Honest Company Taglines

I should clarify…”Real Life Taglines for an Extremely Dysfunctional Law Firm” – new mottos for Shoulda Tried & Harder a/k/a Has Been, Has Been & Never Was:

We are just here for the coffee and free sodas!

Our firm really doesn’t want your business.

Our law firm is only for pretend purposes to fool our wives.

Book our firm, we won’t bill you and therefore it’s free!

We’d much rather talk about you, than for you!

We are better than you and you are stupid.

If reading internet news is your thing, we are your intown experts!

Sure, we seem nice, but in real life we are vampires!

If your company needs a professional ass-kisser, we’re your firm!

At our fine firm, we all went to Ivy League schools even though we can’t figure out how to fill a stapler!

If you need a firm that won’t even try and that will miss your deadlines, pick us!

Shoulda Tried & Harder, LLP, where losing money is our well-earned specialty.

Global? No.  Resourceful? No. Dependable? No.

Hey, if there is any honestly in advertising, they’d all be perfect.

  

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.

 

Dumping Toxic Waste

I do a lot of thinking on the drive to work each day.  Today was one of those “there’s got to be a better way…” days.  You know the ones?   My inner psyche telling me that I do NOT have to deal with so many life-sucking situations in my life.  (Ok, my blog is different….trying to make you laugh is my goal.)   The thoughts of the bad people that touch my life were swirling in my head and I thought, “I need to dump some of this toxic waste.”   

Examples of toxicity? 

1) Clearly..Bad Bosses…let me count the ways.   Oh, that’s right…they are countless. 

2) Acquaintances that suck the life out of you for their own personal needs, without nary a thought to you and yours.  People that are so negative about everything in their lives, I don’t just mean Bad Bosses.   You know, Debbie Downers, Negative Ninnies, etc.   “Woe is me…”  Really?  I could tell you stories that’d make your damn toes curl.

3) Useless Coworkers – Bad Bosses won’t fire them, yet you always have to fill in for them and fix their mistakes. 

4) People that love, love, love to hear themselves talk…but, they never say anything. 

5) People that promise the world and never deliver. 

6) Bosses that do the same.   Do they think we won’t notice?   Last time I looked in the mirror, I’m not the one with my head up my ass! 

I could go on and on with my lists, but the point is this –  if you have someone or something dragging you down and constantly filling you with a sense of dread, then it is probably toxic.  I’m trying to clean up some of this dead weight that I’ve been carrying around for years now – I know I’ll feel lighter.   I’ll let you know how it goes! 

Even he can't take it anymore.

On a lighter note, our firm has NO business this week and yet I continue to be the only one that feels a sense of panic!  NO phone calls, Bad Boss does not have one deal in the works..not ONE.  The other Bad Bosses are sitting in their offices perhaps hypnotized by the eternal silence and continue to do NO marketing.   Hell, even the roaches in the ladies room are beginning to die of boredom.   Here’s a shot from today – and this poor fella wasn’t the only one!   Can’t say I blame him.   It is all I can do to not go screaming through the office, “Do you realize we have no business??”   and then grab each partner by the lapels and say “Don’t you care?? ”  I’m dying here. 

Tomorrow – My Life as a Daycare Worker 

 

Words That Make Me Want to Vomit

We all have them…words that when we hear them, we basically want to projectile vomit on the spot.  I have several categories of vomit words, but for the sake of the narrow focus of this blog (corporate hell), I’ll stick with businessy-type words.

“Touch base, corporate interface, reach out, return on investment, circle back, best practices, think tank, power through, team building, think outside the box, bottom line and results-oriented” – those will be enough to get you thinking “Thank GOD it is fricking Saturday!”

Frankly, all of the above-referenced words are terribly overused and annoying as hell.  If you use these words in any business conversations, business meetings,  or business pitches, etc., people will think you are a jackass.  Try never to speak these words aloud.

Tomorrow – How to Fight the Sunday Blues

How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying

My bosses have a golden lottery ticket in their hands and instead of cashing it in for millions (hell, even thousands), they casually decide to wipe their butts with it instead.  I do NOT get it.   You start a business that is now in it’s fourth year, we have no profit and yet you still do absolutely no marketing, no budget analysis, no consistent billing, no anything…you just sit around and talk about how awesome you are and far better lawyers than anyone in the city.   I came to work here hoping it’d be a success….yes, I actually believed in the product.   Too bad there was not a money-back guarantee.  

I was so full of hope and promise as the newly-appointed office administrator, but it has since been beaten out of me.  Bad Bosses love to bring up the subject of “projects” but they never materialize.  Am I a Disgruntled Know It All Manager?  Heavens no….but, I can state with all certainty that you have to seek clients to grow business, get your name out there to develop name recognition, that some rules are there for a reason in order to prevent total chaos, and one actually needs to send out bills to get paid.  Getting paid is what keeps us in business.  It’s a pretty tried and true business model.  Maybe I should just hand them $100 bills to flush down the toilet on a daily basis.

Is this just a hobby for them, something to do to feel good about themselves and pass the time because Bad Bosses are independently wealthy or have spouses with big-wig jobs?   For me, it was an investment.   Sadly, not a good one.   I can suggest improvements, money-saving procedures or anything that would help get us out of this flat-lining business until I am hoarse and sick of hearing my own voice.  Instead, I am doomed to suffer the same fate as the mythological character, Cassandra.   Granted the gift of seeing the future, yet no one ever believed her predictions.  It was said about Cassandra –  “She evokes the same awe, horror and pity as do schizophrenics, who often combine deep, true insight with utter helplessness, and who retreat into madness.”  Yep, I’m retreating.

Tomorrow – Brainless Coworkers