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New Year, New Life

10 Feb

I’m back.  Is anyone there?   Allow me to re-introduce myself….I am the new and improved Living Dilbert.   It’s been a rough few years, blah, blah…I know we all experience them.   Let’s just say I went from near emotional death, to near physical death, to disability and HELL, I fought my ass back into the world of the living.   If I am anything, it is determined.

Try to stop me.

I’m back at my amazing law firm where I began my career when I was a tiny, Living Dilbert baby.   Didn’t know anything, but I faked it and learned as I went.  Although I’m snarky, I do think I was put back here (thank GOD) for a reason.  The reason has yet to be determined, but I’m honestly coming back to life.   I’m walking, talking, cursing, snarking and working hard doing the job I love.   Will I still have plenty of corporate America, law firm stories and observations?   Honey, there is NO end to them!   I work with great people, but I’ve saved a lot of material in the last few years.

I’ll eventually change my cast of characters a bit….let’s just say there’s been some changes.  We’ll get to that.  I promise.   It seemed best to stop in and say hello and get comfy in my new digs again….with myself and I’m doing that.  You know what saying helped me so much when I was curled into the fetal position seeing no way out of my huge mess?   “Fall down seven times, stand up eight (mother fucker)!”

Trust me, a troubled soul makes for some damn good writing.  God, I’ve missed this.  Please stick with me….you won’t regret it.

Next:  Top 10 Things I Learned from Daytime TV

 

 

What Was That?!

24 Sep

Ok, I have not been a good blogger the last couple weeks.  I’m in total limbo…waiting, watching, hoping for the new job.  Good news is that they called me and want me to come back a third time to have lunch with the two main partners.  I hope it is a good sign and I’m starting to envision my plan.  

In the meantime, to keep from completely snapping….I try to mind my own business at my desk.  “Just lay low,” I whisper to myself.    This was my total mindset today until IT happened.   IT, you ask?    Yes…believe it or not, whilst in hell already, I was just subjected to hearing a roaring, loud, drawn-out, disgusting fart from Bad Boss #3’s office.   Did I hear that right???  Could this really be happening??   Do I matter that little?  

It took everything I had in me to NOT shout, “That’s the last god damn thing I needed to hear around here – although it is quite a fitting commentary on our business model and your law practice.”   I didn’t though…I need this job til next week.

I hope this horridness never happens to you.  If so, be strong my friends.   Not everyone could do this job.  Remember, it’s nearly the weekend.  I pray I can forget that repulsive sound by tomorrow….

Signs of Anarchy

15 Sep

Best Friend loves “Sons of Anarchy” and it got me thinking this morning. I’m dangerously starting to show Signs of Anarchy.   How so?

More and more….I just don’t care.   YES, I would love the new job at that place and am praying, literally praying and Main Squeeze did a vision board that I get the job.   The decision date by said firm is 9/20.   Isn’t it dangerous to start acting so wildly like I don’t care about this butt crust of a place anymore?  I’ve had to stifle my pat response now a couple of times…the words dance around my tongue and come dangerously close to escaping my lips more and more.   It may happen…Rough N Tough has been pushing my buttons.   She is rude, crude and just itching for a bar brawl.   Next time she approaches me with a request or a negative comment, I so want to say, “You know what RnT?   I really don’t give a shit anymore.  Why don’t you go eff yourself?”  God, that made me feel so good just to write it!   For some reason she has stopped talking to me, a blessing in itself, but it also makes me wonder, “What the fu** did I do?”   Want to know the only person in this office lately that has even noted my mere existence?   Useless Coworker!  Folks, I have to change my allegiance regarding UC…she’s listened, been learning new things and actually seems to care about me. When Main Squeeze’s aunt passed away, she was the only one that asked me how we were…who EVER asks me how I am.  Hell, she hasn’t even been useless in about 6 weeks.  I have to give the girl credit.   Rough N Tough is now tops on my “you suck” list.  

