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New Year, New Life

10 Feb

I’m back.  Is anyone there?   Allow me to re-introduce myself….I am the new and improved Living Dilbert.   It’s been a rough few years, blah, blah…I know we all experience them.   Let’s just say I went from near emotional death, to near physical death, to disability and HELL, I fought my ass back into the world of the living.   If I am anything, it is determined.

Try to stop me.

I’m back at my amazing law firm where I began my career when I was a tiny, Living Dilbert baby.   Didn’t know anything, but I faked it and learned as I went.  Although I’m snarky, I do think I was put back here (thank GOD) for a reason.  The reason has yet to be determined, but I’m honestly coming back to life.   I’m walking, talking, cursing, snarking and working hard doing the job I love.   Will I still have plenty of corporate America, law firm stories and observations?   Honey, there is NO end to them!   I work with great people, but I’ve saved a lot of material in the last few years.

I’ll eventually change my cast of characters a bit….let’s just say there’s been some changes.  We’ll get to that.  I promise.   It seemed best to stop in and say hello and get comfy in my new digs again….with myself and I’m doing that.  You know what saying helped me so much when I was curled into the fetal position seeing no way out of my huge mess?   “Fall down seven times, stand up eight (mother fucker)!”

Trust me, a troubled soul makes for some damn good writing.  God, I’ve missed this.  Please stick with me….you won’t regret it.

Next:  Top 10 Things I Learned from Daytime TV



Take a Vacation From Life!!!

3 Aug

We all deserve a vacation, even the ever stoic Living Dilbert!   All of us, people!  If you are working full-time, part-time, not working, seeking work, an incredible housewife, a mom, a dad, disabled, in college, etc. – please give yourself a fucking break!  It’s ok!  Let go of all the “I should be”, “I shouldn’t be”, “I can’t afford it” bullshit clutter in your mind and do it!  It doesn’t have to be far away or expensive.  Find your place that brings you peace.  

Living Dilbert wouldn’t be Living Dilbert without a work story, so here is one of a million.  Kick-Ass coworker texts me to say Collassul C a/k/a Twatwaffle is in rare form today, meaning as a team member in our group she’s found even more ways to be a worthless sack of shit when it comes to helping with the workload of the team.   I created an entire email scenario that I sent to Kick- Ass to cheer her…but, I kind of enjoyed it.  

I basically know Sack’s arrival time and where she parks in work garage.  I drive to work and do some recon.  I lay low, far enough away so she doesn’t see me or car.  I learn her exact car and routine.  She arrives between 9:30 and 9:45 every day.  Her car and arrival times become ingrained in my memory and I proceed home to perfect my plan, which will take a few days.

I will return a week later (big garage and busy) in a rental car wearing a very believable disguise.  Hair shape and color will be altered, I will have a prosthetic nose and will have learned techniques to look 20 years older and I will lay in wait. She’ll arrive late (as always) and I’ll give it 11 minutes while she races upstairs to log in.  I’ll work fast to be certain she didn’t forget anything in her car, first checking for her security badge.  I know she’s desperate to log in because she fears she’ll be discovered as the Sack she is.  

I’ll get out of my rental car (in which I’ve removed the plate prior to arrival) and calmly walk to her car after glancing to make sure no one around.  I’ll pull out my long knife and quietly insert it once, like butter, into each tire until all four are done.  I’ll go back to car and calmly leave the scene.  Yes, dear readers, of course I’ll wear gloves!

She’ll come out promptly at 6:00, after feigning work all day as she has done for 13 years and knows it and proceed to shit in her pants.  I’ll crawl into bed that night and between uncontrollable giggles, fall into the best slumber in years and have beautiful dreams.   I’ll have to tell K-A after deed is done….wait….I won’t because I want her to have no knowledge.  If she mentions it during one of our delightful lunches, I’ll simply reply, “Karma, baby!”  and smile on the inside.  Don’t think me awful readers…the above scenario is a coping mechanism.  I looked for the slightest glimmer of good in Sack for 5 years…I swallowed many an urge to knock her flat.  Never saw a hint of good.  
Back to the first part of this blog.  Please plan a vacation of some sort.  Remember to see the beauty in the world, wherever that is….for you.  

I appreciate you – LD

Doris Doomsday

17 Jan

We all know one – male or female.   These fine folks are the ones that no matter what you tell them – news item, random fact, day of the week….they sure as hell know a terrible story about it and want to share it.  

