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Take a Vacation From Life!!!

3 Aug

We all deserve a vacation, even the ever stoic Living Dilbert!   All of us, people!  If you are working full-time, part-time, not working, seeking work, an incredible housewife, a mom, a dad, disabled, in college, etc. – please give yourself a fucking break!  It’s ok!  Let go of all the “I should be”, “I shouldn’t be”, “I can’t afford it” bullshit clutter in your mind and do it!  It doesn’t have to be far away or expensive.  Find your place that brings you peace.  

Living Dilbert wouldn’t be Living Dilbert without a work story, so here is one of a million.  Kick-Ass coworker texts me to say Collassul C a/k/a Twatwaffle is in rare form today, meaning as a team member in our group she’s found even more ways to be a worthless sack of shit when it comes to helping with the workload of the team.   I created an entire email scenario that I sent to Kick- Ass to cheer her…but, I kind of enjoyed it.  

I basically know Sack’s arrival time and where she parks in work garage.  I drive to work and do some recon.  I lay low, far enough away so she doesn’t see me or car.  I learn her exact car and routine.  She arrives between 9:30 and 9:45 every day.  Her car and arrival times become ingrained in my memory and I proceed home to perfect my plan, which will take a few days.

I will return a week later (big garage and busy) in a rental car wearing a very believable disguise.  Hair shape and color will be altered, I will have a prosthetic nose and will have learned techniques to look 20 years older and I will lay in wait. She’ll arrive late (as always) and I’ll give it 11 minutes while she races upstairs to log in.  I’ll work fast to be certain she didn’t forget anything in her car, first checking for her security badge.  I know she’s desperate to log in because she fears she’ll be discovered as the Sack she is.  

I’ll get out of my rental car (in which I’ve removed the plate prior to arrival) and calmly walk to her car after glancing to make sure no one around.  I’ll pull out my long knife and quietly insert it once, like butter, into each tire until all four are done.  I’ll go back to car and calmly leave the scene.  Yes, dear readers, of course I’ll wear gloves!

She’ll come out promptly at 6:00, after feigning work all day as she has done for 13 years and knows it and proceed to shit in her pants.  I’ll crawl into bed that night and between uncontrollable giggles, fall into the best slumber in years and have beautiful dreams.   I’ll have to tell K-A after deed is done….wait….I won’t because I want her to have no knowledge.  If she mentions it during one of our delightful lunches, I’ll simply reply, “Karma, baby!”  and smile on the inside.  Don’t think me awful readers…the above scenario is a coping mechanism.  I looked for the slightest glimmer of good in Sack for 5 years…I swallowed many an urge to knock her flat.  Never saw a hint of good.  
Back to the first part of this blog.  Please plan a vacation of some sort.  Remember to see the beauty in the world, wherever that is….for you.  

I appreciate you – LD

Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi – I’m still here…working away.  Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.   Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.  It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!  I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!   Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!   Yay!   It hasn’t been has been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved asses in this world.   How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?  

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)  Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.  No one will have the heart to scold me.  Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.  I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.  

I miss you.

2)  I’m thin.  To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.  I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode – I snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends – hooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

 5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.  Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.  I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I do not know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.  Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping. 

 Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.   Peace out.

Main Squeeze reporting in

6 Nov

Hi LD fans — I felt that you all needed an update…

Living Dilbert is getting used to Living Life again!  YAY – with Bad Bosses out of the picture, we are able to enjoy life with a cup half full feeling.  Actually, what you all may not know is that Living Dilbert is a “cup half full” kind of gal.  But not with Bad Boss #1, #2, and #3 sucking the life out of her good disposition.

Let me fill you in on her recent full of life activities: she started her new job and is working her ass off –AND loving it!  We have just finished an awesome vacation — we ate at yummy restaurants, spent time with friends, saw a show, shopped, read and just chilled.  All this because Bad Boss #1 was not around to give her excuses as to why this wouldn’t be a good week for him for LD to take her vacation!

And as I sit here – knowing that I don’t have her gift of gab — LD wants you to know how much she appreciates you and still enjoys reading your blogs.

My Life as a Mummy….

20 Aug

In continuing the “My Life As” series, I had a total epiphany today.   I realized I might as well be an old Egyptian mummy here at Dickhead, Wanna Be and Good Ole Boy LLP.  We have so much in common.

1 – I am old and tired and awfully angry.

2 – I once lived a rich, fulfilling work life, but it has all dried up.

3 – I sure as hell want to curse all those around me and put all types of plagues on them.

4 – My hands are tied and my body feels bound and I’m stuck in eternity trying to make change.

5 – I want to be freed, yet I remain undiscovered.

I’m so tired of these fricking yahoos here.   There is so much passive-aggressive energy in the air from Bad Boss today that I am nearly choking.   If I WAS a mummy, I’d go in there and strangle him just like the mummies did in the old black and white movies.  I might throw him around a bit at first.   In the latest mummy movie series, that mummy could do some cool stuff. God knows there are enough roaches around here and I could tell them all to come hither and crawl down Bad Boss’ mouth or better yet, up the other end.   I want to scream today and all I can manage is a sickly moan.

