Tag Archives: corporate america

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

Signs of Anarchy

15 Sep

Best Friend loves “Sons of Anarchy” and it got me thinking this morning. I’m dangerously starting to show Signs of Anarchy.   How so?

More and more….I just don’t care.   YES, I would love the new job at that place and am praying, literally praying and Main Squeeze did a vision board that I get the job.   The decision date by said firm is 9/20.   Isn’t it dangerous to start acting so wildly like I don’t care about this butt crust of a place anymore?  I’ve had to stifle my pat response now a couple of times…the words dance around my tongue and come dangerously close to escaping my lips more and more.   It may happen…Rough N Tough has been pushing my buttons.   She is rude, crude and just itching for a bar brawl.   Next time she approaches me with a request or a negative comment, I so want to say, “You know what RnT?   I really don’t give a shit anymore.  Why don’t you go eff yourself?”  God, that made me feel so good just to write it!   For some reason she has stopped talking to me, a blessing in itself, but it also makes me wonder, “What the fu** did I do?”   Want to know the only person in this office lately that has even noted my mere existence?   Useless Coworker!  Folks, I have to change my allegiance regarding UC…she’s listened, been learning new things and actually seems to care about me. When Main Squeeze’s aunt passed away, she was the only one that asked me how we were…who EVER asks me how I am.  Hell, she hasn’t even been useless in about 6 weeks.  I have to give the girl credit.   Rough N Tough is now tops on my “you suck” list.  

Other signs of trouble?   I don’t even care what I wear to work anymore.  I used to like dressing all fancy and lawyerish…but, now as long as my body is covered with some form of fabric, I could give a crap.   Maybe I’ll wear the same pants all week and just change my shirt.  If it’s clean…it works.   Am I turning into a straight guy?

Bad Bosses ask me to do things and I blatantly lie through my teeth.  “Oh, that pocket part update?   You haven’t gotten it yet?!  Really?!   Well, I ordered it!”   Folks, I didn’t order any damn publications!  I don’t care!!!  I guess I’ll have to order it today, but should have 6 weeks ago.   I’ve been having far more fun readjusting Rough N Tough’s printer each day after she leaves.  Did any of you see “Serial Mom”?  That is who I am becoming.  On my way to work, all I could think is..what can I do today to torture another person in my office?   My karma is taking a beating!   Oh well, I’ll work on karma in my next job.  Being a decent human being only hurts me here.

I’m Special

10 Aug

In this hellhole of a place, I must say it is nice to know I’m special at times.   I’m so special here at the firm, that:

1 – If I’m out for a day or two, Bad Boss stays away too.   I don’t think he can come to work unless I’m here.  However, as you know, when I’m here he doesn’t let me have any power or really do much.

2 – No one can put water in the fridge if I’m not here.

3 – Or sodas.

4 – Or refill any coffee supplies or even put water in the Keurig machine.

5 – Replace any toners or paper.

6 – Go get the mail.

7 – Replace the back up tape.

8 – Keep their own computers operating.

9 – Send out their own personal bills for their homes.

and, last, but not least of all…..

10 – Wipe their own fannies.

It is funny to me that even in an office where no work is actually being done….that it can’t run without me!

Happy Tuesday!

July 4th, The Real Independence Day

6 Jul

First and foremost, I’m SORRY!  I’m late with this post and all excuses aside…I didn’t have internet for two days! 

Did you have a nice July 4th weekend?  I did, except for the 9, 456,319 mosquito bites I received.  Dear God.  I can’t wait til Fall.

Speaking of July 4, I am so very thankful that our country gained its independence approximately 234 years ago.   Living in the U.S., we are so damn lucky to have the Constitution too – you know why?  Freedom of speech, baby.   I realized that I am quite lucky I can totally bitch about my job, Useless Coworker (who is extra dumb as shit today) and Bad Bosses and not fear the repercussions of being killed or thrown in jail just for voicing my opinions.   Although I do complain bitterly about my job here, I still have the freedom to choose and for that, my friends, this is a great, great country.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back to normal again.   I’m not travelling for a LONG time !!!

Tomorrow – Useless Coworker Has Amnesia!!

I Can Breathe!

11 Jun

It is the perfect day.  I called in sick.  Made a point to do so at 4:00 a.m. on voice mail.   Sleeping late and looking forward to relaxing coffee and the newspaper.  

Ahhhh….sometimes it is nice to see life on the “other side” isn’t it?   You know, without the schedule…without the commute and without the corporate handcuffs.   Sometimes it is fun to pretend!

I didn’t even have to cuss anyone out this morning!  I bet my blood pressure is enjoying a little time off too.

Tomorrow – How Was My Interview?