I’m afraid Living Dilbert has been having back problems resulting from a late dose of teenage idiopathic scoliosis that left me with a 40 degree curve.  I know, I know…you are already bored, so I’ll try to make this quick.  Basically, I’m 46 and now have the spine of an 80 year old and the mother fucker has been hurting – a lot, for 7 months.  I’ve tried it all – selective nerve root blocks, steriod injections, radio frequency lesioning…uh…acupuncture, cupping and the list goes on and on.   Unfortunately, it ain’t working.   There’s a very good chance Living Dilbert will be getting cut and fused in the near future.  Do I like it?  Hell, no.   Am I terrified?  Yes.  Am I wearing down from being in pain nearly 20 hours a day?   Oh, hell, yes.    Thank GOD, I like this job and the people so much and it has allowed me to continue to work, even though many days I drag my left leg down the hall, resemble Quasimodo with my grunts and drool (no humpback…but you get the facial implications of constant pain).   Hey, I can still walk -that’s a huge plus!

Now that you have the background…I can write many posts on this and try to keep it amusing!   Anyway, I told a lady here at work that I probably would be getting surgery…mistake.  The first thing she tells me is that of the two people that she knows of that had back surgery, they were both ultimately paralyzed and one died.   (Language disclaimer) Shut. The. Fuck. Up.   Why the fuck would she tell me that?  Oh, the same reason some other guy tells me that he had the surgery about 155 years ago and that his back is about to fall out.   Terrific, just the thing to cheer me!

Folks, I know none of you do this.   For any of you that may know someone who does, for the love of God PEOPLE, if someone shares with you…do not tell them how someone died from it, or pooped in their pants the rest of their lives or anything similar!   Put a GD gag in your mouth and fricking think before you speak!  

Living Dilbert is inches away from punching the next one who does this to me in the face.  I will simply blame my powerful pain meds.


29 Sep

So, you know they called me back for a third interview.  I was so excited I almost peed in my pants.   The meeting went well and I didn’t even get sick or splotchy…a good sign!  My hopes were dashed, however, when the main partner said they had others to interview and it may be a while.  CRAP!  I had my resignation planned with exact precision!   Didn’t they know that I was on a tight time schedule?  I need Friday off to go see Big Brother!  Bad Boss would never give me the day off…so, I was going to now have to feign a terrible illness…oooohhh, the pressure.   I tried to remain calm and talk myself down from the ledge….

I dragged myself back to Horrid Law Firm, with my head hanging low and sat at my desk with the best fake smile I could muster.   THEN…it happened.   My cell phone rang and I recognized the number.   I got up from my desk and raced to the storage closet!   On the other end of the line, I heard the sweetest words I’ve ever heard, “Living Dilbert, is that you?  The partners really enjoyed getting to know you more and WE’D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE JOB!!”  After regaining the use of my speaking abilities….I happily accepted!  IT HAS HAPPENED !!!   I GOT THE JOB!!!

Today is going to be a Bad Day for Bad Boss….resignation will follow in early afternoon….stay tuned!!!

There IS a World Out There

8 Sep

I’m so thankful to say that I’ve made a huge realization in the last two weeks.   There IS a world out there…a happy, functioning, grateful, well-oiled working world out there.  Of course, I am NOT talking about this crater of molten hell.   My views are entrenched more than ever on that fact.   

I’m just simply amazed that I’ve been lucky enough to have three amazing interviews in the last couple of weeks.  While interviewing and meeting these folks, I drank in every detail possible and you know what?   They were healthy places….healthy, I tell you!   Yes, I know…no place is perfect, but I’m talking about a concept I really lost complete hope in without even realizing it.  Through the right combination of much-needed anti-depressants, therapy, incredible friends , you all and my little tiny spark of hope that seems to spring eternal, I’ve realized that places of employment do still exist where people are relatively happy and satisfied.   Thank GOD!   I feel like someone that’s discovered a priceless treasure!

I had a great interview yesterday at a small firm very much like this one, with one huge difference.  The managing partner isn’t a dick of epic proportions.   He is a nice man…wanting to make a good living….and treats his employees well because he realizes that hell…it just makes life a little nicer.  I wish these butt wipes could realize that too, but it will never happen.   It reminds me of an old bumper sticker that I saw that says, “Since I gave up hope I feel a lot better.”  I am done hoping for anything positive from I’m Tired, Buttwipe & I’m a Greedy Bastard LLP.   I feel so much better.  I’m on my way out, folks, it is just a matter of time now!   I hope I don’t sound like a broken record….things are in motion…I can feel it.

