Tag Archives: bad business

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi – I’m still here…working away.  Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.   Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.  It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!  I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!   Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!   Yay!   It hasn’t been easy..work has been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved asses in this world.   How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?  

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)  Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.  No one will have the heart to scold me.  Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.  I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.  

I miss you.

2)  I’m thin.  To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.  I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode – I snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends – hooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

 5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.  Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.  I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I do not know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.  Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping. 

 Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.   Peace out.

Breathing Life into Living Dilbert

7 Feb

Ok, I think I’ve caught my breath.  Thank you all for waiting for me and
being so nice.

First, I’ve been reading all your blogs and have been so happy to keep
up with you.  I can keep up even better now because I am not in a
bone-numbing depression that makes me want to gauge my own eyes out and throw them at people.  

My life has taken such a turn.  I LOVE the new job and it couldn’t be
any more different from the days at You Really Should Retire, I Don’t Do Crap and Good Ole Boy LLC.  I’ve been here about 9 weeks now and I have to fight the urge to hug my new bosses every day.  We’ll get into that more
later. 

How have I managed some of my PTSD?  I actually have it…I’m not
kidding.  I’ve had many nightmares, found myself filled with anxiety and
the desire for revenge, and so on.  Classic symptoms!  

I may have done something a bit naughty.  You know how Bad Boss hates
recycling and anything good in the world?  He also hates people that drink green tea.  Don’t ask me why
the man is the way he is, but he hates people for the stupidest reasons I’ve ever heard!   I went to a
website where you can order all types of free catalogs and let me tell
you – he has a ==load of them coming his way!   To the old workplace, his home, etc.  He’ll never have another question about the following topics again – recycling, recycling at work, Big Boy suits, teas of every kind, erectile dysfunction and so on.  Oh, the look of hate on his face when he gets junk mail fills me with pure delight!

You know I have to find my delight in subtle ways.  I wish I could say I’m a big enough person to let bygones be bygones, but to hell with that! 

I won’t make this one too long, but I’M BACK and thank you again for the breather!   You inspire me.

Next Time – I Can’t Poo at this Job….

A special thank you to Heart of Gold for riding my ass…..I still had 1 hour and 55 minutes!

Day of Joy

4 Oct

I almost called it Day of Euphoria, Ode to Joy….endless.  I cannot even put into words how happy I am feeling today.  It is my LAST day at I Do Crosswords, Little A-Hole & I’m Just a Good Ole Country Boy LLP.   Having to stifle my massive screams of delight. 

How did the resignation go?   Certainly better than expected and since I have vowed never to lie to you or to embellish…it was downright anti-climactic.  I did have to tell Bad Boss that I needed to chat and that is corporate lingo for “I’m quitting your ass.”  He figured it out prior to our talk and was quite decent and wished me the best of luck.  He DID say, “well, I understand since things around here haven’t really gone as planned.”   REALLY?  “Haven’t gone as planned?”  How about it has been a 2.5 year living nightmare??   I can tell you that unless things change, which they won’t, this pooh hole will not be open in two years.

Ok, you will get more on this later because I suspect I will be feeling PTSS for many, many days.  

Some highlights from Thursday?  (I was off Friday and went to see Big Brother for the weekend):

I told Rough n Tough I was leaving and I was kind, gracious and decent.  Her response?  “I really don’t care where you are going.”  Uh…ok, and I walked off .   How about this?  I know you drink during the day and in your car on the way home and I’m going to tell!!!!  

Useless Coworker started crying the second Bad Boss told her, which he insisted on doing before I could get to her.  She cried every time she looked at me and had to go home at 3:50 because she was so upset.  Oh…she has many, many reasons to cry.  One big one is that she should have listened to me the 1,000 times I tried to teach her things that would help her.  Hindsight is a bitch.

Bad Boss #2 has not spoken to me or looked at me since.   Bad Boss has run around like a chicken all day so far asking me questions and I think reality is sinking in for his sorry ass.  I’m trying to stick with the good karma thing and already typed detailed instructions on the things I did that he needs to know.   Oh yes, he’s already lost the email and asked me to resend and to print it out for him.

Oh, the troubles they are going to have….and here I go again, stifling my SCREAMS OF DELIGHT!   More to come….

THANK YOU for your amazing emails, thoughts, and general shared hatred for these yahoos.  You’ve kept me alive.  I am NOT going anywhere, ok?   I will keep posting!   I still have LOTS to say.

To Bad Bosses:

SEE YA, you ungrateful, “my shit doesn’t stink”, stupid, thoughtless, little, judgmental, mean-spirited, selfish little elitist assholes.  I hope you make many realizations in the next coming weeks, but I suspect you won’t due to all of the above.   May they all give you a small pang of regret.  Furthermore, kiss my effing ass.