July 4th, The Real Independence Day

6 Jul

First and foremost, I’m SORRY!  I’m late with this post and all excuses aside…I didn’t have internet for two days! 

Did you have a nice July 4th weekend?  I did, except for the 9, 456,319 mosquito bites I received.  Dear God.  I can’t wait til Fall.

Speaking of July 4, I am so very thankful that our country gained its independence approximately 234 years ago.   Living in the U.S., we are so damn lucky to have the Constitution too – you know why?  Freedom of speech, baby.   I realized that I am quite lucky I can totally bitch about my job, Useless Coworker (who is extra dumb as shit today) and Bad Bosses and not fear the repercussions of being killed or thrown in jail just for voicing my opinions.   Although I do complain bitterly about my job here, I still have the freedom to choose and for that, my friends, this is a great, great country.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back to normal again.   I’m not travelling for a LONG time !!!

Tomorrow – Useless Coworker Has Amnesia!!

I Think Bad Boss is in the Running for “Single White Female II”

8 Jun

Guess who?

Yes, I know Bad Boss is allegedly male, but he should be cast as the crazy-ass if the movie ever has a sequel.   I’ve been keeping an eye on him and I’ve had yet another sicking realization about the type of person he is.   He’s a damn copycat of Bad Boss #2.   It is bordering scaryville.  Examples, you say?

 – Bad Boss has started going to the same opthamologist as BB #2. (and BB is NOT on the same health plan..remember, BB is covered under his wife’s policy).

– Bad Boss has started going to the same primary care physician as BB #2 (ugh..just count on me doing double the research for their stupid doctors..once for Bad Boss #2 and the same when Bad Boss wants to copy him).  I am still surprised when I have to explain to both of their dumb asses how to get to above doctor when his office is next to a MAJOR hospital in the area.  Even a brainless slug could inch his way over there without directions.

– Bad Boss now takes his black BMW to the same car mechanic place as BB #2 takes his black BMW.  Oh, they love to discuss their BMWs and the care and concern they receive at said mechanic…who they always make me call. 

– Bad Boss takes his car to the same place to be “detailed” as BB#2 and guess who gets to call and make their appointments?  You got it!   Oh, it sure makes me feel great to get to help them have their cars detailed.  I feel so accomplished and thrilled with my college degree. I wish I could call the detail shop on the side and beg one of them to piss inside both their cars.  I’d pay them handsomely.

Get the point?   Apparently, Bad Boss wants to be Bad Boss #2 (and BB is about 30 years younger).  BB already can’t run the office, can’t generate business, can’t hold his temper, can’t have a decent, sincere conversation and now….he can’t even find his own doctors or anything else that requires individual thought.  He has to do what his idol does.  Oh my God, we are completely doomed (which we already knew…).  BB’s idol sits in his office all day and watches youtube videos and reads his conservative right-wing blather and then they yuck it up about all of the above for hours.  Sad thing is that since I DON’T HAVE AN OFFICE…I have to steel my nerves to listen to them both talk about their doctors and every damn thing about their health now.   Time to buy some ear plugs.   I just try to nod and smile a lot.   Am I hateful?  You bet your ass.

Tomorrow – Typical Work Day of Living Dilbert

My Useless Coworkers Have a Roach Fetish

25 May

Try as I might (oh..and I do), my coworkers seem to want our office to be infested by roaches.   It’s gross!   Gosh, what are some sure-fire ways to get roaches in your offices too?

1- Leave a half-full soda can on your desk for several days.   Bonus points if it is an extra-sugary soda.

2- Leave dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter even if there are only about effing 3 of us who even use dishes.  I KNOW who the eff you are!

3- Drop crumbs and nasty-ass stuff all over your desk and floor and leave it there.

4- Be a food hoarder.

5- Be a dumb-ass.

Any single item or combination of the above could result in some serious infestation.   Apparently, our former next door neighbors on this floor were brazen slobs and the roaches are starving to death.   A couple of folks have had to do battle in their offices with roaches the size of chipmunks.  Thankfully, this has not happened to me.  One good thing about sitting so out in the open…the roaches avoid my space.   Also, I’m not a fricking slob and I clean my desk and don’t leave anything behind.

One good thing about the roaches?   The other day, one nearly did Useless Coworker in…you’d think I’d hired the little bugger.   Useless came by my desk looking paler than usual and she told me she’d just used the ladies room and she’d had a dreadful experience.   She recounted with horror how she sat down to potty and a live roach dropped into her lap (from the ceiling)!   Can you imagine?    I smiled for days just thinking about it!   It made me giggle uncontrollably!   Worried that my karma will eventually catch up with me , I always look up when I head to the ladies room now and I do a full reconnaissance mission before taking care of any needed business.

Man, wish I’d had a camera in there.  Wonder which creature was the most surprised?  I already know which one is smarter.

Tomorrow – Dear Clients….

