her car after glancing to make sure no one around.  I’ll pull out my long knife and quietly insert it once, like butter, into each tire until all four are done.  I’ll go back to car and calmly leave the scene.  Yes, dear readers, of course I’ll wear gloves!

She’ll come out promptly at 6:00, after feigning work all day as she has done for 13 years and knows it and proceed to shit in her pants.  I’ll crawl into bed that night and between uncontrollable giggles, fall into the best slumber in years and have beautiful dreams.   I’ll have to tell K-A after deed is done….wait….I won’t because I want her to have no knowledge.  If she mentions it during one of our delightful lunches, I’ll simply reply, “Karma, baby!”  and smile on the inside.  Don’t think me awful readers…the above scenario is a coping mechanism.  I looked for the slightest glimmer of good in Sack for 5 years…I swallowed many an urge to knock her flat.  Never saw a hint of good.  
  
Back to the first part of this blog.  Please plan a vacation of some sort.  Remember to see the beauty in the world, wherever that is….for you.  

I appreciate you – LD

220 Days

28 Dec

It has been 220 days. Hard to believe.

Let’s pick up where I left off before my life changed horribly. I had lost my weight and was getting ready to have a huge spinal scoliosis surgery. Where’d I go before that? What happened?!

One of a kind.

One of a kind.

220 days ago on May 23, 2012, I got a call that nearly killed me and my soul. Remember Best Friend? The Best Friend that I wrote about early on who shaped who I am today and that I loved unconditionally every day for 20 years? Who I talked to every day for 20 years? Who, together, we handled relationships, marriages, disasters, loves, life, some Bad Damn Bosses and a million billion memories in between? Best Friend committed suicide on May 23, 2012.

It was 5 weeks before my surgery. I can’t even begin to describe my shock and despair. I’m amazed I’m still here and breathing. I will write more about this later, but know I have survived the worst thing I ever could have imagined and I’ve had some damn doozies in this life. I lost my Best Friend. A lot had to be done to pick up the pieces of her life – her dogs, her home, all our memories. It was a task I would not wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). But, I wake up every day and I’m still here. Does that make sense?

Living Dilbert is still here. She nearly died from this loss, but damn if she is not still here.

Lisbeth, this one is for you. I hope you are in a better place, free of anguish. Know that I love you, I miss you and I hope to see you again one day. You were an amazing, kind, giving human being that I wish loved herself as much as those of us around you. The world is not quite as bright now, but I will find a way.

I am going to celebrate the incredible person you were…and therefore, who I am.

Someone has to carry on your priceless sarcasm, right?

Link

The Whatever Factor

27 Feb

The Whatever Factor

Hi!  Are you having a good week so far?  I simply must share something that will help – I mean it – will HELP your Monday!  I’m not a giant reblogger and it is nothing personal to anyone, but damn, I could not pass this up.  Izzy is an old blogging friend and she is on a hell of a roll.  Wanted to share.  She has total Living Dilbert sass or I have The Whatever Factor sass, not sure.. .but, please read and enjoy!  I’m still chuckling and LD needed a chuckle today!

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Breathing Life into Living Dilbert

7 Feb

Ok, I think I’ve caught my breath.  Thank you all for waiting for me and
being so nice.

First, I’ve been reading all your blogs and have been so happy to keep
up with you.  I can keep up even better now because I am not in a
bone-numbing depression that makes me want to gauge my own eyes out and throw them at people.  

My life has taken such a turn.  I LOVE the new job and it couldn’t be
any more different from the days at You Really Should Retire, I Don’t Do Crap and Good Ole Boy LLC.  I’ve been here about 9 weeks now and I have to fight the urge to hug my new bosses every day.  We’ll get into that more
later. 

How have I managed some of my PTSD?  I actually have it…I’m not
kidding.  I’ve had many nightmares, found myself filled with anxiety and
the desire for revenge, and so on.  Classic symptoms!  

I may have done something a bit naughty.  You know how Bad Boss hates
recycling and anything good in the world?  He also hates people that drink green tea.  Don’t ask me why
the man is the way he is, but he hates people for the stupidest reasons I’ve ever heard!   I went to a
website where you can order all types of free catalogs and let me tell
you – he has a ==load of them coming his way!   To the old workplace, his home, etc.  He’ll never have another question about the following topics again – recycling, recycling at work, Big Boy suits, teas of every kind, erectile dysfunction and so on.  Oh, the look of hate on his face when he gets junk mail fills me with pure delight!

