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Fantasy Letters of Resignation

6 Apr

Let’s just pretend here for a moment…it keeps me going.   Here are some bullet points that would be AWESOME to put in a letter to Bad Boss:

1 – Clearly you have serious anger management issues interspersed with a personality disorder.   I am leaving you the names of several certified therapists.

2-May you rot in hell for all eternity.

3-When you were young, did you aspire to be such an asshole or was it just something in which you naturally excelled?

4-As I told people I was leaving you, I’ve never received so many high-fives in my life.  People were taking bets on how long I’d last working for you and I outlived most predictions.

5-No, I didn’t win the lottery, you are just that BAD of a boss.

6-Remember that $35 box of business cards you didn’t want to buy me?   Maybe you shouldn’t have.   I left them on your desk.

7-I’ve been telling my friends and many of your peers what an terd you are for months.  I wouldn’t expect too many more business referrals.

8-All the people that you refuse to talk to for months…all the call screening I’ve done for you, well…I gave them your cell and home number.

9-If you are anything at home like you are here at work, I’d save those therapist recommendations for your kids.   They are going to need it.

10-You will miss me.  You have no idea all I did for you and you still managed to blow it.  I never even asked you for a raise…and you sure didn’t give one.

Whew, just felt really good to get that out. 

Tomorrow – IT Hilarities

The UH OH Signs of Burnout

2 Apr

If you begin to experience any of the following, you may want to check with your doctor or therapist immediately:

1) You experience an involuntary twitch in one of your eyelids (or both) that lasts longer than 2 weeks.

2) When a Bad Boss rudely shouts at you, “I don’t have time to read your emails – what do you want?” and your fantasy response is, “To punch you in the face.” 

3) Anytime you see the boss or any other lawyer in the office approaching you, you immediately think “What the fu** do you want ?” rather than “Good morning!” or “How’s your day?”

4) You play the lottery more and more knowing the odds are stacked highly against you, but you don’t care because purchasing that ticket gives you a momentary glimmer of hope from the bone-crushing disillusionment you feel each work day.

5) You have to restrain yourself from making faces, flipping everyone off or rolling your eyes so far back into your head that you need to seek the immediate help of a ophthamologist.

[this will be an ongoing blog topic from time to time]

Tomorrow – Saturdays ROCK!

Brainless Coworkers

1 Apr

Actually, I should clarify – Useless Coworkers.   I bet most of you have one at your office too.  

10 Tell-Tale Signs of a Useless Coworker

1-They call in sick all the time and seem to have a knack for doing so when you need them most.  One cough from my Useless Coworker at her desk and I know…she’s going to call in sick tomorrow.

2-Cannot for the life of them follow instructions even if told 9 billion times.  Writing it down seems to make no difference.  Each time you try to explain yet again, they look at you with a blank face and act as if it is the very first time they’ve ever heard a human utter a word- like it is a complete surprise you created just to trick them.

3-If a Useless Coworker spots the slightest chance to leave early, they leave you in the trail of their dust as they break the speed of sound bolting for the door.

4-They are an IT person’s nightmare and the mere sight of them makes the IT person cuss under their breath.  They’ve caught viruses several times, broken their cd/dvd drive, think a hard reboot can be accomplished by unplugging their entire surge protector in which several things are powered.

5-They cry at the drop of a hat.  One Useless Coworker has been known to cry if she woke up too early that morning, anyone speaks to her in a different inflection of voice, you look at her funny, she has more than two things to do at once or if she’s had a fight with her husband.   She’s in her late 50s.

6-You dream daily of how you can get rid of a Useless Coworker and how you will dispose of her body in one of the big shredding bins in the back because no matter what, you believe in recycling.

7-She has had you order every ergonomic aid known to man, but still says that her desk doesn’t “sit” right and you often find her sitting on things other than her chair.

8-She makes it a point to stop by your desk about 14 more times than you’d like to tell you how hard she is working even though you work about 90 more hours a week and she races out the door 10 minutes early every day.

9-She can’t come to work if it is raining too hard, snowing , the sun is shining too brightly or anything else she can think of. 

10-They can’t think their way out of a paper sack.  They need constant direction.  “My printer is out of toner, what should I do?”   Uh…I’ll give you one guess.    

