Tag Archives: business

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

Signs of Screwdom

12 Aug

Yesterday, one of my secret plans came to a complete halt.  Bad Boss called me on my “work hours.”   Yes, it is the most asinine thing in the world based on several reasons that you all are privy too.   I knew I was screwed when I arrived at work yesterday morning to an email from the previous afternoon at 5:50 pm that said, “Are you still here??!”    Uh oh.  Uh, no…I wasn’t.   Being the passive-aggressive, diaper pooping baby that he is, Bad Boss was just setting out the bait for me.   Houdini, I am not.  First of all, the Man of Many Personalities SAW me leave at 5:20.    I do it all the time! 

Yesterday Morning scenario:  

I arrive at my usual 9:45ish.   Bad Boss comes flying out of his office and races the entire 30 feet to my desk and says, “What shift do you work??!”   Shift?   I didn’t realize we had shifts or a time clock and I’m a salaried manager.

Bad Boss:   “Are you quitting on me or something?”   Oh, God….how I fucking wish.  I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Me:   Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:   “Do you work 9:00 to 5:00 or 10:00 to 6:00 or whenever you feel like it?” 

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “Sputter, sputter, blah, blah, phhhhhhhhtttttttttttt, sputter.”

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “You need to tell me when you are leaving early or going anywhere or doing anything!”   Leaving early??  This from the man that never works 7 hours a day and disappears for days without telling me.

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss then races the 30 feet back into his office and slams the door and stays there for several hours.

Later that day….

Me:  Still sitting with blank expression on my face and silently cursing every tiny cell in Bad Boss’ body and thinking of anything I may have at home that I can sell that’d give me a couple months salary to fully do a job search…of which there is nothing.

Bad Boss:  “These cherry tomatoes someone left in the kitchen sure are good.”     

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no response.   Thinking in my head…”I hope one gets caught in your windpipe and guess who ain’t doing the Heimlich…”   I could write an entire blog post about things I wish he’d choke on….

Lastly, did he need me for anything at 5:50?  No.  Do we have ANY money-producing business?  No.  Is he just a controlling, mean bastard?  Yes.

Next Time – Pay It Backwards

Honest Company Taglines

5 Aug

I should clarify…”Real Life Taglines for an Extremely Dysfunctional Law Firm” – new mottos for Shoulda Tried & Harder a/k/a Has Been, Has Been & Never Was:

We are just here for the coffee and free sodas!

Our firm really doesn’t want your business.

Our law firm is only for pretend purposes to fool our wives.

Book our firm, we won’t bill you and therefore it’s free!

We’d much rather talk about you, than for you!

We are better than you and you are stupid.

If reading internet news is your thing, we are your intown experts!

Sure, we seem nice, but in real life we are vampires!

If your company needs a professional ass-kisser, we’re your firm!

At our fine firm, we all went to Ivy League schools even though we can’t figure out how to fill a stapler!

If you need a firm that won’t even try and that will miss your deadlines, pick us!

Shoulda Tried & Harder, LLP, where losing money is our well-earned specialty.

Global? No.  Resourceful? No. Dependable? No.

Hey, if there is any honestly in advertising, they’d all be perfect.

  

A Good Week?

4 Aug

Hell, I never thought I’d title a post like this – ever….not while working for Bad Boss anyway.   Miracles are among us, people.   Bad Boss has only called me ONCE this week and it is Wednesday.  No one has cried or screamed my name to have me fix their computer either.  I’m being LEFT ALONE and I’m soaking it up like a very happy sponge that has not seen any water in an eon.

Highlights so far this week?

– I’ve been out to lunch everyday with amazing folks.  Today I had a Malaysian Sloppy Joe…GOD, was it good too.  Guess what it was paired with ?   No, not beer…but, I was tempted.   Tater tots!   I LOVE tater tots!   So much for if you ever thought I was fancy. 