My Life as a Daycare Worker

5 May

I’ve often thought maybe I should be a daycare worker, but if the truth be known, I don’t always have a lot of patience.  Something I have even less patience for?  Grown-ass men acting like babies.  Rephrase – grown-ass, wealthy men acting like babies.   Lately, I seem to spend a great deal of time caring for them.   My God, if only I could send them to a time-out or spank their butts, I’d feel a little better.  

How can grown men executives be so immature?  I guess it’s because no one has the nerve to stand up to them.  Granted, in many law firms you can’t just tell them what you think because it will result in your immediate dismissal.  Instead, you must force some type of sick smile and take it.  

How are Bad Bosses like little naughty babies?

1 – Regularly throw fits to get what they want.  When Bad Boss is yelling, it is all I can do not to picture him stamping his feet or falling down on the floor and kicking his little legs and screaming.

2 – They can’t clean up after themselves at all.   I’ve seen 2 years olds do a better job.

3 – No concept of sharing.   The only two words they seem to know without a doubt are “No!” and “Mine!”

4 – I have to repeat myself over and over and over, yet they still look at me like it is the first time they’ve heard a human word.   I must answer the same questions 25 times a month.

5 – At the end of the day, they’ve filled their diaper with more poo than you thought humanly possible.   It is almost laughable some days to see them strutting around the office with a full diaper.  It’s all I can do not to hold my nose.

Do you have babies in your office too?   Do you regularly feel that perhaps you should have sought that teaching certificate and do something that matters?   Do you keep diaper ointment in your desk and pacifiers?    I do.

Tomorrow – But She Makes More Than Me…..

How to Go Poo While at Work

12 Apr

Gosh, this subject is so broad.  No one really likes to bring up the subject, but when they do it seems everyone has their own delightful experiences.  As I’ve mentioned in a past post, I try to never go poo at work if at all humanly possible.    However, when I absolutely must, these are part of my mantra:

* Make sure the coast is clear.  In the past, Best Friend and I were awful and would put an out of order sign on the ladies restroom door and if anyone even headed in that direction, the other (who was acting as the look out) would say “Oh, I’m sorry miss, there has been a hellacious flood in there…you’ll have to go downstairs.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”   It usually buys the other person a few minutes of tranquility.

* Timing is everything.  IF you have to go and the coast is actually clear, don’t dilly-dally in there!   Push and run!   Get out of there as soon as possible.   IF someone else comes in and you are actually caught in the stall, then you will have to play the game of “wait them out” and that can be a whole different, face-blushing disaster.

* IF you must go poo….please, for God’s sake, do so politely.   There is nothing worse than walking in prepared to take care of business and you innocently head to the stall (with very little time to work with) and there appears to have been wild rhinoceros that came in before you and poo’d all over the place!   I never, ever, ever want to see remnants of anyone else’s poo.  It is the grossest thing in the world, by far.   DO NOT LEAVE piles anywhere, and do not leave skid marks!  GROSS!   How anyone can think this is ok is beyond me.

* Don’t leave your little makeshift toilet seat cover made out of toilet paper hanging on the toilet.  This actually makes me heave.  I don’t want to see a half-submerged, make-shift toilet cover or an actual toilet cover hanging on the rim for dear life.   When I come across this, I start getting horrific mental pictures.   If no other choices are available, then I’m the one having to push it in with my foot while fighting my heaving reflexes.  Why do this to people?

Poo, poo quietly, get the hell out of there and don’t leave any mess!   We are all human and we all have to poo, but it can be done with a little consideration for your fellow humans!

Tomorrow – Getting Lawyers Their Lunch

You Want to Put What WHERE?

30 Mar

Explain to me how one can be in office space the size of Rhode Island…and, yet, Bad Boss still wants to put his damn files in my drawers? I occupy a very small portion of our 10,000 square feet office. I don’t ask for much! I came in the other day and Bad Boss had moved all the stuff out of the two filing cabinets behind me and put his files in there! Yes, I realize he is the boss, but really? Now I have a new partner telling me he is going to move my filing cabinet so he can put his filing cabinet there. It is the oddest power struggle I’ve ever seen…besides the window space battle. There is plenty of other space in the office!  Do they not want to walk more than 10 feet? Is this some lawyer/staff version of marking your territory and pissing on a tree?

I should have remembered, because he did that to me at the last law firm we were in together as well, but I must have blocked that memory. Isn’t it funny how you tend to remember the good things about a boss if you’ve ever followed him to a new position in a new firm? “Oh, that Bad Boss is really a Good Boss when you clear away the fluff!” “He is just very intense.” “He means well…” – well, guess what folks?  He is the same person that used to bug the living hell out of you when you worked for him previously! Don’t romanticize it! Nothing like getting to the new position and after a couple of weeks (when the honeymoon is over) having a dim wattage lightbulb go off in your head that says “Oh yeah, he IS a royal pain in the ass. What was I thinking??!”   I’ve got to go move some files….

Tomorrow – How to Fail in Business Without Even Trying