While I honestly support helping one’s coworker and the spirit of teamwork….sometimes…whew…it is a lost cause.

Tomorrow – UH OH Signals of Burnout

How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

31 Mar

My bosses have a golden lottery ticket in their hands and instead of cashing it in for millions (hell, even thousands), they casually decide to wipe their butts with it instead.  I do NOT get it.   You start a business that is now in it’s fourth year, we have no profit and yet you still do absolutely no marketing, no budget analysis, no consistent billing, no anything…you just sit around and talk about how awesome you are and far better lawyers than anyone in the city.   I came to work here hoping it’d be a success….yes, I actually believed in the product.   Too bad there was not a money-back guarantee.  

I was so full of hope and promise as the newly-appointed office administrator, but it has since been beaten out of me.  Bad Bosses love to bring up the subject of “projects” but they never materialize.  Am I a Disgruntled Know It All Manager?  Heavens no….but, I can state with all certainty that you have to seek clients to grow business, get your name out there to develop name recognition, that some rules are there for a reason in order to prevent total chaos, and one actually needs to send out bills to get paid.  Getting paid is what keeps us in business.  It’s a pretty tried and true business model.  Maybe I should just hand them $100 bills to flush down the toilet on a daily basis.

Is this just a hobby for them, something to do to feel good about themselves and pass the time because Bad Bosses are independently wealthy or have spouses with big-wig jobs?   For me, it was an investment.   Sadly, not a good one.   I can suggest improvements, money-saving procedures or anything that would help get us out of this flat-lining business until I am hoarse and sick of hearing my own voice.  Instead, I am doomed to suffer the same fate as the mythological character, Cassandra.   Granted the gift of seeing the future, yet no one ever believed her predictions.  It was said about Cassandra –  “She evokes the same awe, horror and pity as do schizophrenics, who often combine deep, true insight with utter helplessness, and who retreat into madness.”  Yep, I’m retreating.

Tomorrow – Brainless Coworkers

You Want to Put What WHERE?

30 Mar

Explain to me how one can be in office space the size of Rhode Island…and, yet, Bad Boss still wants to put his damn files in my drawers? I occupy a very small portion of our 10,000 square feet office. I don’t ask for much! I came in the other day and Bad Boss had moved all the stuff out of the two filing cabinets behind me and put his files in there! Yes, I realize he is the boss, but really? Now I have a new partner telling me he is going to move my filing cabinet so he can put his filing cabinet there. It is the oddest power struggle I’ve ever seen…besides the window space battle. There is plenty of other space in the office!  Do they not want to walk more than 10 feet? Is this some lawyer/staff version of marking your territory and pissing on a tree?

I should have remembered, because he did that to me at the last law firm we were in together as well, but I must have blocked that memory. Isn’t it funny how you tend to remember the good things about a boss if you’ve ever followed him to a new position in a new firm? “Oh, that Bad Boss is really a Good Boss when you clear away the fluff!” “He is just very intense.” “He means well…” – well, guess what folks?  He is the same person that used to bug the living hell out of you when you worked for him previously! Don’t romanticize it! Nothing like getting to the new position and after a couple of weeks (when the honeymoon is over) having a dim wattage lightbulb go off in your head that says “Oh yeah, he IS a royal pain in the ass. What was I thinking??!”   I’ve got to go move some files….

Tomorrow – How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

Lawyer Pissing Contests

29 Mar

Gosh, that sounds unpleasant, doesn’t it?   I’m talking figuratively, of course.  Lawyers running around the office beating their chests and demanding respect.   Let me tell you, it IS unpleasant…downright nauseating.  In my old law firm there was once a big turmoil between two partners on my floor.   Unfortunately, I was acting floor manager that day, so I was lucky enough to have to deal with it.   Hmmm…what were they fighting over?  Stealing of the credit for a new big deal?   One telling the other that he didn’t go to Harvard or an ivy league college, so therefore he was a lesser human being with limited brain function?   No.  One partner was unbelievably upset because he felt the other partner had approximately 1 more foot of window space than he did.  Yep, that’s right.   One effing more foot of window space – who gives a rat’s ass?  These are fellows making $800,000 to $1.6 million annually and they are upset about another office possibly having more window space.   Most staff wonder if they have enough money for lunch for the week.  Kind of puts things in perspective, huh?  