– By turning in Coke Reward points from the Cokes that Bad Boss insists we have for the office, I bought myself a little download computer game from Gamehouse.   Silly, but it’s called Rainforest Adventure and it has kept me busy for hours like a hamster in a wheel.

– I just bought myself a little treat – delicious fruit smoothie from downstairs.  Don’t get me wrong, the brownies still called to me, but I was happy having a somewhat healthy thing !   God, I must actually be happy.

These are all odd things for Living Dilbert to experience at work and I can only assume we’ll go out of business soon.  It is not right for me to work these short days and play games all day….is it?  

The Living Dilbert we’ve grown to love is still here…don’t you worry, but she is appreciating a break this week.   My break if fueling my creative spirit.   Sorry, back to my game….I’ve got to beat it!    I hope you, my very appreciated co-workers, are getting a break this week too.  Are you?

Next Time – Business Getting Company Taglines

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

3 Aug

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.

 

Going Undercover

26 Jul

The last thing I wanted to do this morning was to come to this crusty ole bunghole of an office.   Before the dread could truly seep into every cell of my being yesterday, I came up with a new plan (with some help from Main Squeeze).  

I’m going “undercover.”  What the hell do I mean, you are wondering?    Well, I can’t seem to leave here just yet, the oppression is depressing me to no end, I keep trying to hope for the better with Bad Boss and I am living the definition of insanity….so, I had to come up with a new ploy in order to effing stand it!  

I’ll let you in on a little something…I have realized I love to write.  It’s been pretty exciting to find something I love while here, rather than just commit assisted suicide to Bad Bosses.   God knows they are dying here…and a slow, painful death and I’m NOT going with them.  I would love to end up writing a book one day!   Perhaps an expose on Corporate America and the repeated patterns of failure and denial I see every day, but with a cutting edge.  Anyway, why not pretend that this dysfunctional, laughable poo hole of a law firm is just an undercover assignment!   I can listen a little more intently, pry a little deeper…who knows what I’ll find.   This firm is merely a means to my end…in a good way.  You KNOW these Bad Bosses provide great material every day!  

So, in the meantime…and a plan is nearly in motion, I will continue to report from the front lines!   Living Dilbert reporting for duty!

Next Time – You Want Me to Do What??!

 

Saturday Already?!

24 Jul

You know, having my sweet boob poked and being out a day and a half definitely had some positive aspects besides my very fortunate results.  With the flurry of appointments, it was Friday almost immediately and I didn’t have to go through that awful, dragging, endless time-space continuim that usually takes place Monday – Friday.  

I have got to find new ways to have the work hours pass more quickly.  Granted, now that I’m in my 40s time seems to fly by in general, but we all know those work hours during the week do not.  

Why am I thinking about this right now???   It is Saturday and I’m breaking one of my own Living Dilbert rules – “Do NOT think about anything work-related on the weekends!”    Sorry, it must be my brain trying to catch up from the missed work this week.  You know what will fix that?   Another cup of coffee, shower, shopping and Lifetime tv!

Hope you all have a wonderful Saturday – it feels so good to be writing again.  I think the spark may be back.

Tomorrow – Be Kind to Your Behind

More Classic Signs of Work Burnout

14 Jul

We all have them…unless you are one of the lucky few that adores your job.  If so, you probably aren’t reading this blog.  

1 – The words “redrum, redrum, redrum” echo through your head several times a day.

2 – The mere thought of climbing out of bed to head to work is so nauseatingly unappealing that you lie there an extra 30 minutes to try to come up with ways to skip work altogether.

3 – When anyone tells you anything in the office….you have to bite your lip to keep from saying, “You know what?  I really don’t give a fu**”  and that is pretty much how you feel about everything.

4 – You envision punching your Useless Coworker in the face at least once (or a 100) a day.

5 – When arriving in the mornings, you really want to say, “Holy sh**!  We are still open?  I’ll be damned!”

6 – You giggle with the thought of cramming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the tape slot where you’ve been making sure the server backs up each day because no one else can remember to do it.   I take that back, that’d be a waste of a damn good sandwich.