Other signs of trouble?   I don’t even care what I wear to work anymore.  I used to like dressing all fancy and lawyerish…but, now as long as my body is covered with some form of fabric, I could give a crap.   Maybe I’ll wear the same pants all week and just change my shirt.  If it’s clean…it works.   Am I turning into a straight guy?

Bad Bosses ask me to do things and I blatantly lie through my teeth.  “Oh, that pocket part update?   You haven’t gotten it yet?!  Really?!   Well, I ordered it!”   Folks, I didn’t order any damn publications!  I don’t care!!!  I guess I’ll have to order it today, but should have 6 weeks ago.   I’ve been having far more fun readjusting Rough N Tough’s printer each day after she leaves.  Did any of you see “Serial Mom”?  That is who I am becoming.  On my way to work, all I could think is..what can I do today to torture another person in my office?   My karma is taking a beating!   Oh well, I’ll work on karma in my next job.  Being a decent human being only hurts me here.

There IS a World Out There

8 Sep

I’m so thankful to say that I’ve made a huge realization in the last two weeks.   There IS a world out there…a happy, functioning, grateful, well-oiled working world out there.  Of course, I am NOT talking about this crater of molten hell.   My views are entrenched more than ever on that fact.   

I’m just simply amazed that I’ve been lucky enough to have three amazing interviews in the last couple of weeks.  While interviewing and meeting these folks, I drank in every detail possible and you know what?   They were healthy places….healthy, I tell you!   Yes, I know…no place is perfect, but I’m talking about a concept I really lost complete hope in without even realizing it.  Through the right combination of much-needed anti-depressants, therapy, incredible friends , you all and my little tiny spark of hope that seems to spring eternal, I’ve realized that places of employment do still exist where people are relatively happy and satisfied.   Thank GOD!   I feel like someone that’s discovered a priceless treasure!

I had a great interview yesterday at a small firm very much like this one, with one huge difference.  The managing partner isn’t a dick of epic proportions.   He is a nice man…wanting to make a good living….and treats his employees well because he realizes that hell…it just makes life a little nicer.  I wish these butt wipes could realize that too, but it will never happen.   It reminds me of an old bumper sticker that I saw that says, “Since I gave up hope I feel a lot better.”  I am done hoping for anything positive from I’m Tired, Buttwipe & I’m a Greedy Bastard LLP.   I feel so much better.  I’m on my way out, folks, it is just a matter of time now!   I hope I don’t sound like a broken record….things are in motion…I can feel it.

We are going to have a lot more fun very soon!  You do realize I’ll be taking you all with me on my new adventures, right?   Law firms are law firms….we’ll just have new things to make fun of!

To my incredibly amazingly wonderful Jewish friends and family – L’shanah tovah!

Look’s Like We Made It…

3 Sep

We fricking made it to Friday!!!  Plus, it’s a 3-dayer !   Hot damn!   How has your week been?  

Today I’m trying not to be an angry, hateful troll.  Why would I ever be angry?   BECAUSE, once again, I find myself the only staff person in the office.   Why are we even open?   All I’m going to do today is stare off into space.  Only Bad Boss #2 is here and he’s already watching videos on his computer.  I can hear the laugh track from here!   Since I’ve been awful about blogging this week…let’s just catch you up on some highlights:

1 – I had two interviews at the same law firm and I’m praying like mad that I can get this job.  I’m afraid to even mention it in case I jinx it.  It would be an amazing opportunity with lawyers that actually care about their practice and the firm and the employees.  Trust me, I spent about 4 hours there….I could tell they cared.   It was like being a small child at Walt Disney World.  I had to stifle my screams of excitement.   During the last part of meeting the attorneys, I strongly considered offering a bribe for the position…but, realized I have nothing of financial value to offer.  They’ll just have to settle for me and I leave it up to the universe (and maybe several bouts of praying and chanting this weekend).  

