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How to Go Poo While at Work

12 Apr

Gosh, this subject is so broad.  No one really likes to bring up the subject, but when they do it seems everyone has their own delightful experiences.  As I’ve mentioned in a past post, I try to never go poo at work if at all humanly possible.    However, when I absolutely must, these are part of my mantra:

* Make sure the coast is clear.  In the past, Best Friend and I were awful and would put an out of order sign on the ladies restroom door and if anyone even headed in that direction, the other (who was acting as the look out) would say “Oh, I’m sorry miss, there has been a hellacious flood in there…you’ll have to go downstairs.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”   It usually buys the other person a few minutes of tranquility.

* Timing is everything.  IF you have to go and the coast is actually clear, don’t dilly-dally in there!   Push and run!   Get out of there as soon as possible.   IF someone else comes in and you are actually caught in the stall, then you will have to play the game of “wait them out” and that can be a whole different, face-blushing disaster.

* IF you must go poo….please, for God’s sake, do so politely.   There is nothing worse than walking in prepared to take care of business and you innocently head to the stall (with very little time to work with) and there appears to have been wild rhinoceros that came in before you and poo’d all over the place!   I never, ever, ever want to see remnants of anyone else’s poo.  It is the grossest thing in the world, by far.   DO NOT LEAVE piles anywhere, and do not leave skid marks!  GROSS!   How anyone can think this is ok is beyond me.

* Don’t leave your little makeshift toilet seat cover made out of toilet paper hanging on the toilet.  This actually makes me heave.  I don’t want to see a half-submerged, make-shift toilet cover or an actual toilet cover hanging on the rim for dear life.   When I come across this, I start getting horrific mental pictures.   If no other choices are available, then I’m the one having to push it in with my foot while fighting my heaving reflexes.  Why do this to people?

Poo, poo quietly, get the hell out of there and don’t leave any mess!   We are all human and we all have to poo, but it can be done with a little consideration for your fellow humans!

Tomorrow – Getting Lawyers Their Lunch

How To Pass the Time in a Failing Business

9 Apr

Sadly, I’ve been in this position twice in my career.  Now, I think I handle it better than I did previously because I know that a failing business is not the end of the world.   If employed at a failing business with no clients…how in the world does one stay busy and awake?   Here are some experienced suggestions to get you started.

1) Read. If you do not sit in the open or if you are the sole employee left in said business, this is a perfect time to catch up on all those novels or trash books you’ve been meaning to read.   Ultimate scenario is if said failing dump business is near a library or bookstore.

2) Games.  If you have an internet connection, which I pray you do since it is 2010, play solitaire and other mind-numbing games to take your mind off the impending doom.  I, personally, am the #1 scorer in an online crossword game on Great Day Games.

3) Watch TV.  This used to be a bit harder than it is today.  In 1998, while in a failing firm, thank GOD they had a TV so lawyers could play their stupid videos about cases that they felt made them look smart.  We were just thankful that if we wheeled the thing into certain parts on our floor, we could get a good signal for a few channels and if we were really lucky, watch The Jerry Springer Show and make fun of the folks more down on their luck than we were.  Now, we’d be out of luck with the new digital signal!   Try….they have enough shows to keep you busy for a long time. 

4) Sleep.  Again, one has to be the sole employee here….don’t try this in the open if you have fellow coworkers that may rat on you.   Old failing firm had a couch and Best Friend would look at me regularly and announce she was going to sleep the rest of the day.  The woman would get up at the end of the day and have the pattern of the couch imprinted on her face.  I was too nervous to do such things because I was in my 20s and I still cared.  Now, I don’t.

5) Be thankful.  Be thankful you get to go someplace that pays you to sit there til they go out of business.   You have heating and air, electricity, plumbing…lots of regular comforts.  Remind yourself you are being paid an annual salary to do any of the activities suggested above (and several more).  Just try to remember this when you are about to pull your hair out from brain-numbing boredom and you don’t think you can take another fricking second of absolute silence. 

At the end of the day, anyone with sense will realize that hey…their place of work is going out of business.   Enjoy it while you can, but be sure to use that down time to look for another job and use as many of the failing businesses resources as possible to assist you in your job search.   Use your job…don’t let it use you! They won’t care – they are going out of business!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow – Words that Make Me Want to Vomit

Pull This Out of Your Ass, Will You?