We are going to have a lot more fun very soon!  You do realize I’ll be taking you all with me on my new adventures, right?   Law firms are law firms….we’ll just have new things to make fun of!

To my incredibly amazingly wonderful Jewish friends and family – L’shanah tovah!

Signs of Screwdom

12 Aug

Yesterday, one of my secret plans came to a complete halt.  Bad Boss called me on my “work hours.”   Yes, it is the most asinine thing in the world based on several reasons that you all are privy too.   I knew I was screwed when I arrived at work yesterday morning to an email from the previous afternoon at 5:50 pm that said, “Are you still here??!”    Uh oh.  Uh, no…I wasn’t.   Being the passive-aggressive, diaper pooping baby that he is, Bad Boss was just setting out the bait for me.   Houdini, I am not.  First of all, the Man of Many Personalities SAW me leave at 5:20.    I do it all the time! 

Yesterday Morning scenario:  

I arrive at my usual 9:45ish.   Bad Boss comes flying out of his office and races the entire 30 feet to my desk and says, “What shift do you work??!”   Shift?   I didn’t realize we had shifts or a time clock and I’m a salaried manager.

Bad Boss:   “Are you quitting on me or something?”   Oh, God….how I fucking wish.  I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Me:   Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:   “Do you work 9:00 to 5:00 or 10:00 to 6:00 or whenever you feel like it?” 

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “Sputter, sputter, blah, blah, phhhhhhhhtttttttttttt, sputter.”

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “You need to tell me when you are leaving early or going anywhere or doing anything!”   Leaving early??  This from the man that never works 7 hours a day and disappears for days without telling me.

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss then races the 30 feet back into his office and slams the door and stays there for several hours.

Later that day….

Me:  Still sitting with blank expression on my face and silently cursing every tiny cell in Bad Boss’ body and thinking of anything I may have at home that I can sell that’d give me a couple months salary to fully do a job search…of which there is nothing.

Bad Boss:  “These cherry tomatoes someone left in the kitchen sure are good.”     

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no response.   Thinking in my head…”I hope one gets caught in your windpipe and guess who ain’t doing the Heimlich…”   I could write an entire blog post about things I wish he’d choke on….

Lastly, did he need me for anything at 5:50?  No.  Do we have ANY money-producing business?  No.  Is he just a controlling, mean bastard?  Yes.

Next Time – Pay It Backwards

Questions Not to Ask in an Interview

13 Jul

In a recent interview with a labor and employment firm, I was taken aback by how extremely conservative they were!   I had a to sign all types of crap and I was just interviewing!   Being excited with the thought of getting out of here, it took me a while for the whole process to sink in and to realize I sure as HELL do not want to work there…so, I took my name out of the hat.    What helped turn me off?

– Do you play a musical instrument?   WHAT?   I said..uh…no, why? and they said, “Well, you look “artsy” and I bet you hang out at so and so (well-known ecclectic area in my big city).   She proceeded to say, “Well, with your hair and your little black glasses…”  WHAT?   What’s up with my hair?   because it is short?   I have CUTE glasses.   People, I’m not an alien from Mars….my hair is currently short and stylish and I have glasses.  SO?   Oh, I get it..they want the old-fashioned legal secretary type.   Maybe if my hair was in

What's the problem?!

a bun and I had little reading glasses and sensible shoes they would have liked that better?   I could never relax there and the guy I would have worked for sounded far more needy than Bad Boss.  Dick heads….good luck to them!

Sweet Cooper commented yesterday that his wife was asked to sign an agreement stating that she would not get pregnant for five years.  WHAT?   Is that legal??  What are some crazy things you’ve been asked in an interview?

Oh, it looks like tomorrow is the day I’m coming in at 5;30 in the morning to assist with the move of our server.  What the hell time will I get up?? 

Tomorrow – More Classic Signs of Work Burnout

I Think Bad Boss is in the Running for “Single White Female II”

8 Jun

Guess who?

Yes, I know Bad Boss is allegedly male, but he should be cast as the crazy-ass if the movie ever has a sequel.   I’ve been keeping an eye on him and I’ve had yet another sicking realization about the type of person he is.   He’s a damn copycat of Bad Boss #2.   It is bordering scaryville.  Examples, you say?

