Tag Archives: corporate humor

Going Rogue !

28 Dec

Ok, we all know it happens….rogue nose hairs. I noticed one this morning when I was doing my usual make up application so that I don’t look so damn tired and 150 years old.  It’s a process, people.  While dabbing on this and that, my tired eyes spotted it – the rogue nose hair.  Upon closer inspection, there it was – in plain sight and it did not want to go back into the nostril!  I cajoled it and told it I’d deal with it later, but it kept popping out.   I knew it must be dealt with or I was in for a long day.  Sure enough, in rushing to get to work I had forgotten about my new friend.   On the glorious drive to work (because this is the ONE good traffic week a year) I did a final spot check of my appearance…and DAMN, there it was!  The same nose hair was proudlly gleaming at me and I’d forgotten to clip it!   NOW WHAT??  Great, I’m going to have to get some work scissors and find a quiet spot with a mirror to try to get it.  If not, I’ll spend all day wondering if people are looking at me in conversation or “it.”   Ladies, you know it happens!   Men, well….maybe not so much.  I’ve spotted many of you that do not seem to care if you have several rogue nose hairs.  Let me tell you…it makes it really hard to concentrate on what you are saying when they are just staring at us begging to be trimmed!  God forbid when there is stuff attached to them too.  I shudder at the thought.

Do yourself a favor, when and if you spot that pesky, rogue nose hair in the mornings – STOP IT, CLIP IT, RID YOURSELF OF THE BURDEN then and there.   Don’t put it off like me.  I’ll be tucking that sucker back in all day!

Hope you all had a fantastic holiday – we have a LOT to catch up on together.

The Absurdity of Bad Company Name Changes

3 Aug

Does Corporate America think we are stupid?  They must!  I find it laughable when companies that have been in the public spotlight for bad behavior later decide to change their name as if the bad event never happened and it wasn’t them!   How much do you think that costs?   Plus, companies that have received bailouts, then spend millions on a name change.  Do they think we are not smart enough to remember?

Great examples?

AIG Aviation is now Chartis Aerospace  (I’ll agree they are in outer space)

Comcast is now XFinity (I think XFinity is the amount of time they keep you on hold when you need to place a service request…which is often)

Andersen Consulting is now Accenture  (It only cost them $100 million to try to erase the fact that they were tops in one of the biggest accounting scandals ever)

Phillip Morris is now Altria (Do they think that’ll help people forget that cigarettes are bad for you?)

Based on this ridiculous practice, maybe we should change our law firm name too.   Here are some great new names that come to mind – outside of the ones I’ve suggested in past posts:

Shoulda Tried & Harder Inc.

Had It, But Lost It LLP

No One Pays Us LLC

Teeny Weeny & Nonexistent Peeny LLP

Now for Firm taglines…..ohhh, that should be fun to create later.   Corporate Big Wigs, the facts are pretty simple.  If you are a shitty company and you think changing your name, but not your business practices will help you….then, you are still a shitty company at the end of the day.   Call yourself whatever you want, it doesn’t help.

 

Going Undercover

26 Jul

The last thing I wanted to do this morning was to come to this crusty ole bunghole of an office.   Before the dread could truly seep into every cell of my being yesterday, I came up with a new plan (with some help from Main Squeeze).  

I’m going “undercover.”  What the hell do I mean, you are wondering?    Well, I can’t seem to leave here just yet, the oppression is depressing me to no end, I keep trying to hope for the better with Bad Boss and I am living the definition of insanity….so, I had to come up with a new ploy in order to effing stand it!  

I’ll let you in on a little something…I have realized I love to write.  It’s been pretty exciting to find something I love while here, rather than just commit assisted suicide to Bad Bosses.   God knows they are dying here…and a slow, painful death and I’m NOT going with them.  I would love to end up writing a book one day!   Perhaps an expose on Corporate America and the repeated patterns of failure and denial I see every day, but with a cutting edge.  Anyway, why not pretend that this dysfunctional, laughable poo hole of a law firm is just an undercover assignment!   I can listen a little more intently, pry a little deeper…who knows what I’ll find.   This firm is merely a means to my end…in a good way.  You KNOW these Bad Bosses provide great material every day!  