8 Apr

People, I bet this has happened to you…perhaps you’ve just not come up with a catch phrase for it.  Best Friend and I like to use the words, “Hey, pull this out of your ass, will you?” amongst ourselves when a Bad Boss asks you to do an impossible task with absolutely no prior notice.   Hmmm….an example of this would be when a Bad Boss approaches you at 12:15 to ask you to order lunch for 15 to be delivered five minutes ago.  Keep in mind you asked him the day before if he wanted to order lunch for this meeting and he said no.  Last time I checked, we are not a Subway.  I do not bake bread each morning, I just figuratively wipe butts.  Another example, “Hey, can you make this document do such and such?”  No, I can’t …the technology has not even been invented to do what you ask.   Apparently, if a lawyer has seen something done once in their entire lifetime, they think you can miraculously do the same exact task on the spot – no matter of your software, technical ability, number of staff on-hand, whether or not you have a mailroom, unlimited funds, etc.  It can be quite frustrating.  Better yet, is having a Bad Boss that will not take “no” for an answer.  Bad Boss does that all the time – maybe he thinks I’m playing the part of First Officer Riker on the old Star Trek Next Generation and he just stands towering over my desk like Captain Picard and says “Make it so.”  Well, this ain’t Hollywood, ass face.

Best Friend has an ideal response to such absurdity that she has used in the past and it is classic.  It goes like this – when Bad Boss comes to you with an impossible task that he uncaringly thinks you can just pull from your ass, proceed to look at him while seated, lean to one side to clearly lift a butt cheek up from your chair and slowly look at your butt, look at him, look at your butt, then look him in the eye and say “Really?!?”   It usually shuts them up for a bit.  Try it if you dare.

Tomorrow – How to Pass the Time in a Failing Business

Fantasy Letters of Resignation

6 Apr

Let’s just pretend here for a moment…it keeps me going.   Here are some bullet points that would be AWESOME to put in a letter to Bad Boss:

1 – Clearly you have serious anger management issues interspersed with a personality disorder.   I am leaving you the names of several certified therapists.

2-May you rot in hell for all eternity.

3-When you were young, did you aspire to be such an asshole or was it just something in which you naturally excelled?

4-As I told people I was leaving you, I’ve never received so many high-fives in my life.  People were taking bets on how long I’d last working for you and I outlived most predictions.

5-No, I didn’t win the lottery, you are just that BAD of a boss.

6-Remember that $35 box of business cards you didn’t want to buy me?   Maybe you shouldn’t have.   I left them on your desk.

7-I’ve been telling my friends and many of your peers what an terd you are for months.  I wouldn’t expect too many more business referrals.

8-All the people that you refuse to talk to for months…all the call screening I’ve done for you, well…I gave them your cell and home number.

9-If you are anything at home like you are here at work, I’d save those therapist recommendations for your kids.   They are going to need it.

10-You will miss me.  You have no idea all I did for you and you still managed to blow it.  I never even asked you for a raise…and you sure didn’t give one.

Whew, just felt really good to get that out. 

Tomorrow – IT Hilarities

The UH OH Signs of Burnout

2 Apr

If you begin to experience any of the following, you may want to check with your doctor or therapist immediately:

1) You experience an involuntary twitch in one of your eyelids (or both) that lasts longer than 2 weeks.

2) When a Bad Boss rudely shouts at you, “I don’t have time to read your emails – what do you want?” and your fantasy response is, “To punch you in the face.” 

3) Anytime you see the boss or any other lawyer in the office approaching you, you immediately think “What the fu** do you want ?” rather than “Good morning!” or “How’s your day?”

4) You play the lottery more and more knowing the odds are stacked highly against you, but you don’t care because purchasing that ticket gives you a momentary glimmer of hope from the bone-crushing disillusionment you feel each work day.

5) You have to restrain yourself from making faces, flipping everyone off or rolling your eyes so far back into your head that you need to seek the immediate help of a ophthamologist.

[this will be an ongoing blog topic from time to time]

Tomorrow – Saturdays ROCK!

How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

31 Mar

My bosses have a golden lottery ticket in their hands and instead of cashing it in for millions (hell, even thousands), they casually decide to wipe their butts with it instead.  I do NOT get it.   You start a business that is now in it’s fourth year, we have no profit and yet you still do absolutely no marketing, no budget analysis, no consistent billing, no anything…you just sit around and talk about how awesome you are and far better lawyers than anyone in the city.   I came to work here hoping it’d be a success….yes, I actually believed in the product.   Too bad there was not a money-back guarantee.  

