Tag Archives: bathroom humor

Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi – I’m still here…working away.  Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.   Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.  It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!  I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!   Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!   Yay!   It hasn’t been easy..work has been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved asses in this world.   How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?  

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)  Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.  No one will have the heart to scold me.  Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.  I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.  

I miss you.

2)  I’m thin.  To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.  I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode – I snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends – hooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

 5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.  Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.  I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I do not know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.  Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping. 

 Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.   Peace out.

What Was That?!

24 Sep

Ok, I have not been a good blogger the last couple weeks.  I’m in total limbo…waiting, watching, hoping for the new job.  Good news is that they called me and want me to come back a third time to have lunch with the two main partners.  I hope it is a good sign and I’m starting to envision my plan.  

In the meantime, to keep from completely snapping….I try to mind my own business at my desk.  “Just lay low,” I whisper to myself.    This was my total mindset today until IT happened.   IT, you ask?    Yes…believe it or not, whilst in hell already, I was just subjected to hearing a roaring, loud, drawn-out, disgusting fart from Bad Boss #3’s office.   Did I hear that right???  Could this really be happening??   Do I matter that little?  

It took everything I had in me to NOT shout, “That’s the last god damn thing I needed to hear around here – although it is quite a fitting commentary on our business model and your law practice.”   I didn’t though…I need this job til next week.

I hope this horridness never happens to you.  If so, be strong my friends.   Not everyone could do this job.  Remember, it’s nearly the weekend.  I pray I can forget that repulsive sound by tomorrow….

My Useless Coworkers Have a Roach Fetish

25 May

Try as I might (oh..and I do), my coworkers seem to want our office to be infested by roaches.   It’s gross!   Gosh, what are some sure-fire ways to get roaches in your offices too?

1- Leave a half-full soda can on your desk for several days.   Bonus points if it is an extra-sugary soda.

2- Leave dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter even if there are only about effing 3 of us who even use dishes.  I KNOW who the eff you are!

3- Drop crumbs and nasty-ass stuff all over your desk and floor and leave it there.

4- Be a food hoarder.

5- Be a dumb-ass.

Any single item or combination of the above could result in some serious infestation.   Apparently, our former next door neighbors on this floor were brazen slobs and the roaches are starving to death.   A couple of folks have had to do battle in their offices with roaches the size of chipmunks.  Thankfully, this has not happened to me.  One good thing about sitting so out in the open…the roaches avoid my space.   Also, I’m not a fricking slob and I clean my desk and don’t leave anything behind.

One good thing about the roaches?   The other day, one nearly did Useless Coworker in…you’d think I’d hired the little bugger.   Useless came by my desk looking paler than usual and she told me she’d just used the ladies room and she’d had a dreadful experience.   She recounted with horror how she sat down to potty and a live roach dropped into her lap (from the ceiling)!   Can you imagine?    I smiled for days just thinking about it!   It made me giggle uncontrollably!   Worried that my karma will eventually catch up with me , I always look up when I head to the ladies room now and I do a full reconnaissance mission before taking care of any needed business.

Man, wish I’d had a camera in there.  Wonder which creature was the most surprised?  I already know which one is smarter.

Tomorrow – Dear Clients….

The Power of a Smile

15 May

I know, I know…I was supposed to keep a Saturday theme going where I talk about superheroes!   However, this thought just jumped at me the other day and it does actually involve a super power. 

Every day, not only am I faced with my share of abnormal bad behavior, I am besieged with frowns.   Uck.  Not just any frown either, Bad Boss frowns.  Wouldn’t it be lovely if the thought actually occured to them to smile just once in a while?   Can you imagine the impact it could have on their surroundings?   I can.  They can’t.   It is a tragedy because they have everything going for them (outside of being horrid businessmen).  They have money, good health, wives that seem to love them despite their mean personalities, huge homes, multiple cars, etc.  There is a lot to smile about!  It doesn’t even cost anything and we know they are cheap!  

You know what I try to do each and every day, even when I feel pretty crappy?   I try to smile at someone.   Sounds a bit gross for Living Dilbert?   Well, underneath this sarcastic, cynical exterior…Living Dilbert still has a heart.  Plus, I have the ability to see past my miserable work life!  

Want an example?   Every day when I go downstairs in my mountain of buildings, I love to see my favorite folks and smile and say hello.   Bad Bosses would never dream of saying hello to a cleaning person or food court worker.  These wonderful human beings are my favorites!  Rich with personality and stories and kindness.  Bad Bosses don’t know what they are missing by passing these far more wealthy (in heart) people each day.  Do yourself a favor if you don’t already do this  – say “hello” to someone you do not know at all and give them a smile.   You’ll be amazed at the power it can generate.

Tomorrow – Taking Back Sunday

How to Go Poo While at Work

12 Apr

Gosh, this subject is so broad.  No one really likes to bring up the subject, but when they do it seems everyone has their own delightful experiences.  As I’ve mentioned in a past post, I try to never go poo at work if at all humanly possible.    However, when I absolutely must, these are part of my mantra:

* Make sure the coast is clear.  In the past, Best Friend and I were awful and would put an out of order sign on the ladies restroom door and if anyone even headed in that direction, the other (who was acting as the look out) would say “Oh, I’m sorry miss, there has been a hellacious flood in there…you’ll have to go downstairs.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”   It usually buys the other person a few minutes of tranquility.