So, in the meantime…and a plan is nearly in motion, I will continue to report from the front lines!   Living Dilbert reporting for duty!

Next Time – You Want Me to Do What??!

 

I’m So Bored That….

9 Jul

Yes, I changed today’s post subject from what I said yesterday and it may be the first time!   I can’t help it.  I’m too dead inside to complain about hot air.  I’ll have to get fired up one day and then complete that draft.   I’m telling you….it is so damn dead here this week, that I may be going insane.  You know it is bad when it is SO boring that you can’t even get mad.   It is crushing my creative energies this week.   Dammit!

I’m so bored, that:

– I keep trying to beat my top score  in Word Search on Great Day Games (great game site), which may be one of the simplest things ever….and I can only get a certain score, yet I keep trying again and again.  I’m too bored to play the other games I’ve played and conquered in the past.

– I’ve worried today that I need to take a mental rest.   I’ve never thought THAT before.  I feel like an old lawn mower that won’t start.   You know..someone can jerk the starter cord and I can’t even produce a tiny sputter.

– I’ve beaten my own record in eye-rolling and now I have a headache.  I now roll my eyes when I hear anyone even stir in the office. 

– that rather than talk to Useless Coworker, I just stirred my decaf with an old nasty pencil rather than go to the kitchen to get a spoon because “she” was in there.   Talking to her sucks whatever remaining oxygen I have left in my blood stream right out of there….leaving me even more blue.

– I’ve found myself staring at my desk or my monitor in a completely unfocused way for minutes at a time….with a glaze forming over my eyes.  Not a good sign. 

– that I  think I actually died about 2 hours ago.  My heart stopped beating because it, too, was bored.  I died at my desk and then all my sphincters relaxed and I pooed on myself and still no one has noticed.

Keep in mind that I do NOT get bored away from work. I can do anything and be happy, but when you are at work and sit where I sit…I can’t just do anything because I’m in plain view.  I wonder if this is some sort of life test.  I wonder if I am passing?

Tomorrow – Refresh and Renew

The Power of Positive Thinking, My Ass…

2 Jul

First of all, don’t EVER, ever tell Living Dilbert to “think positively” because just hearing it makes me angry.  I can think however I choose and in my humble opinion, I often like to “think ugly-acting.”   Admit it, it is often a better coping mechanism while at work or in any unpleasant situation.  If the truth be known, I’ve thought positively for most of my working life and what has it gotten me?   Elevated blood pressure…that’s what…with a little gray hair sprinkled in as a reward.**

Tell me, how I can think positively, when all I hear in my office today is the popping of Bad Bosses butt cheeks as he poots in his office?

Tell me, how I can “keep my chin up” when I go to the ladies restroom for one minute of serenity and there are either dead roaches lying around or some interloper taking a crap in there?

Tell me, all you “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” people….how I can be effective when the only change I am effecting is the best way to shift in my work chair so that I appear to be alive and my spine doesn’t freeze up?

Tell me, “What Color is My Parachute?”  preachers….is there a chapter about exactly when someone should abandon the plane even without a parachute?

Well, let me tell YOU something, you dang optimists.   You can do all the positive thinking you want, but it doesn’t change people.   Yes, I realize it can change your perception of people and situations…but, where is the fun in that?

Maybe Living Dilbert should write a book.  Let’s see….I could call it, “The Power of Wishing You’d Get the Runs,” or “The Power of Anger and Resentment,” or “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Bungholes,” or lastly, “Climbing the Corporate Ladder to Nowhere.”  Do you have a favorite?

Tomorrow -Hot Damn!