I was so full of hope and promise as the newly-appointed office administrator, but it has since been beaten out of me.  Bad Bosses love to bring up the subject of “projects” but they never materialize.  Am I a Disgruntled Know It All Manager?  Heavens no….but, I can state with all certainty that you have to seek clients to grow business, get your name out there to develop name recognition, that some rules are there for a reason in order to prevent total chaos, and one actually needs to send out bills to get paid.  Getting paid is what keeps us in business.  It’s a pretty tried and true business model.  Maybe I should just hand them $100 bills to flush down the toilet on a daily basis.

Is this just a hobby for them, something to do to feel good about themselves and pass the time because Bad Bosses are independently wealthy or have spouses with big-wig jobs?   For me, it was an investment.   Sadly, not a good one.   I can suggest improvements, money-saving procedures or anything that would help get us out of this flat-lining business until I am hoarse and sick of hearing my own voice.  Instead, I am doomed to suffer the same fate as the mythological character, Cassandra.   Granted the gift of seeing the future, yet no one ever believed her predictions.  It was said about Cassandra –  “She evokes the same awe, horror and pity as do schizophrenics, who often combine deep, true insight with utter helplessness, and who retreat into madness.”  Yep, I’m retreating.

Tomorrow – Brainless Coworkers

You Want to Put What WHERE?

30 Mar

Explain to me how one can be in office space the size of Rhode Island…and, yet, Bad Boss still wants to put his damn files in my drawers? I occupy a very small portion of our 10,000 square feet office. I don’t ask for much! I came in the other day and Bad Boss had moved all the stuff out of the two filing cabinets behind me and put his files in there! Yes, I realize he is the boss, but really? Now I have a new partner telling me he is going to move my filing cabinet so he can put his filing cabinet there. It is the oddest power struggle I’ve ever seen…besides the window space battle. There is plenty of other space in the office!  Do they not want to walk more than 10 feet? Is this some lawyer/staff version of marking your territory and pissing on a tree?

I should have remembered, because he did that to me at the last law firm we were in together as well, but I must have blocked that memory. Isn’t it funny how you tend to remember the good things about a boss if you’ve ever followed him to a new position in a new firm? “Oh, that Bad Boss is really a Good Boss when you clear away the fluff!” “He is just very intense.” “He means well…” – well, guess what folks?  He is the same person that used to bug the living hell out of you when you worked for him previously! Don’t romanticize it! Nothing like getting to the new position and after a couple of weeks (when the honeymoon is over) having a dim wattage lightbulb go off in your head that says “Oh yeah, he IS a royal pain in the ass. What was I thinking??!”   I’ve got to go move some files….

Tomorrow – How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

Lawyer Pissing Contests

29 Mar

Gosh, that sounds unpleasant, doesn’t it?   I’m talking figuratively, of course.  Lawyers running around the office beating their chests and demanding respect.   Let me tell you, it IS unpleasant…downright nauseating.  In my old law firm there was once a big turmoil between two partners on my floor.   Unfortunately, I was acting floor manager that day, so I was lucky enough to have to deal with it.   Hmmm…what were they fighting over?  Stealing of the credit for a new big deal?   One telling the other that he didn’t go to Harvard or an ivy league college, so therefore he was a lesser human being with limited brain function?   No.  One partner was unbelievably upset because he felt the other partner had approximately 1 more foot of window space than he did.  Yep, that’s right.   One effing more foot of window space – who gives a rat’s ass?  These are fellows making $800,000 to $1.6 million annually and they are upset about another office possibly having more window space.   Most staff wonder if they have enough money for lunch for the week.  Kind of puts things in perspective, huh?  

Other common pissing contest categories – who went to what college (you are nothing if you didn’t graduate in the top 2% of your class from a nationally recognized law school or university), who knows whom (name-dropping and who can drop the biggest) , new deals (who has what and who actually reeled it in), who has the nicest watch, who drives the most expensive car, who has a nanny and a housekeeper, and the list goes on.

Sirs, in the scheme of things, you have gotten so drunk with power and your self-perceived importance, that you can’t even see that these things DO NOT MATTER in life.   What matters is if you are a good human being, kind, considerate of the folks that make a gajillion less than you that work their asses off every day to help you….we don’t care about your window space.   Actually, we just think you must be really unhappy or have a small wee wee.  