2 – Had my annual gyno and it was a doozy.  Nothing like being embarrassed to death in the first place.  My lady gyno brought in a guest doctor too – hell, the more the merrier!   I was still trying not to die on the table when she said, “We have to do a uterine biopsy right now.”  WHAT?  I’ve had two of those people and I’ve always, always had either pain meds or a valium first!   Oh no!!!   Well, I hope they didn’t mind that I screamed “sh**” and “fu**” during the procedure….and I did apologize, but it was better than punching them in the face, right?   Hopefully, all will be fine…they just want to prove I’m 45 from the inside I guess.   In three weeks I have the joy of another appointment…with a new instrument of torture…ultrasound from the inside!  I’ve had the before too….I told them, “Gee, it’s a $600 embarrassing, violating test and I don’t even get dinner and a movie first!”  

Can you tell I’ve just decided to tell you all pretty much everything?  Why not, we are all friends here!   Plus, I have to try to make rough moments funny.  I hope it is working.

Ok, back to staring into space.    Do we have any business this week?  No.  Did we get any payments this week?  No. 

What are your plans this weekend?

Time to Start Swinging…

31 Aug

First, hello.  How are you?   A lot has been happening, which I will explain very, very soon!   I started a post about it, but then had an incident that has me hoppin’ mad and is perfect LD material!!!

Oh, the joys of a small law firm where no one has any balls are endless.   Am I the only voice of reason and sanity?  I think so.   Let me tell you, too…Living Dilbert is about to start swinging.  You know, the good ole bar brawl kind of swinging!   What is it today?   Filing space.   EFFING FILING SPACE.

Scenario?  Bad Boss #3 who I think I’ll call “Good Ole Boy” has taken over our office.  Let’s all just admit it – he’s taken over our office and the other two, my boss included, are terrified of him.  Why?  I don’t know.  I guess he has the most cahones.   BB#3 has finally left his old law firm fully, which means he’s moved his years of crap and other failures over to our newly reduced space.  There are boxes everywhere and he is letting his secretary, who I’ll call Rough N Tough, “decorate” our space.  I’m beyond horrified.   Our reception area looks like a GD cat house…and I don’t mean kitty cats.   RnT has brought vases from home that she got at flea markets and has put one on every flat surface in sight.   Good Ole Boy told Bad Boss he “hopes he doesn’t mind if he and RnR did a little redecoratin'” and once Bad Boss reattached his peen…he said “no problem!”   WHAT?  

I find it so amusing some days and downright infuriating other days.  Today it is infuriating to see two secretaries puffing out their chests over a filing drawer because none of the Bad Bosses will make a decision.   It is such a waste of time and energy and one of the 1,456,982 reasons I can’t wait to get the HELL out of this portal to hell.

More on that later…

Thanks for listening.  I’m about to go over there and slam all three of their heads together.  Whoever is still standing when I’m done is welcome to have the filing drawer.

Wishful Wednesday

25 Aug

I’m going to follow the lead from two fellow, brilliant bloggers with a Wednesday theme.  Hats off to You Are What You Eat and Reheat with White Trash Wednesday and Fix It or Deal with Wine Wednesdays.  I never thought Living Dilbert could have a theme for a weekday, but I like the idea…and the subject will be never-ending!  Thanks girls, for the inspiration.

Today I wish :

1 – that Bad Boss’ hair didn’t look just like Will Schuester’s on the fabulous series, Glee.  I love Glee and seeing the same hair is disturbing to say the least. 

2 – that people in the left lane would DRIVE FASTER and pull their heads out of their bums.

3 – that I’m here when Bad Boss gets the bill from the building for having to build the new wall since our guys decided to give up half our space.  Rumor has it, that BB will have a cow when he sees it.   PLEASE let me be here!

4 – that Bad Boss’ would go to NY for a week and get bedbugs in every possible orifice.

5 – that Bad Boss would have one of his sniveling fits in front of the other two Bad Bosses….and I could sit right here in the middle of it and shout, “SEE, what I mean??  Now you’ll understand when I quit one day without notice!”