**In rereading this post…I thought I’d better add that no readers have ever told me to “think positively,” it was just a random thought that came to my head when I was writing last night!  Things just pop in my head and make me laugh and that very statement appeared – “the power of positive thinking, my ass…”, hence today’s post.  I have incredible readers…I’ve not gotten one bad comment.  Well, I did get one about a picture I posted, but I trashed it.   Ahh…the power of moderation. I would have posted it if it’d been fair!

Reporting from the Front Lines….

28 Jun

I’ll be DAMNED..it is not as bad as I thought!   What a welcome surprise!   We are allegedly still open, no one died and I still do not feel like killing anyone today.   My biggest annoyance is probably Useless Coworker with whom I already have a love/hate relationship.  

Useless Coworker does not use her head – ever.   She casually tells me her access card hasn’t been working for a week, so she helped herself to the spare one in my desk and she let two of the high-speed printers run out of toner.   She couldn’t change the toner on anything if her life depended on it.  I’m already convinced she lives in a fantasy world where things just refill themselves.   I wonder how many times her car has run out of gas in her lifetime? 

So, Bad Boss is painfully quiet.   At least I have the fact that he was on vacation too going for me.   He’s grumpy that he had to return also.   He even communicated logically with me today.   Can I hope, even if just for a little while, that he realized my importance while he was on vacation?   Ok, you are right….

Tomorrow – Useless Coworker Strikes Again!

Not Sure Who You Think I Am, But…

13 May

Excuse me, Bad Bosses…uh, I’m not sure who you think I am, but I sure as hell can tell you who I am NOT.

I am not:

– your fricking personal mail carrier. No matter how many times I tell you…our mail goes through the USPS at a certain time each day.  I can’t change the time, I am not the Postmaster General.    No, I still don’t have the ability to handle certified mail in our office since we don’t even have a POSTAGE METER!!!   Yes, I have to take it to the actual post office like I’ve told you nine gajillion times.

– your maid. Yesterday, you left your dishes in the sink.   They are still there.  I have taken a silent vow to never wash them even if they grow hoards and hoards of penicillin on them.  I will consider it free antibiotics.

– your confidant regarding personal matters. I don’t want to hear what you think your wife is doing behind your back.  Honestly, I’d probably take her side.

– your friend. I tried, but you blew it long ago.  You are a complete and total self-absorbed a-hole.  Nothing further.

– your diaper changer.  I personally chose to not have human children a while ago.  Not meant for me this time around.  The last thing I want is to come to work and be your damn mother each day.   When you poo yourself during one of your yawningly predictable tantrums, not my problem.  Hire a nanny like you have at home.

-your idiot. As much as you seem to enjoy being condescending towards me because you allegedly graduated at the top of your class in some ivy league school (and you most likely have a small winky), does not qualify me as an idiot.   I proudly put myself through college and graduated while holding down two full-time jobs.  It seems I’m the one that can figure out how to refill the electric stapler, fix your computer, fix your printer, constantly help your paralegal and I can honestly run circles around all of you.   I’d rather have common sense than a ivy league degree.  Such a shame you don’t have both.

It would be in your best interest to print out the items above and put them at your desk so that you can refer to it several times a day.  I’m not changing.

Tomorrow – When a Raise is Not a Raise…

Don’t THINK I Won’t Run You Over…

12 May

because I sure as hell will.  Not only that, I’ll do it without blinking and possibly with a smile on my face.   Face it, we are all fairly grumpy while driving ourselves to work in the mornings.   I’ll admit it, I’m a pretty aggressive driver and I cuss almost everyone out.   Often, I’m ashamed….but it seems to be ingrained in my being to behave this way.  Honestly, I’m shocked this is my first blog about traffic and other drivers.   I’ve held out.

Why do so many folks have their heads up their bums in the mornings?   Is it because they hate their jobs too?  Are they independently wealthy and just drive around to cause traffic and annoy poor working people?  Are they so busy texting and talking on the phone that they just don’t give a rat’s ass?   I’d say it’s the last one.  I can tell from 100 yards behind a car if they are texting or talking on the phone.   It is unmistakable!   Weaving, going slowly in the left lane, not going forward on green lights.  We’ve all seen it.   Before I know it, it’s as if a demon has taken over my body and I’m spitting and cussing with vehemence.