You know I have to find my delight in subtle ways.  I wish I could say I’m a big enough person to let bygones be bygones, but to hell with that! 

I won’t make this one too long, but I’M BACK and thank you again for the breather!   You inspire me.

Next Time – I Can’t Poo at this Job….

A special thank you to Heart of Gold for riding my ass…..I still had 1 hour and 55 minutes!

Main Squeeze reporting in

6 Nov

Hi LD fans — I felt that you all needed an update…

Living Dilbert is getting used to Living Life again!  YAY – with Bad Bosses out of the picture, we are able to enjoy life with a cup half full feeling.  Actually, what you all may not know is that Living Dilbert is a “cup half full” kind of gal.  But not with Bad Boss #1, #2, and #3 sucking the life out of her good disposition.

Let me fill you in on her recent full of life activities: she started her new job and is working her ass off –AND loving it!  We have just finished an awesome vacation — we ate at yummy restaurants, spent time with friends, saw a show, shopped, read and just chilled.  All this because Bad Boss #1 was not around to give her excuses as to why this wouldn’t be a good week for him for LD to take her vacation!

And as I sit here – knowing that I don’t have her gift of gab — LD wants you to know how much she appreciates you and still enjoys reading your blogs.

Day of Joy

4 Oct

I almost called it Day of Euphoria, Ode to Joy….endless.  I cannot even put into words how happy I am feeling today.  It is my LAST day at I Do Crosswords, Little A-Hole & I’m Just a Good Ole Country Boy LLP.   Having to stifle my massive screams of delight. 

How did the resignation go?   Certainly better than expected and since I have vowed never to lie to you or to embellish…it was downright anti-climactic.  I did have to tell Bad Boss that I needed to chat and that is corporate lingo for “I’m quitting your ass.”  He figured it out prior to our talk and was quite decent and wished me the best of luck.  He DID say, “well, I understand since things around here haven’t really gone as planned.”   REALLY?  “Haven’t gone as planned?”  How about it has been a 2.5 year living nightmare??   I can tell you that unless things change, which they won’t, this pooh hole will not be open in two years.

Ok, you will get more on this later because I suspect I will be feeling PTSS for many, many days.  

Some highlights from Thursday?  (I was off Friday and went to see Big Brother for the weekend):

I told Rough n Tough I was leaving and I was kind, gracious and decent.  Her response?  “I really don’t care where you are going.”  Uh…ok, and I walked off .   How about this?  I know you drink during the day and in your car on the way home and I’m going to tell!!!!  

Useless Coworker started crying the second Bad Boss told her, which he insisted on doing before I could get to her.  She cried every time she looked at me and had to go home at 3:50 because she was so upset.  Oh…she has many, many reasons to cry.  One big one is that she should have listened to me the 1,000 times I tried to teach her things that would help her.  Hindsight is a bitch.

Bad Boss #2 has not spoken to me or looked at me since.   Bad Boss has run around like a chicken all day so far asking me questions and I think reality is sinking in for his sorry ass.  I’m trying to stick with the good karma thing and already typed detailed instructions on the things I did that he needs to know.   Oh yes, he’s already lost the email and asked me to resend and to print it out for him.

Oh, the troubles they are going to have….and here I go again, stifling my SCREAMS OF DELIGHT!   More to come….

THANK YOU for your amazing emails, thoughts, and general shared hatred for these yahoos.  You’ve kept me alive.  I am NOT going anywhere, ok?   I will keep posting!   I still have LOTS to say.

To Bad Bosses:

SEE YA, you ungrateful, “my shit doesn’t stink”, stupid, thoughtless, little, judgmental, mean-spirited, selfish little elitist assholes.  I hope you make many realizations in the next coming weeks, but I suspect you won’t due to all of the above.   May they all give you a small pang of regret.  Furthermore, kiss my effing ass.

OMG!!!

29 Sep

So, you know they called me back for a third interview.  I was so excited I almost peed in my pants.   The meeting went well and I didn’t even get sick or splotchy…a good sign!  My hopes were dashed, however, when the main partner said they had others to interview and it may be a while.  CRAP!  I had my resignation planned with exact precision!   Didn’t they know that I was on a tight time schedule?  I need Friday off to go see Big Brother!  Bad Boss would never give me the day off…so, I was going to now have to feign a terrible illness…oooohhh, the pressure.   I tried to remain calm and talk myself down from the ledge….