OMG!!!

29 Sep

So, you know they called me back for a third interview.  I was so excited I almost peed in my pants.   The meeting went well and I didn’t even get sick or splotchy…a good sign!  My hopes were dashed, however, when the main partner said they had others to interview and it may be a while.  CRAP!  I had my resignation planned with exact precision!   Didn’t they know that I was on a tight time schedule?  I need Friday off to go see Big Brother!  Bad Boss would never give me the day off…so, I was going to now have to feign a terrible illness…oooohhh, the pressure.   I tried to remain calm and talk myself down from the ledge….

I dragged myself back to Horrid Law Firm, with my head hanging low and sat at my desk with the best fake smile I could muster.   THEN…it happened.   My cell phone rang and I recognized the number.   I got up from my desk and raced to the storage closet!   On the other end of the line, I heard the sweetest words I’ve ever heard, “Living Dilbert, is that you?  The partners really enjoyed getting to know you more and WE’D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE JOB!!”  After regaining the use of my speaking abilities….I happily accepted!  IT HAS HAPPENED !!!   I GOT THE JOB!!!

Today is going to be a Bad Day for Bad Boss….resignation will follow in early afternoon….stay tuned!!!

Signs of Anarchy

15 Sep

Best Friend loves “Sons of Anarchy” and it got me thinking this morning. I’m dangerously starting to show Signs of Anarchy.   How so?

More and more….I just don’t care.   YES, I would love the new job at that place and am praying, literally praying and Main Squeeze did a vision board that I get the job.   The decision date by said firm is 9/20.   Isn’t it dangerous to start acting so wildly like I don’t care about this butt crust of a place anymore?  I’ve had to stifle my pat response now a couple of times…the words dance around my tongue and come dangerously close to escaping my lips more and more.   It may happen…Rough N Tough has been pushing my buttons.   She is rude, crude and just itching for a bar brawl.   Next time she approaches me with a request or a negative comment, I so want to say, “You know what RnT?   I really don’t give a shit anymore.  Why don’t you go eff yourself?”  God, that made me feel so good just to write it!   For some reason she has stopped talking to me, a blessing in itself, but it also makes me wonder, “What the fu** did I do?”   Want to know the only person in this office lately that has even noted my mere existence?   Useless Coworker!  Folks, I have to change my allegiance regarding UC…she’s listened, been learning new things and actually seems to care about me. When Main Squeeze’s aunt passed away, she was the only one that asked me how we were…who EVER asks me how I am.  Hell, she hasn’t even been useless in about 6 weeks.  I have to give the girl credit.   Rough N Tough is now tops on my “you suck” list.  

Other signs of trouble?   I don’t even care what I wear to work anymore.  I used to like dressing all fancy and lawyerish…but, now as long as my body is covered with some form of fabric, I could give a crap.   Maybe I’ll wear the same pants all week and just change my shirt.  If it’s clean…it works.   Am I turning into a straight guy?

Bad Bosses ask me to do things and I blatantly lie through my teeth.  “Oh, that pocket part update?   You haven’t gotten it yet?!  Really?!   Well, I ordered it!”   Folks, I didn’t order any damn publications!  I don’t care!!!  I guess I’ll have to order it today, but should have 6 weeks ago.   I’ve been having far more fun readjusting Rough N Tough’s printer each day after she leaves.  Did any of you see “Serial Mom”?  That is who I am becoming.  On my way to work, all I could think is..what can I do today to torture another person in my office?   My karma is taking a beating!   Oh well, I’ll work on karma in my next job.  Being a decent human being only hurts me here.

There IS a World Out There

8 Sep

I’m so thankful to say that I’ve made a huge realization in the last two weeks.   There IS a world out there…a happy, functioning, grateful, well-oiled working world out there.  Of course, I am NOT talking about this crater of molten hell.   My views are entrenched more than ever on that fact.   

I’m just simply amazed that I’ve been lucky enough to have three amazing interviews in the last couple of weeks.  While interviewing and meeting these folks, I drank in every detail possible and you know what?   They were healthy places….healthy, I tell you!   Yes, I know…no place is perfect, but I’m talking about a concept I really lost complete hope in without even realizing it.  Through the right combination of much-needed anti-depressants, therapy, incredible friends , you all and my little tiny spark of hope that seems to spring eternal, I’ve realized that places of employment do still exist where people are relatively happy and satisfied.   Thank GOD!   I feel like someone that’s discovered a priceless treasure!