One of the strongest catalysts for a demon-infused hissy fit?   Those fine souls that decide to saunter at a snail’s pace across the road when I’m heading towards them.   This can occur either in a crosswalk when it says “DON’T WALK” (of which I always add “motherfu**r” in my mind) or if the Nobel Laureate carelessly decides to cross anywhere that is inconvenient for the poor hack like me trying to get to work.   It happened earlier this week and the immediate thought in my mind was the very title of this post, “Don’t even think I won’t run your ass over, because I sure as hell will!”  Let’s see….I’m in a 2,000 lb. vehicle and you are jaywalking…who’s going to win?   I’m terrible, aren’t I?

Where does all this anger come from??  Two words – Bad Boss.    I can blame him for a lot!   Often, it is deserved.  Sometimes, it is only because I want to avoid personal responsibility.

Tomorrow – Not Sure Who You Think I Am, But….

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

3 May

Guess I’m giving away my age a little bit, but I swear this song starts popping in my head by 5:00 on Sunday afternoons.   Plus, I think it is supposed to rain tomorrow, so it will be the perfect Monday morning…rainy, bad traffic and all will increase my bad attitude!   I’ll try to be nice and go into work with a good attitude, but whenever I try this it is usually over and done with in about 32 seconds from my arrival.   I’ll head to my chair…see something waiting for me there (like work) and viola…instant pissiness!   Another thing that causes an instant piss mood is a flashing message light.   My first thought again should be “oh, someone called me that may need my services…I wonder how I can help them?”  Unfortunately, my bad self usually thinks “Who the Fu** already called me this morning?  GD it!”   Are these the classic signs of burnout?   I think so.

Therefore, in an effort to pump myself up for Monday morning, I’ll try to go ahead and fill myself with good thoughts!  Maybe that will work!  Reasons to be “happy” on Monday morning….I’m employed, I’ll be out of the rain, no one is overtly trying to kill me, I thankfully have all of my limbs and my body seems to be in good working order, no one at work is too extremely unpleasant to look at….I have all kinds of reasons to be happy!   But, no matter how damn hard I try, I’m usually in that same bad mood within seconds of sitting down at my desk.   Am I a bad person?  Damn it!  Failed again!  Right back where I started.   Isn’t that the definition of insanity?

Tomorrow – Dumping Toxic Waste

There’s a Dead Body in My Parking Garage

30 Apr

Well, maybe not really, but it sure smelled like it when I went to my car yesterday.  I’ve smelled a dead body before and it is very unique.  When Living Dilbert was young and idealistic and still in college, she thought she wanted to be a detective and she did a college internship at a sheriff’s department.  Oh, the things I saw.   This was probably more back in the day when they let interns get a close up view of everything and participate in ride alongs.  One day we were called out because of a dead body being found in a vacant yard.   It was some poor guy that had committed suicide, but there was an autopsy the next day just to be sure.   I was very proud I didn’t puke because let me tell you – it stunk.   I remember the detective telling me, “Yep, the smell of a dead body is not one that you’ll forget.”   He was right.

So…yesterday when I went to my car I was convinced there was something pretty big and pretty dead nearby, but I didn’t find anything.  NO, it was not my Useless Coworker!   She’s here today.   It did make me think about dead bodies though and I think Bad Bosses must have some dead bodies stashed in some closets up here or something and there must be pictures!  It is the only rational explanation for the business decisions they are constantly making!  One of the partners must be blackmailing the others.  Yesterday, for example, they took the ONE thing that could bring us some business and decided to cancel it.  I guess “word of mouth” will be our only hope now…but let me tell you, the phones are NOT ringing.  It is perpetually silent.   Yeah, something stinks around here alright…and it is apparently my future at this firm.

Tomorrow – Saturday Morning Cartoons and Superheroes