Other common pissing contest categories – who went to what college (you are nothing if you didn’t graduate in the top 2% of your class from a nationally recognized law school or university), who knows whom (name-dropping and who can drop the biggest) , new deals (who has what and who actually reeled it in), who has the nicest watch, who drives the most expensive car, who has a nanny and a housekeeper, and the list goes on.

Sirs, in the scheme of things, you have gotten so drunk with power and your self-perceived importance, that you can’t even see that these things DO NOT MATTER in life.   What matters is if you are a good human being, kind, considerate of the folks that make a gajillion less than you that work their asses off every day to help you….we don’t care about your window space.   Actually, we just think you must be really unhappy or have a small wee wee.  

Tomorrow – You Want to Put What WHERE??

What Do You Mean You Want a Day Off?!

28 Mar

Why is it that when I ask for a day off, Bad Boss seems to think I am speaking Arabic?   “You want what?”  Yes, I know it is hard to comprehend, but I’m actually not an android programmed for your mere existence…to always be here, to stay one step ahead of you, to read your mind, to anticipate your every need, and to never fail you.   I am merely human.  Sometimes I have a life and therefore would like to take a day off for something you are not aware of – rest and relaxation, a/k/a enjoyment.  One time I asked a Bad Boss off for one mere day (it had been several months since my last day off) and he said “no” before I could finish my sentence – PARDON??   He told me I could not have the day off unless I could get our giant law firm to personally guarantee that they’d put a fill-in at my desk solely to answer his phone in case it rang.  I was so furious I went back to my desk and fought back tears.  Now, of course, I am more jaded and would not hesitate to begin plotting my revenge on his soul and how to ruin his law practice. Luckily for me and as predicted, he did that all on his own later.  The only people that even called that bastard were his father and whatever dates he hooked after trolling a dating service all day while at work.  

Bosses, give your hard working employees a day off sometimes.  I don’t mean the usual employees that take every day off they can possibly cram into a year without hesistation and then some…I mean the ones that really are there for you day in and day out over the years.  Don’t question them about why they need it off, don’t groan, don’t do loud sighs, don’t be a pouty baby about it the rest of the day – again, you are shouting to the world just what an ass you are.  Just give them a quick smile, say “no problem” and tell them to have a great day.  You’d be amazed at the work productivity and loyalty you’d get in return. 

Tomorrow – “Lawyer Pissing Contests”

Bad Male Office Habits

27 Mar

I work with a lot of male lawyers and always have – they have some distinct habits, all of them unpleasant.   So I don’t sound totally bitchy, I will say this is not all men….just more than the majority.

1) Taking the front desk newspaper to the bathroom to read while pooing.   Sirs, UCK.  Do you think we don’t notice when you come by the reception desk, give us a hearty hello, pick  up the newspaper and then walk to the bathroom in plain view, come back in 20 minutes clearly pleased with yourselves (with folded newspaper in hand) and then put it BACK ON THE RECEPTION DESK?!   We don’t want to see it, touch it, (God help us…catch a whiff of it), think about it – we want it no where near us!   Could you try to be a little more subtle?

2) Dishes in sink.  Ok, I’m not sure if you noticed, but we are a small law firm and do not have our own housekeeping department to come behind you and clean up your mess.   It is demeaning.  We really hate it when you put a half-eaten plate of food by or in the sink…do you think elves come and clean it off or do you think the plate mysteriously cleans itself?  It doesn’t, rocket scientist.

3) Leave empty soda 12-packs in fridge.   I don’t know about you, but I have personally realized that if you don’t put shit in the fridge, it won’t be there for you to drink later.  The entire supply of sodas and waters is about 5 feet from your head by the fridge…if you drink the last soda (you can take notes if needed here), throw out the empty carton (that’d be the one with nothing in it) and put in a new one.  Please contact me if you need instructions on how to open said 12-pack.

4) Walk down the hallway farting.  Yes, we hear you and it is disgusting as hell.  Stop it.