 – Bad Boss has started going to the same opthamologist as BB #2. (and BB is NOT on the same health plan..remember, BB is covered under his wife’s policy).

– Bad Boss has started going to the same primary care physician as BB #2 (ugh..just count on me doing double the research for their stupid doctors..once for Bad Boss #2 and the same when Bad Boss wants to copy him).  I am still surprised when I have to explain to both of their dumb asses how to get to above doctor when his office is next to a MAJOR hospital in the area.  Even a brainless slug could inch his way over there without directions.

– Bad Boss now takes his black BMW to the same car mechanic place as BB #2 takes his black BMW.  Oh, they love to discuss their BMWs and the care and concern they receive at said mechanic…who they always make me call. 

– Bad Boss takes his car to the same place to be “detailed” as BB#2 and guess who gets to call and make their appointments?  You got it!   Oh, it sure makes me feel great to get to help them have their cars detailed.  I feel so accomplished and thrilled with my college degree. I wish I could call the detail shop on the side and beg one of them to piss inside both their cars.  I’d pay them handsomely.

Get the point?   Apparently, Bad Boss wants to be Bad Boss #2 (and BB is about 30 years younger).  BB already can’t run the office, can’t generate business, can’t hold his temper, can’t have a decent, sincere conversation and now….he can’t even find his own doctors or anything else that requires individual thought.  He has to do what his idol does.  Oh my God, we are completely doomed (which we already knew…).  BB’s idol sits in his office all day and watches youtube videos and reads his conservative right-wing blather and then they yuck it up about all of the above for hours.  Sad thing is that since I DON’T HAVE AN OFFICE…I have to steel my nerves to listen to them both talk about their doctors and every damn thing about their health now.   Time to buy some ear plugs.   I just try to nod and smile a lot.   Am I hateful?  You bet your ass.

Tomorrow – Typical Work Day of Living Dilbert

Words That Make Me Want to Vomit

10 Apr

We all have them…words that when we hear them, we basically want to projectile vomit on the spot.  I have several categories of vomit words, but for the sake of the narrow focus of this blog (corporate hell), I’ll stick with businessy-type words.

“Touch base, corporate interface, reach out, return on investment, circle back, best practices, think tank, power through, team building, think outside the box, bottom line and results-oriented” – those will be enough to get you thinking “Thank GOD it is fricking Saturday!”

Frankly, all of the above-referenced words are terribly overused and annoying as hell.  If you use these words in any business conversations, business meetings,  or business pitches, etc., people will think you are a jackass.  Try never to speak these words aloud.

Tomorrow – How to Fight the Sunday Blues

Pull This Out of Your Ass, Will You?

8 Apr

People, I bet this has happened to you…perhaps you’ve just not come up with a catch phrase for it.  Best Friend and I like to use the words, “Hey, pull this out of your ass, will you?” amongst ourselves when a Bad Boss asks you to do an impossible task with absolutely no prior notice.   Hmmm….an example of this would be when a Bad Boss approaches you at 12:15 to ask you to order lunch for 15 to be delivered five minutes ago.  Keep in mind you asked him the day before if he wanted to order lunch for this meeting and he said no.  Last time I checked, we are not a Subway.  I do not bake bread each morning, I just figuratively wipe butts.  Another example, “Hey, can you make this document do such and such?”  No, I can’t …the technology has not even been invented to do what you ask.   Apparently, if a lawyer has seen something done once in their entire lifetime, they think you can miraculously do the same exact task on the spot – no matter of your software, technical ability, number of staff on-hand, whether or not you have a mailroom, unlimited funds, etc.  It can be quite frustrating.  Better yet, is having a Bad Boss that will not take “no” for an answer.  Bad Boss does that all the time – maybe he thinks I’m playing the part of First Officer Riker on the old Star Trek Next Generation and he just stands towering over my desk like Captain Picard and says “Make it so.”  Well, this ain’t Hollywood, ass face.

Best Friend has an ideal response to such absurdity that she has used in the past and it is classic.  It goes like this – when Bad Boss comes to you with an impossible task that he uncaringly thinks you can just pull from your ass, proceed to look at him while seated, lean to one side to clearly lift a butt cheek up from your chair and slowly look at your butt, look at him, look at your butt, then look him in the eye and say “Really?!?”   It usually shuts them up for a bit.  Try it if you dare.

Tomorrow – How to Pass the Time in a Failing Business