7 – You want to ask all your Bad Bosses and Useless Coworker, “Are you this stupid at home too?!”

8 – To pass the time, you start signing up for every piece of junk mail known to man to be sent to Bad Boss/Useless Coworkers’ houses.

9 – You want to say to Bad Boss, “Remember when you opened this firm and you actually believed you were going to be successful?  (laugh uproariously and wipe away tears for effect)  Gosh, those were the days, huh, you silly bastard?”  and then slap him as hard as you possibly can on the back and go sit at your desk.

10 – You giggle uncontrollably to yourself with the thought of any one of 1-9 listed above.

Yep, I’ve got it bad.

Tomorrow – My Life as a Garbage Collector

More Observations on How to Fail in Business Without Really Trying

1 Jul

If you, too, would like to have a business or law firm that makes NO money…here are some helpful tips:

1 – Finally mention that you should probably do a little marketing (after the phone has not rung for weeks) and then turn around and disappear every day and don’t tell anyone where you are.  Bravo!

2 – Putter around and don’t do dick in the office as one of the partners, other than watch the Kagan hearings on your computer.  Extra points for coming in at 11 because “you were watering your yard,” and then proceeding to leave at 3 to go “swim in your pool.”

3 – Continue to ignore your faithful staff that comes in each and every day and is constantly surprised by the fact we are still open and that there is not a padlock on the door.  Better yet, sit on your asses all day in dead silence with your thumb up your rear and then tell the staff that they are not getting a raise because “we can’t afford it.”

4 – Instead of talking business strategy with your business partners each day…have an hour long discussion on the best way to poison rats at your house, what shrubs you are growing in your yard, how once upon a time in 1978 you had an original thought that stuck or how you just got your pool resurfaced.  Can you REALLY not think of any other thing to talk about that may actually have some importance??

5 – Continue to pay our bills late.  It impresses our vendors so much that you didn’t even bother writing any checks for weeks because you are too GD lazy to ever use the software you paid thousands for when setting up this record-breaking office.  Extra points for bitching at me about having to write checks, when it is your lazy ass that won’t use the software…or let me help you.

You dickheads.  I know what you do.  Every once in a blue moon a teeny, tiny nearly untraceable light bulb goes off in your thick skulls that says, “Holy crap…I can’t believe we are still open…living the dream of running our own law firm without all those silly rules that we resented while at the big firms.  We better get off our self-righteous, pompous asses and do something in order to run our own, piddly law firm, gosh darn it!”  Then…dramatic silence.. what happens next, you ask?   Once again, they let the realization flitter away as a mere piece of fluff from their bellybuttons and repeat the same behavior.  Camera swivels so you can now picture me cramming my own fist in my mouth to keep from screaming.

Tomorrow – The Power of Positive Thinking, My Ass…

My Life as a Funeral Director

15 Jun

I seem to dress up dead people.   I have to breathe life into this place every day.   Although faced with dead people, I act positive and happy and think up cheerful things to pass the hours.  When the FedEx guy comes or the soda delivery folks come…I put on happy face and parade them through the office past the dead people. 

I know that when working with the living, I would actually get a response to my e-mails and maybe even a hello now and then, but in this place I feel like I have to fill them with embalming fluid and prop them at their desks in order just to have any company. I never get a response from Bad Bosses, so it is as if I am talking to the dead.  You would think that they would not notice if I am even around, but they are like horrible ghosts – they actually haunt me while I am at my desk.  They just linger — like the “shadows” in Ghost Whisperer.  I have to be ever aware and not let them take over the Shinies (my light).

So, here I sit at my desk and wait for the condolence cards to arrive.  What should the obituary say?  Passive-Aggressive & Angry spent much of their professional lives making others miserable.  They leave behind Living Dilbert, Useless Co-worker and a slew of unbillable hours.  In lieu of flowers, please make donations to the Living Dilbert Healthcare Fund.

Tomorrow – Living Dilbert v. Bad Boss – My World Cup Runneth Over