I’ll close with four today…it is the weekend after all.   I just find it continually amazing that these guys cannot, will not, do anything for themselves – anything.   If you work in an office, sirs, just once in a while try to heed one of the above-referenced suggestions and you will be a rock star to the staff.   If not, we’ll just continue to think you are an inconsiderate bastard and talk about what an inconsiderate bastard you are behind your back.

Tomorrow  – “What Do You Mean You Want a Day Off?”

Get Out of My Bathroom!

26 Mar

Bathroom interlopers – we’ve all seen them…hell, we’ve all probably been them at one point or another in our professional careers.  (Side note: For the lack of a better term in my mind at the moment that is not merely saying “shit”…I’m going to use the word “poo” here several times. )   I’m talking about people that sneak onto my floor in my office building and go poo in my restroom!!   HELLO!   Our firm is the sole resident on a floor in an office building in a series of buildings – there are 5 women here.   I know who is supposed to be in the ladies room and who does not belong.  Frankly, I went years without pooing at my work place because I was too horrified to do so, but now…sometimes..well, I can only take so much of such pressure.  I’ve got other things to deal with and people in my face all day long, I just want 2 minutes of solitude.  I’m not going to clench and run from floor to floor.  If I’m crowning…well, I’ve got very limited time!  I’ve paid my dues!  Let me poo in peace if , God forbid, I have to go at work!   The last thing I need is coming face to face with some strange woman and the look of shame that is exchanged between us.   However, this is MY poo floor!  Not yours!   We pay our lease…go crap on your own fricking floor!

Also, to you bathroom cell phone users out there – don’t come in my bathroom and use your damn cell phone.  There is a little couch in our bathroom…and I mean little.  It is not like the sitting rooms you see in a Macy’s restroom.   Sometimes there are women in there when I race in and they are happily talking away on their cell phones – jesus, people.   What the hell?   This building has a huge lobby, a beautiful outside area – get your ass out there on the phone!  If I have to poo, I grumble obscenities and turn around and leave…I’m sure they hear me.   I have been working on a series of signs I want to put up in there.  “If This Isn’t Your Floor, Get The Fu** Out!”  “Pooing for 24th Floor Residents Only” “Do Not Use Your GD Phone In Here or I’ll Take It, Wipe With It and Flush You Both”   – I’m dying to do it.

For those of you that can poo with your head held high, whenever, wherever and however – I salute you.   

Tomorrow – “Bad Male Office Habits”

[I will keep posting on weekends…I enjoy this so much and I sincerely appreciate that it is making some of you have a moment of laughter!  God knows, we need to laugh more!]

5 Ways to Annoy Your Controlling/Conservative Boss

25 Mar

Actually, Bad Boss is annoyed by nearly everything and he switches it up on me at any given time.   One thing that may delight him one day can take a nasty turn and annoy him the next.   I try to make it a game.  One can never overtly try to get on his nerves or the Tasmanian Devil may be released and let me tell you, folks…it ain’t pretty.   I compare it to walking a tightrope…if you’re careful, you will get across and be cheered by the crowd…if you make a slip, you plummet to a painful death. 

Here are some common trends that I have found are usually effective in getting on his nerves in a very subtle way:

1) Openly talk with other lawyers in the office about how great they are doing with their business/hours (within earshot of Bad Boss)   – extra points if you can bring up a former lawyer you both used to work with and how their business is flourishing.

2) Make noise – be careful here – must be crafty.   Ice clinking in your glass at your desk, shuffling papers loudly, pen clicking…you get the idea.  Once Bad Boss came out of his office to tell me the ice in my glass was clinking too much when I was drinking – no  kidding.  I just figured it was one of those days when he couldn’t think of anything better to get on to me about.

3) Use two different size fonts when working on revision documents – just one word perhaps and I’m only talking 12 pt. to 11 pt. or use different spacing criteria between paragraphs.

4) Rearrange things here and there in the office.   Put the 3 hole punch just out of reach, move the electric stapler to another outlet….that type thing.   Unless you have “asked” him if you “can” do such things…it’ll bug him, I promise.

5) Mention Whoopi Goldberg or Nancy Pelosi in a conversation with anyone in the office within hearing range of Bad Boss.

That’s it for today…try a few of these things for your own delight.

Tomorrow – “Get Out of My Bathroom!!”