I had a great interview yesterday at a small firm very much like this one, with one huge difference.  The managing partner isn’t a dick of epic proportions.   He is a nice man…wanting to make a good living….and treats his employees well because he realizes that hell…it just makes life a little nicer.  I wish these butt wipes could realize that too, but it will never happen.   It reminds me of an old bumper sticker that I saw that says, “Since I gave up hope I feel a lot better.”  I am done hoping for anything positive from I’m Tired, Buttwipe & I’m a Greedy Bastard LLP.   I feel so much better.  I’m on my way out, folks, it is just a matter of time now!   I hope I don’t sound like a broken record….things are in motion…I can feel it.

We are going to have a lot more fun very soon!  You do realize I’ll be taking you all with me on my new adventures, right?   Law firms are law firms….we’ll just have new things to make fun of!

To my incredibly amazingly wonderful Jewish friends and family – L’shanah tovah!

Look’s Like We Made It…

3 Sep

We fricking made it to Friday!!!  Plus, it’s a 3-dayer !   Hot damn!   How has your week been?  

Today I’m trying not to be an angry, hateful troll.  Why would I ever be angry?   BECAUSE, once again, I find myself the only staff person in the office.   Why are we even open?   All I’m going to do today is stare off into space.  Only Bad Boss #2 is here and he’s already watching videos on his computer.  I can hear the laugh track from here!   Since I’ve been awful about blogging this week…let’s just catch you up on some highlights:

1 – I had two interviews at the same law firm and I’m praying like mad that I can get this job.  I’m afraid to even mention it in case I jinx it.  It would be an amazing opportunity with lawyers that actually care about their practice and the firm and the employees.  Trust me, I spent about 4 hours there….I could tell they cared.   It was like being a small child at Walt Disney World.  I had to stifle my screams of excitement.   During the last part of meeting the attorneys, I strongly considered offering a bribe for the position…but, realized I have nothing of financial value to offer.  They’ll just have to settle for me and I leave it up to the universe (and maybe several bouts of praying and chanting this weekend).  

2 – Had my annual gyno and it was a doozy.  Nothing like being embarrassed to death in the first place.  My lady gyno brought in a guest doctor too – hell, the more the merrier!   I was still trying not to die on the table when she said, “We have to do a uterine biopsy right now.”  WHAT?  I’ve had two of those people and I’ve always, always had either pain meds or a valium first!   Oh no!!!   Well, I hope they didn’t mind that I screamed “sh**” and “fu**” during the procedure….and I did apologize, but it was better than punching them in the face, right?   Hopefully, all will be fine…they just want to prove I’m 45 from the inside I guess.   In three weeks I have the joy of another appointment…with a new instrument of torture…ultrasound from the inside!  I’ve had the before too….I told them, “Gee, it’s a $600 embarrassing, violating test and I don’t even get dinner and a movie first!”  

Can you tell I’ve just decided to tell you all pretty much everything?  Why not, we are all friends here!   Plus, I have to try to make rough moments funny.  I hope it is working.

Ok, back to staring into space.    Do we have any business this week?  No.  Did we get any payments this week?  No. 

What are your plans this weekend?

A Good Week?

4 Aug

Hell, I never thought I’d title a post like this – ever….not while working for Bad Boss anyway.   Miracles are among us, people.   Bad Boss has only called me ONCE this week and it is Wednesday.  No one has cried or screamed my name to have me fix their computer either.  I’m being LEFT ALONE and I’m soaking it up like a very happy sponge that has not seen any water in an eon.

Highlights so far this week?

– I’ve been out to lunch everyday with amazing folks.  Today I had a Malaysian Sloppy Joe…GOD, was it good too.  Guess what it was paired with ?   No, not beer…but, I was tempted.   Tater tots!   I LOVE tater tots!   So much for if you ever thought I was fancy. 

– By turning in Coke Reward points from the Cokes that Bad Boss insists we have for the office, I bought myself a little download computer game from Gamehouse.   Silly, but it’s called Rainforest Adventure and it has kept me busy for hours like a hamster in a wheel.

– I just bought myself a little treat – delicious fruit smoothie from downstairs.  Don’t get me wrong, the brownies still called to me, but I was happy having a somewhat healthy thing !   God, I must actually be happy.

These are all odd things for Living Dilbert to experience at work and I can only assume we’ll go out of business soon.  It is not right for me to work these short days and play games all day….is it?  

The Living Dilbert we’ve grown to love is still here…don’t you worry, but she is appreciating a break this week.   My break if fueling my creative spirit.   Sorry, back to my game….I’ve got to beat it!    I hope you, my very appreciated co-workers, are getting a break this week too.  Are you?

Next Time – Business Getting Company Taglines

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

3 Aug

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.