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Breathing Life into Living Dilbert

7 Feb

Ok, I think I’ve caught my breath.  Thank you all for waiting for me and
being so nice.

First, I’ve been reading all your blogs and have been so happy to keep
up with you.  I can keep up even better now because I am not in a
bone-numbing depression that makes me want to gauge my own eyes out and throw them at people.  

My life has taken such a turn.  I LOVE the new job and it couldn’t be
any more different from the days at You Really Should Retire, I Don’t Do Crap and Good Ole Boy LLC.  I’ve been here about 9 weeks now and I have to fight the urge to hug my new bosses every day.  We’ll get into that more
later. 

How have I managed some of my PTSD?  I actually have it…I’m not
kidding.  I’ve had many nightmares, found myself filled with anxiety and
the desire for revenge, and so on.  Classic symptoms!  

I may have done something a bit naughty.  You know how Bad Boss hates
recycling and anything good in the world?  He also hates people that drink green tea.  Don’t ask me why
the man is the way he is, but he hates people for the stupidest reasons I’ve ever heard!   I went to a
website where you can order all types of free catalogs and let me tell
you – he has a ==load of them coming his way!   To the old workplace, his home, etc.  He’ll never have another question about the following topics again – recycling, recycling at work, Big Boy suits, teas of every kind, erectile dysfunction and so on.  Oh, the look of hate on his face when he gets junk mail fills me with pure delight!

You know I have to find my delight in subtle ways.  I wish I could say I’m a big enough person to let bygones be bygones, but to hell with that! 

I won’t make this one too long, but I’M BACK and thank you again for the breather!   You inspire me.

Next Time – I Can’t Poo at this Job….

A special thank you to Heart of Gold for riding my ass…..I still had 1 hour and 55 minutes!

Things I’m Whole-Heartedly Sick Of

24 Aug

These are not only in general, but amazingly all pertain to Bad Boss as well! (what a surprise, huh?)  I’m sick to death of:

1 – Egos (never a good thing, always in the way, and greatly exaggerated greatness)

2 – Speaker phone conversations (shut the hell up or shut your door!)

3 – Hypocritical behavior  (tell me not to do something, then do it yourself – impressive)

4 – Fake, sucking up attitudes (does this really work for people, long-term?)

5 – People who strive to make things much harder than they ever need to be (refer back to the control issue)

6 – Total and complete lack of respect for me as a living, breathing human being  (put your trash in the can, your used toner cartridge away…not in bits on my desk…what am I your nanny or could you just not figure out how to get it back in the box because you are a total numb nuts?)

7 – Killing our environment (yet you have 3 kids – lead by example, you slob)

8 – Wasting time by repeating the same mistakes again and again and again (I have a list of these as well for your reference)

9 – A constant need for control (why don’t you control your temper, your bad attitude and a host of other things I’m happy to suggest while nicely attached to my foot up your ass?)

10 – Bad Bosses!!!!

Bad Bosses, life is too short.  We are here a mere instant in time.  Why do you have to make it so unpleasant each and every day when we are here to work for you?   People like you make me think that we will never evolve.

Global Warming is Caused by Hot Air

4 Jun

My jury is still a out on all the facts surrounding global warming and its cause and effect, so I am not prepared to make a statement about its validity.  I can, however, tell you there is a hell of a lot of hot air constantly blowing around here and this giant, beautiful, diligent, purposeful, persevering iceberg is starting to melt.

Between Bad Boss refusing to do recycling, personally throwing as many plastic bottles away as possible, the Ivy-League bluster, the self-inflated egos, the comment that “the oil spill isn’t that bad”, the Aryanistic blathering, the good ole boy back-slapping, the duplicate newspapers they toss and, finally, the steam coming out of my ears….the firm of Has-Been, Has-Been & Never Was (f/k/a Passive-Aggressive & Angry) is overtly doing their share to be certain our future is bleak.

How can I fight this evil nemeses?  Eagerly seeking all helpful suggestions.

Tomorrow – Reasons Saturdays Rule

Brainless Coworkers

1 Apr

Actually, I should clarify – Useless Coworkers.   I bet most of you have one at your office too.  