* Timing is everything.  IF you have to go and the coast is actually clear, don’t dilly-dally in there!   Push and run!   Get out of there as soon as possible.   IF someone else comes in and you are actually caught in the stall, then you will have to play the game of “wait them out” and that can be a whole different, face-blushing disaster.

* IF you must go poo….please, for God’s sake, do so politely.   There is nothing worse than walking in prepared to take care of business and you innocently head to the stall (with very little time to work with) and there appears to have been wild rhinoceros that came in before you and poo’d all over the place!   I never, ever, ever want to see remnants of anyone else’s poo.  It is the grossest thing in the world, by far.   DO NOT LEAVE piles anywhere, and do not leave skid marks!  GROSS!   How anyone can think this is ok is beyond me.

* Don’t leave your little makeshift toilet seat cover made out of toilet paper hanging on the toilet.  This actually makes me heave.  I don’t want to see a half-submerged, make-shift toilet cover or an actual toilet cover hanging on the rim for dear life.   When I come across this, I start getting horrific mental pictures.   If no other choices are available, then I’m the one having to push it in with my foot while fighting my heaving reflexes.  Why do this to people?

Poo, poo quietly, get the hell out of there and don’t leave any mess!   We are all human and we all have to poo, but it can be done with a little consideration for your fellow humans!

Tomorrow – Getting Lawyers Their Lunch

IT Hilarities

7 Apr

I bet a lot of you have experienced people in your office that you wonder how they have ever mastered anything on a computer, much less anything with electricity.  I certainly have.

There are two lawyers and one coworker that seem to constantly find new ways to nearly make my head nearly spin off.  I’ve learned to just fix their problems with a smile and a nod and they think I’m a rock star.   How did I learn so much about IT…I think it has something to do with good ole natural selection.

* One partner approaches me every other month to tell me his printer has just plain stopped working – nothing, dead as a door nail.  I roll up my sleeves, ready to do a major repair and low and behold…it is turned off.  Yep, just turned off and it never occurs to him that there is such a simple fix as turning it back on.  I order him to leave his office while I work on it…turn it on and then tell him I’ve fixed it.

* One day, another partner was quite irate that he was not getting any emails – he shouts to me from his office (rather than ever use the phone) to email him to see if the email goes through.  I do ask he asks and he shouts, “I heard the email come in, but there is no email.  Something is really wrong!”   I tell him to move aside to let me look at it and I see he’s NOT IN HIS INBOX…he’s in some obtuse folder!   HELLO – must be in your inbox to see new emails!

* Another favorite is that everyone in the office seems to have appointed me The Master of the Electric Stapler.   One boss tells me all the time that it’s not working again.  I quietly get up from my desk, reload the empty stapler with staples and VIOLA…it is like having a brand new electic stapler in the office.  Ha, and to think…he went to Harvard and I merely went to a state school.

It is true what they say too….I’ve fixed tons of things by turning it off and then turning it on again.  All those IT guys at my big law firm weren’t just pulling my leg!

Fellow Office Administrators and Secretaries….you too, can be an IT mastermind, if you encounter some of these same highly-technical issues.

Tomorrow – Hey, Why Don’t You Just Pull This Out of Your Ass?!

Get Out of My Bathroom!

26 Mar

Bathroom interlopers – we’ve all seen them…hell, we’ve all probably been them at one point or another in our professional careers.  (Side note: For the lack of a better term in my mind at the moment that is not merely saying “shit”…I’m going to use the word “poo” here several times. )   I’m talking about people that sneak onto my floor in my office building and go poo in my restroom!!   HELLO!   Our firm is the sole resident on a floor in an office building in a series of buildings – there are 5 women here.   I know who is supposed to be in the ladies room and who does not belong.  Frankly, I went years without pooing at my work place because I was too horrified to do so, but now…sometimes..well, I can only take so much of such pressure.  I’ve got other things to deal with and people in my face all day long, I just want 2 minutes of solitude.  I’m not going to clench and run from floor to floor.  If I’m crowning…well, I’ve got very limited time!  I’ve paid my dues!  Let me poo in peace if , God forbid, I have to go at work!   The last thing I need is coming face to face with some strange woman and the look of shame that is exchanged between us.   However, this is MY poo floor!  Not yours!   We pay our lease…go crap on your own fricking floor!

Also, to you bathroom cell phone users out there – don’t come in my bathroom and use your damn cell phone.  There is a little couch in our bathroom…and I mean little.  It is not like the sitting rooms you see in a Macy’s restroom.   Sometimes there are women in there when I race in and they are happily talking away on their cell phones – jesus, people.   What the hell?   This building has a huge lobby, a beautiful outside area – get your ass out there on the phone!  If I have to poo, I grumble obscenities and turn around and leave…I’m sure they hear me.   I have been working on a series of signs I want to put up in there.  “If This Isn’t Your Floor, Get The Fu** Out!”  “Pooing for 24th Floor Residents Only” “Do Not Use Your GD Phone In Here or I’ll Take It, Wipe With It and Flush You Both”   – I’m dying to do it.

For those of you that can poo with your head held high, whenever, wherever and however – I salute you.   

Tomorrow – “Bad Male Office Habits”

[I will keep posting on weekends…I enjoy this so much and I sincerely appreciate that it is making some of you have a moment of laughter!  God knows, we need to laugh more!]