Lastly for today, I wish the day would fly by…but, it won’t.  I will continue to sit here and work on other things because we still have no business and we all sit here diligently day in and day out.   Oh, the Days of Drudgery!  Who are they kidding?   LAY ME OFF!!!  I could save you so much money!  Oh, that’s right..that would actually make some bit of sense and Lord knows they never, ever do anything that makes sense.

Things I’m Whole-Heartedly Sick Of

24 Aug

These are not only in general, but amazingly all pertain to Bad Boss as well! (what a surprise, huh?)  I’m sick to death of:

1 – Egos (never a good thing, always in the way, and greatly exaggerated greatness)

2 – Speaker phone conversations (shut the hell up or shut your door!)

3 – Hypocritical behavior  (tell me not to do something, then do it yourself – impressive)

4 – Fake, sucking up attitudes (does this really work for people, long-term?)

5 – People who strive to make things much harder than they ever need to be (refer back to the control issue)

6 – Total and complete lack of respect for me as a living, breathing human being  (put your trash in the can, your used toner cartridge away…not in bits on my desk…what am I your nanny or could you just not figure out how to get it back in the box because you are a total numb nuts?)

7 – Killing our environment (yet you have 3 kids – lead by example, you slob)

8 – Wasting time by repeating the same mistakes again and again and again (I have a list of these as well for your reference)

9 – A constant need for control (why don’t you control your temper, your bad attitude and a host of other things I’m happy to suggest while nicely attached to my foot up your ass?)

10 – Bad Bosses!!!!

Bad Bosses, life is too short.  We are here a mere instant in time.  Why do you have to make it so unpleasant each and every day when we are here to work for you?   People like you make me think that we will never evolve.

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

3 Aug

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.

 

I Really Don’t Give a Flip

29 Jul

I think it is finally happening.  Living Dilbert is developing a truly thick skin.   After 29  months of dealing with Bad Bosses and Useless Coworkers that don’t give a crap, guess what?   I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.   Once upon a time, I would have been horrified by such a personality development when it comes to my work ethic, but now I think it will probably save my life.    Now, when dysfunctional, idiotic, maddening, stupid-ass situations present themselves…I hear a calm serene voice in my head that says it again and again.   “I don’t give a flip.”   It is enlightening I tell you!

Recent examples?

1 – Everyone is up in arms about where they will put their useless crap now that the building has cut 1/2 our space.  Useless loves to come to me all shaking like chihuahua in an ice storm and says, “Have you heard where people are going to be putting their boxes?”  “Where do you think I should put BB#2’s things?”  and there it is….I don’t give a flip.

2 – Bad Bosses running around today with their shriveled peens saying, “I didn’t know THAT is where the wall was going!  Now, maybe we can move the server room again so it is quieter.”   Yes, God knows the hum must keep them from working….ooops, there I go.   I don’t give a flip – figure it out yourself.

3 – Bad Bosses trying to mark their territory with the new space and have constantly come out of their offices to stare at said new wall.   I want to scream.   Oh, that’s right…I don’t give a flip.

4 – We have no business and the only person that sent out their bills for a 3 month period is BB #2.  It was for about $30K….four weeks ago.   Has anyone paid us? No.   I don’t give a flip…just pay me unemployment.

5 – There is no room in this office for your egos, your bullsh** and your slapping each other on the back.  You constantly ignore anything that makes sense and I watch you spend countless dollars due to that fact.   You are the dumbest bastards I’ve ever met.   You will not listen to any form of reason, ever.   Oh crap..insert new motto – I don’t give a flip.

I now also don’t give a rat’s ass about working a full day.   None of you do and I’ve been doing it for 29 months.  I faithfully sit here while you flush money down the figurative commode.  Not anymore, my friends.   Here’s a flip I can use.

Next Time – My Life as a Ringmaster