10 Tell-Tale Signs of a Useless Coworker

1-They call in sick all the time and seem to have a knack for doing so when you need them most.  One cough from my Useless Coworker at her desk and I know…she’s going to call in sick tomorrow.

2-Cannot for the life of them follow instructions even if told 9 billion times.  Writing it down seems to make no difference.  Each time you try to explain yet again, they look at you with a blank face and act as if it is the very first time they’ve ever heard a human utter a word- like it is a complete surprise you created just to trick them.

3-If a Useless Coworker spots the slightest chance to leave early, they leave you in the trail of their dust as they break the speed of sound bolting for the door.

4-They are an IT person’s nightmare and the mere sight of them makes the IT person cuss under their breath.  They’ve caught viruses several times, broken their cd/dvd drive, think a hard reboot can be accomplished by unplugging their entire surge protector in which several things are powered.

5-They cry at the drop of a hat.  One Useless Coworker has been known to cry if she woke up too early that morning, anyone speaks to her in a different inflection of voice, you look at her funny, she has more than two things to do at once or if she’s had a fight with her husband.   She’s in her late 50s.

6-You dream daily of how you can get rid of a Useless Coworker and how you will dispose of her body in one of the big shredding bins in the back because no matter what, you believe in recycling.

7-She has had you order every ergonomic aid known to man, but still says that her desk doesn’t “sit” right and you often find her sitting on things other than her chair.

8-She makes it a point to stop by your desk about 14 more times than you’d like to tell you how hard she is working even though you work about 90 more hours a week and she races out the door 10 minutes early every day.

9-She can’t come to work if it is raining too hard, snowing , the sun is shining too brightly or anything else she can think of. 

10-They can’t think their way out of a paper sack.  They need constant direction.  “My printer is out of toner, what should I do?”   Uh…I’ll give you one guess.    

While I honestly support helping one’s coworker and the spirit of teamwork….sometimes…whew…it is a lost cause.

Tomorrow – UH OH Signals of Burnout

To Hell with the Earth, I’ve Got a Law Firm to Run!

24 Mar

My boss hates recycling.   Let me rephrase that…my boss despises recycling.   He has expressly forbidden me to do any recycling of anything in our office.  Being that I feel responsible for killing future children and that my actions may cause our sun to die, I do it anyway.   One of the other lawyers sees me sneak out recycling bags late in the evening, but so far has not ratted me out.   I’m sure he will blackmail me with it one day. 

We drink canned sodas and bottled waters in our offices.  Everyone seems to want their own flavor of everything.   Bad Boss drinks as many 20 oz. bottles of water as he can swill a day and then happily leaves a trail of water bottles around the office like bait just daring me to collect them.  I’ve finally learned to try to wait him out and then I sneak them out of the trash.  Sometimes I take a look at myself and think “My God, I’m actually having to SNEAK recycling out of the trash!   What the hell?!”   If I’m not quick enough on my feet to outsmart him, he also likes to throw away our recycled paper before I can put it in the shredding bin.   It’s not like I make it hard to recycle!   I keep it neat and clean…it could be done with one release of his hand!  He tolerates a few blue recycle bins around the office, but he will not put things in there and he’s told me NOT to empty them.  

I’m also one of those “crazies” that returns the HP toner cartridges from our printers to HP for recycling.  Hell, they are paying the shipping, why shouldn’t I?  I get pictures in my head of landfills overflowing with the things!   Bad Boss saw my very tidy stash hidden under my desk recently and told me…TOLD ME to “throw them in the trash and they’ll go to the landfill…it won’t matter”.   Ok, folks…he has 4 young fricking kids!  I tried that argument about preserving the earth for his spawn, but he laughed me off and said that the ozone problems and the filling up of our landfills was merely a myth.   You know, I’d forgotten he was also a geothermal scientist!   Silly me! 

I wonder if I could actually get fired for recycling?   I’d hang my head in shame at the unemployment office and they’d ask me “Why did you leave your last job?” and I’d have to say “I recycled.”  

Coming Tomorrow – “How to Annoy Your Controlling Boss”