I dragged myself back to Horrid Law Firm, with my head hanging low and sat at my desk with the best fake smile I could muster.   THEN…it happened.   My cell phone rang and I recognized the number.   I got up from my desk and raced to the storage closet!   On the other end of the line, I heard the sweetest words I’ve ever heard, “Living Dilbert, is that you?  The partners really enjoyed getting to know you more and WE’D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE JOB!!”  After regaining the use of my speaking abilities….I happily accepted!  IT HAS HAPPENED !!!   I GOT THE JOB!!!

Today is going to be a Bad Day for Bad Boss….resignation will follow in early afternoon….stay tuned!!!

Look’s Like We Made It…

3 Sep

We fricking made it to Friday!!!  Plus, it’s a 3-dayer !   Hot damn!   How has your week been?  

Today I’m trying not to be an angry, hateful troll.  Why would I ever be angry?   BECAUSE, once again, I find myself the only staff person in the office.   Why are we even open?   All I’m going to do today is stare off into space.  Only Bad Boss #2 is here and he’s already watching videos on his computer.  I can hear the laugh track from here!   Since I’ve been awful about blogging this week…let’s just catch you up on some highlights:

1 – I had two interviews at the same law firm and I’m praying like mad that I can get this job.  I’m afraid to even mention it in case I jinx it.  It would be an amazing opportunity with lawyers that actually care about their practice and the firm and the employees.  Trust me, I spent about 4 hours there….I could tell they cared.   It was like being a small child at Walt Disney World.  I had to stifle my screams of excitement.   During the last part of meeting the attorneys, I strongly considered offering a bribe for the position…but, realized I have nothing of financial value to offer.  They’ll just have to settle for me and I leave it up to the universe (and maybe several bouts of praying and chanting this weekend).  

2 – Had my annual gyno and it was a doozy.  Nothing like being embarrassed to death in the first place.  My lady gyno brought in a guest doctor too – hell, the more the merrier!   I was still trying not to die on the table when she said, “We have to do a uterine biopsy right now.”  WHAT?  I’ve had two of those people and I’ve always, always had either pain meds or a valium first!   Oh no!!!   Well, I hope they didn’t mind that I screamed “sh**” and “fu**” during the procedure….and I did apologize, but it was better than punching them in the face, right?   Hopefully, all will be fine…they just want to prove I’m 45 from the inside I guess.   In three weeks I have the joy of another appointment…with a new instrument of torture…ultrasound from the inside!  I’ve had the before too….I told them, “Gee, it’s a $600 embarrassing, violating test and I don’t even get dinner and a movie first!”  

Can you tell I’ve just decided to tell you all pretty much everything?  Why not, we are all friends here!   Plus, I have to try to make rough moments funny.  I hope it is working.

Ok, back to staring into space.    Do we have any business this week?  No.  Did we get any payments this week?  No. 

What are your plans this weekend?

The Power of Now

18 Aug

I know, just the mere title alone makes you want to vomit.   Often, when hearing positive type book titles, I roll my eyes and dramatically stick my finger down my throat!   Bleechhh.

However…Bad Boss has been out of the office for a few days and I find myself feeling an odd feeling – happiness.  Plus, after my successful move in with Main Squeeze this past weekend, I’m feeling downright content!   What is Living Dilbert to do?  Well, I think I’ll just be happy in the here and now.   I’m not always so good at that.  I used to be the Master of What Ifs, but I’m working on it.  I am using this rare, peaceful time to do personal things, like cancelling home services and dealing with moving stuff while at work. 

This week’s scenario completely justifies my feelings of hate and anxiety when Bad Boss is here in the office being a total buttwipe.   He’s here – I’m miserable.   He’s not here – I’m happy.   I do not have a Ph.D. in psychology, but even I can read between the lines. 

Bad Boss #2 has been roaming the halls the last day or so like a kitty in a new home that just plain doesn’t know what to do.  He needs to feel important and just can’t seem to without Bad Boss groveling at his feet.  Yesterday, he told me he has clients coming in to town and could I find 6-8 hotel rooms for them and conference space.  Sure, hang on, pull pants down…pull it out of my ass.  What?   We are in a convention city here…it is not as easy as you think.   Oh, that’s right…Bad Boss #2 is also apparently a Director of the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau and knows all about hospitality trends and he says all the hotels are begging for business.  Well, silly sir, I used to be in hotel sales in my early 20s…and you are so wrong!   Thankfully, I pawned this ridiculous task off on Useless Coworker and I’m quite proud of myself about it.

Bad Boss a/k/a Terd Face, returns tomorrow.   He will be angry and stressed.  Speaking of the Power of Now?  Now, I’m going to reset the time on his computer back about 10 minutes.  It’ll drive him mad.