Tomorrow – You Want to Put What WHERE??

Bad Male Office Habits

27 Mar

I work with a lot of male lawyers and always have – they have some distinct habits, all of them unpleasant.   So I don’t sound totally bitchy, I will say this is not all men….just more than the majority.

1) Taking the front desk newspaper to the bathroom to read while pooing.   Sirs, UCK.  Do you think we don’t notice when you come by the reception desk, give us a hearty hello, pick  up the newspaper and then walk to the bathroom in plain view, come back in 20 minutes clearly pleased with yourselves (with folded newspaper in hand) and then put it BACK ON THE RECEPTION DESK?!   We don’t want to see it, touch it, (God help us…catch a whiff of it), think about it – we want it no where near us!   Could you try to be a little more subtle?

2) Dishes in sink.  Ok, I’m not sure if you noticed, but we are a small law firm and do not have our own housekeeping department to come behind you and clean up your mess.   It is demeaning.  We really hate it when you put a half-eaten plate of food by or in the sink…do you think elves come and clean it off or do you think the plate mysteriously cleans itself?  It doesn’t, rocket scientist.

3) Leave empty soda 12-packs in fridge.   I don’t know about you, but I have personally realized that if you don’t put shit in the fridge, it won’t be there for you to drink later.  The entire supply of sodas and waters is about 5 feet from your head by the fridge…if you drink the last soda (you can take notes if needed here), throw out the empty carton (that’d be the one with nothing in it) and put in a new one.  Please contact me if you need instructions on how to open said 12-pack.

4) Walk down the hallway farting.  Yes, we hear you and it is disgusting as hell.  Stop it.

I’ll close with four today…it is the weekend after all.   I just find it continually amazing that these guys cannot, will not, do anything for themselves – anything.   If you work in an office, sirs, just once in a while try to heed one of the above-referenced suggestions and you will be a rock star to the staff.   If not, we’ll just continue to think you are an inconsiderate bastard and talk about what an inconsiderate bastard you are behind your back.

Tomorrow  – “What Do You Mean You Want a Day Off?”

Get Out of My Bathroom!

26 Mar

Bathroom interlopers – we’ve all seen them…hell, we’ve all probably been them at one point or another in our professional careers.  (Side note: For the lack of a better term in my mind at the moment that is not merely saying “shit”…I’m going to use the word “poo” here several times. )   I’m talking about people that sneak onto my floor in my office building and go poo in my restroom!!   HELLO!   Our firm is the sole resident on a floor in an office building in a series of buildings – there are 5 women here.   I know who is supposed to be in the ladies room and who does not belong.  Frankly, I went years without pooing at my work place because I was too horrified to do so, but now…sometimes..well, I can only take so much of such pressure.  I’ve got other things to deal with and people in my face all day long, I just want 2 minutes of solitude.  I’m not going to clench and run from floor to floor.  If I’m crowning…well, I’ve got very limited time!  I’ve paid my dues!  Let me poo in peace if , God forbid, I have to go at work!   The last thing I need is coming face to face with some strange woman and the look of shame that is exchanged between us.   However, this is MY poo floor!  Not yours!   We pay our lease…go crap on your own fricking floor!

Also, to you bathroom cell phone users out there – don’t come in my bathroom and use your damn cell phone.  There is a little couch in our bathroom…and I mean little.  It is not like the sitting rooms you see in a Macy’s restroom.   Sometimes there are women in there when I race in and they are happily talking away on their cell phones – jesus, people.   What the hell?   This building has a huge lobby, a beautiful outside area – get your ass out there on the phone!  If I have to poo, I grumble obscenities and turn around and leave…I’m sure they hear me.   I have been working on a series of signs I want to put up in there.  “If This Isn’t Your Floor, Get The Fu** Out!”  “Pooing for 24th Floor Residents Only” “Do Not Use Your GD Phone In Here or I’ll Take It, Wipe With It and Flush You Both”   – I’m dying to do it.

For those of you that can poo with your head held high, whenever, wherever and however – I salute you.   

Tomorrow – “Bad Male Office Habits”

[I will keep posting on weekends…I enjoy this so much and I sincerely appreciate that it is making some of you have a moment of laughter!  God knows, we need to laugh more!]