Dear Clients….

26 May

Not only do I have to deal with Bad Bosses, I have to deal with Clients that set them off.  Please know that generally I like clients…and I do all I can to make them happy and pleased.  They are our bread and butter, right?

However, Living Dilbert hates Clients that just don’t use their head.  

People, if you are going to send us a “password-protected” document for our review, did it perhaps occur to you that we need the PASSWORD??   Instead, I’m stuck with a gorilla banging his chest because he can’t get into the document that YOU sent him.  See my quandary?

Another thing I’d appreciate from you, dear Client?   Please don’t promise Bad Boss you will send him something or call him and then not do so until a Sunday morning or a Friday night or anytime that is really pretty crappy of you.   It sets him off and who is his emotional punching bag?  ME.   I will really dislike you if you continue to do that and most certainly will resent you.  Plus, I can promise you he is going to charge you extra if you annoy him.

Lastly, don’t be mad at me because I have to ask you who you are when you call.  I can’t help it.  Bad Boss makes me screen all his calls and he likes to know “who is calling and what you want” – do you think I give a crap what you want?  Honestly, I have bigger fish to fry.   If you call enough times, I’ll recognize your number and greet you by name….but, most of our clients don’t stick around long enough.  

If you are a nice and decent human being, I will move heaven and earth for you.  It’s just in my blood from years of client service.   I love you when you are nice!  I know it isn’t your fault that Bad Boss is mean.   If you don’t agitate Bad Boss (a/k/a the hornet’s nest), we’ll get along just fine.

Tomorrow – The Suite Sweet Life of Useless Coworker

How To Pass the Time in a Failing Business

9 Apr

Sadly, I’ve been in this position twice in my career.  Now, I think I handle it better than I did previously because I know that a failing business is not the end of the world.   If employed at a failing business with no clients…how in the world does one stay busy and awake?   Here are some experienced suggestions to get you started.

1) Read. If you do not sit in the open or if you are the sole employee left in said business, this is a perfect time to catch up on all those novels or trash books you’ve been meaning to read.   Ultimate scenario is if said failing dump business is near a library or bookstore.

2) Games.  If you have an internet connection, which I pray you do since it is 2010, play solitaire and other mind-numbing games to take your mind off the impending doom.  I, personally, am the #1 scorer in an online crossword game on Great Day Games.

3) Watch TV.  This used to be a bit harder than it is today.  In 1998, while in a failing firm, thank GOD they had a TV so lawyers could play their stupid videos about cases that they felt made them look smart.  We were just thankful that if we wheeled the thing into certain parts on our floor, we could get a good signal for a few channels and if we were really lucky, watch The Jerry Springer Show and make fun of the folks more down on their luck than we were.  Now, we’d be out of luck with the new digital signal!   Try hulu.com….they have enough shows to keep you busy for a long time. 

4) Sleep.  Again, one has to be the sole employee here….don’t try this in the open if you have fellow coworkers that may rat on you.   Old failing firm had a couch and Best Friend would look at me regularly and announce she was going to sleep the rest of the day.  The woman would get up at the end of the day and have the pattern of the couch imprinted on her face.  I was too nervous to do such things because I was in my 20s and I still cared.  Now, I don’t.

5) Be thankful.  Be thankful you get to go someplace that pays you to sit there til they go out of business.   You have heating and air, electricity, plumbing…lots of regular comforts.  Remind yourself you are being paid an annual salary to do any of the activities suggested above (and several more).  Just try to remember this when you are about to pull your hair out from brain-numbing boredom and you don’t think you can take another fricking second of absolute silence. 

At the end of the day, anyone with sense will realize that hey…their place of work is going out of business.   Enjoy it while you can, but be sure to use that down time to look for another job and use as many of the failing businesses resources as possible to assist you in your job search.   Use your job…don’t let it use you! They won’t care – they are going out of business!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow – Words that Make Me Want to Vomit

Saturdays Rock!

3 Apr

The older I get, the more I worship Saturdays.   I love Saturday because:

* after 25 years in corporate America, I now treat myself to not wearing makeup on Saturdays and Sundays….ladies, do you know how much time this saves??

* no phones, no annoying, manic, cruel bosses!

* I can sleep til 10:30 if I want…and trust me, I want

* I can hang out with friends and not worry about the time

* Total freedom….even running errands is a pleasure because they are for me, not for anyone else.  During the week, I have to make demeaning appointments for others…car washes, dentist appointments, “find me an eye doctor”, and the list goes on and on

Ladies and gentlemen, here’s to the weekends….also known as the two days that keep me from losing my shit.

Tomorrow – Happy Easter and What Would Jesus Do with a Bad Boss?