Tag Archives: bad habits

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

Living Dilbert’s Vices

18 Jun

1 – Wine or cheap beer  (whichever is the best buy, cash discount is a bonus)

2 -Sleeping pills (thank God for pharmaceuticals)

3-Crosswords (yes, they relax my mind)

4-Warm kittens (rescues are the best)

5-A full plethora of obscenities on my tongue (or in my mind ready to be spouted)

6-Carbs (the more sugar, the better)

7-Bad television (meaning any reality show with people whose lives are clearly worse than mine)

8-Carbs (repeated for effect)

9-Voodoo dolls (I have four at home – you can guess for who)

10-Your blogs (they keep me laughing…thank you)

Just a few of the things that help me get through the day without committing murder or my own demise!  I could go on and on and they’d worsen as I go, but I’ll save them for a Part II.  Do I sound like a bitter old lady?   I’m not! (old, that is…)

Tomorrow – Can You Say Vacation???  (changed from earlier topic…)

You May Think I Don’t Notice, But….

20 May

I do.  Bad Boss thinks he is quite the clever one, but I can outsmart him.  Yep, I’m going to do another “list” because I feel listish this week and I think it is more fun for the reader sometimes.  Ok with you?

Bad Boss, you may think I don’t notice, but…..

1) We have no business.  I know it, you know it and I still can’t believe you aren’t freaking out.   Are we a front for a Mexican drug cartel?

2) You have me order styrofoam cups for the office and then  take them home with you to use there, too.  It is your firm, but this is one more thing I will use in my column of reasons why I don’t respect you.   I don’t like styrofoam in the first place.   Oh, that’s right…you could give a rat’s ass about the future environment of our world.

3) You pay yourself a lot of money while riding on the others’ coat tails.  Well played.

4) I dislike you more and more each day.   When I’m not planning your demise, I feel a little sorry for you.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism of mine.  Hate is a damaging emotion to carry around Monday-Friday.

5) You are fake and I know all your signs.  You pretend to be interested in people’s lives, but you give away your true feelings when you yawn while speaking and then randomly insert the person’s name during the conversation.  Classic ploy to make them think you are paying attention.  When you talk to me and use my name in a sentence, I almost have to fight my snickers.  Who ELSE are you talking to?  Do you think one of us will forget?

6) You often leave early and come in late.

7) You short-change me every chance you get and then pretend it was an innocent mistake.

8) You do not get along well with your parents and I think you may suffer from a deep resentment towards them.   There is also some underlying sibling rivalry sprinkled in there regarding your brothers.  For God’s sake man, call them more!   Your parents are older, in poor health and you are really going to miss them when they are gone.  Don’t waste time.  Be a decent son, instead of a petulant child.

9) You are NOT a team player.

10) Ok, I’ll do a nice one (just so I don’t screw up my karma for life)….you are a good-looking guy and you don’t seem to get it at all.   It is one thing you have going for you.   If you primped all the time, I’d go more nuts than I already am.   You are not outwardly a pig either…which I appreciate.

Tomorrow – Not Sure Who You Think I Am, But….(Part II)