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Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi – I’m still here…working away.  Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.   Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.  It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!  I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!   Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!   Yay!   It hasn’t been easy..work has been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved asses in this world.   How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?  

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)  Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.  No one will have the heart to scold me.  Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.  I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.  

I miss you.

2)  I’m thin.  To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.  I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode – I snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends – hooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

 5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.  Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.  I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I do not know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.  Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping. 

 Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.   Peace out.

Diets Sadden Me

14 Feb

Back update and I know health stuff can be tiring, but you have my word that I’ll keep it funny (I hope you think so!)   – Found the perfect surgeon – a woman, and she’s amazing.  I was in awe my last appointment as she used all the words regarding adult idiopathic scoliosis that I know so well.  I have found the ONE.   However, it isn’t all romance and kisses.  She looked at me and matter of factly stated – “Blah, blah, blah, probable surgery, 46 degrees…blah, and then looked me right in the eye and told me that I must lose 15 lbs.  Pardon?  I even looked behind me…but, she was talking to me.  “It will be good for your back and even better if we go forward with surgery…”   I heard many things my last appointment, but this one is sticking out like a fricking neon sign in the desert.   Doesn’t she realize that when my back feels like I’ve been shot by a 12-guage that I need a chili dog with cheese?   I need those crispy perfect little tater tots?  I hung my head. 

Life can be tough, but I have to suck it up.  It is ironic that the ONE thing (besides Main Squeeze) that brings me so much joy is being removed from the picture for quite some time.  You don’t understand, I love to eat badly.  I eat like a guy to the delight of most of my friends.   I try to like healthy stuff, but after 46 years…that probably ain’t gonna change.  Sigh. 

This weekend I attended a 3 year old’s birthday party.  It was so precious, but all I could think was “For the love of God, can’t some kid bring in a Happy Meal?”  I envisioned knocking them aside and stealing all the contents.  Hey, I’d give them the toy.   I push the ugliness aside and smile sweetly as I have yet another slice of cucumber and want to puke in my mouth.

Being a responsible grown up is hard sometimes, isn’t it?   I want to stamp my feet and cry til I get a tater tot!

Roar!

6 Aug

I debated whether to say so or not, but why not be a real Leo?!   45 years ago today, Living Dilbert was born!!  Gosh, that is a lot of years.   Technically, Living Dilbert was only born in March…but, she was down there inside all this time!

Thank you all for making my life a lot sweeter!   This is going to be a great year filled with new adventures, great people and maybe, just maybe, the year I tell Bad Boss to shove it up his big, fat bum!!

Be sure to eat some cake today – in honor of telling Bad Bosses everywhere to shove it!

My Useless Coworkers Have a Roach Fetish

25 May

Try as I might (oh..and I do), my coworkers seem to want our office to be infested by roaches.   It’s gross!   Gosh, what are some sure-fire ways to get roaches in your offices too?

1- Leave a half-full soda can on your desk for several days.   Bonus points if it is an extra-sugary soda.

2- Leave dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter even if there are only about effing 3 of us who even use dishes.  I KNOW who the eff you are!

3- Drop crumbs and nasty-ass stuff all over your desk and floor and leave it there.

4- Be a food hoarder.

5- Be a dumb-ass.

Any single item or combination of the above could result in some serious infestation.   Apparently, our former next door neighbors on this floor were brazen slobs and the roaches are starving to death.   A couple of folks have had to do battle in their offices with roaches the size of chipmunks.  Thankfully, this has not happened to me.  One good thing about sitting so out in the open…the roaches avoid my space.   Also, I’m not a fricking slob and I clean my desk and don’t leave anything behind.

One good thing about the roaches?   The other day, one nearly did Useless Coworker in…you’d think I’d hired the little bugger.   Useless came by my desk looking paler than usual and she told me she’d just used the ladies room and she’d had a dreadful experience.   She recounted with horror how she sat down to potty and a live roach dropped into her lap (from the ceiling)!   Can you imagine?    I smiled for days just thinking about it!   It made me giggle uncontrollably!   Worried that my karma will eventually catch up with me , I always look up when I head to the ladies room now and I do a full reconnaissance mission before taking care of any needed business.

Man, wish I’d had a camera in there.  Wonder which creature was the most surprised?  I already know which one is smarter.

Tomorrow – Dear Clients….

What Pure Determination Can Accomplish

7 May

It has been a very tough few weeks and I mean TOUGH.   Here I am, five days a week with Bad Boss(es) and yet I took on an amazing challenge.   I decided to join a weight-loss contest with some former coworkers.  We’ve done it before and it appears the only way I can lose weight (if needed) is to be dared to compete by Big Brother or be offered cash money.   This contest is the latter.   You KNOW how Bad Boss causes carb cravings.   Yell=Doughnut, Yell=Pizza, Yell=Fried Anything.   Him being a a big terd makes me need all the things above 22 hours a day.   Yet, I’ve resisted!  Can you believe it?  Even my own body is in shock.   My body thinks I’ve abandoned my love for it.   I’ve been eating so healthy that it hurts.   I cry daily for all the bad (but, oh so good) stuff, but I continue to resist.   Can’t even watch one of my favorite things either – Food Network, because my stomach starts to audibly growl.   Ok, I’ve lost…..ready?……15 pounds!   Who thought one could do such a thing with will-power alone?!   I hate exercise…despise it, so I haven’t really done any, but to beat the other chick in the lead I may have to make an exception.  We’ve got two weeks to go (out of 10).  Plus, if the truth be known, I think Bad Boss is jealous. I can tell he’s had to battle the buldge in the past and he’s pretty sensitive about how he looks.   This is all Living Dilbert needs to fuel her fire!   Just to get under his skin!   Yay!

Every night when I fall asleep I have visions of food dancing in my head.  I know that I happily and knowingly use food as some type of emotional crutch, but you only live once!   My friends know that I can do some eating…and how I love it so!   Next lifetime, I’d like to be a person who is either a restaurant critic or someone that just drives around the country trying roadside places and then writing about them.  What a life!   Being paid to eat!   If I was a man, I’d even consider being on the competitive eating circuit.  

It makes you think.  What can you really DO if you set your mind to something?   You can do anything.