Tag Archives: legal humor

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.  Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.  I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).  I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.  I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.  However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.  Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.  The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.  It won’t last.  These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.  They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.  Rinse and repeat.   Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask.  This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion feedback.  I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose?  I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.”  I was painfully and professionally honest.  I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment.  It’s called a fucking conscience, people.  Heard of it?  Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core. One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass.  Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting on their asses.  We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass.  That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope.  Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight?  Being sued?  Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there!   WTF??? Have some BALLS, people.  It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity!  I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3 spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak.  The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas?  I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now) and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding.  If only someone called them on their shit.  Will it ever happen?  How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis?  Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist with my therapy – junk mail catalogs.  Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc.  Any good ideas from my brilliant friends out there?  I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling.  Twatwaffle used to be very hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald.  Discuss.

How To Pass the Time in a Failing Business

9 Apr

Sadly, I’ve been in this position twice in my career.  Now, I think I handle it better than I did previously because I know that a failing business is not the end of the world.   If employed at a failing business with no clients…how in the world does one stay busy and awake?   Here are some experienced suggestions to get you started.

1) Read. If you do not sit in the open or if you are the sole employee left in said business, this is a perfect time to catch up on all those novels or trash books you’ve been meaning to read.   Ultimate scenario is if said failing dump business is near a library or bookstore.

2) Games.  If you have an internet connection, which I pray you do since it is 2010, play solitaire and other mind-numbing games to take your mind off the impending doom.  I, personally, am the #1 scorer in an online crossword game on Great Day Games.

3) Watch TV.  This used to be a bit harder than it is today.  In 1998, while in a failing firm, thank GOD they had a TV so lawyers could play their stupid videos about cases that they felt made them look smart.  We were just thankful that if we wheeled the thing into certain parts on our floor, we could get a good signal for a few channels and if we were really lucky, watch The Jerry Springer Show and make fun of the folks more down on their luck than we were.  Now, we’d be out of luck with the new digital signal!   Try hulu.com….they have enough shows to keep you busy for a long time. 

4) Sleep.  Again, one has to be the sole employee here….don’t try this in the open if you have fellow coworkers that may rat on you.   Old failing firm had a couch and Best Friend would look at me regularly and announce she was going to sleep the rest of the day.  The woman would get up at the end of the day and have the pattern of the couch imprinted on her face.  I was too nervous to do such things because I was in my 20s and I still cared.  Now, I don’t.

5) Be thankful.  Be thankful you get to go someplace that pays you to sit there til they go out of business.   You have heating and air, electricity, plumbing…lots of regular comforts.  Remind yourself you are being paid an annual salary to do any of the activities suggested above (and several more).  Just try to remember this when you are about to pull your hair out from brain-numbing boredom and you don’t think you can take another fricking second of absolute silence. 

At the end of the day, anyone with sense will realize that hey…their place of work is going out of business.   Enjoy it while you can, but be sure to use that down time to look for another job and use as many of the failing businesses resources as possible to assist you in your job search.   Use your job…don’t let it use you! They won’t care – they are going out of business!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow – Words that Make Me Want to Vomit

5 Ways to Annoy Your Controlling/Conservative Boss

25 Mar

Actually, Bad Boss is annoyed by nearly everything and he switches it up on me at any given time.   One thing that may delight him one day can take a nasty turn and annoy him the next.   I try to make it a game.  One can never overtly try to get on his nerves or the Tasmanian Devil may be released and let me tell you, folks…it ain’t pretty.   I compare it to walking a tightrope…if you’re careful, you will get across and be cheered by the crowd…if you make a slip, you plummet to a painful death. 

Here are some common trends that I have found are usually effective in getting on his nerves in a very subtle way:

1) Openly talk with other lawyers in the office about how great they are doing with their business/hours (within earshot of Bad Boss)   – extra points if you can bring up a former lawyer you both used to work with and how their business is flourishing.

2) Make noise – be careful here – must be crafty.   Ice clinking in your glass at your desk, shuffling papers loudly, pen clicking…you get the idea.  Once Bad Boss came out of his office to tell me the ice in my glass was clinking too much when I was drinking – no  kidding.  I just figured it was one of those days when he couldn’t think of anything better to get on to me about.

3) Use two different size fonts when working on revision documents – just one word perhaps and I’m only talking 12 pt. to 11 pt. or use different spacing criteria between paragraphs.

4) Rearrange things here and there in the office.   Put the 3 hole punch just out of reach, move the electric stapler to another outlet….that type thing.   Unless you have “asked” him if you “can” do such things…it’ll bug him, I promise.

5) Mention Whoopi Goldberg or Nancy Pelosi in a conversation with anyone in the office within hearing range of Bad Boss.

That’s it for today…try a few of these things for your own delight.

Tomorrow – “Get Out of My Bathroom!!”

To Hell with the Earth, I’ve Got a Law Firm to Run!

24 Mar

My boss hates recycling.   Let me rephrase that…my boss despises recycling.   He has expressly forbidden me to do any recycling of anything in our office.  Being that I feel responsible for killing future children and that my actions may cause our sun to die, I do it anyway.   One of the other lawyers sees me sneak out recycling bags late in the evening, but so far has not ratted me out.   I’m sure he will blackmail me with it one day. 

We drink canned sodas and bottled waters in our offices.  Everyone seems to want their own flavor of everything.   Bad Boss drinks as many 20 oz. bottles of water as he can swill a day and then happily leaves a trail of water bottles around the office like bait just daring me to collect them.  I’ve finally learned to try to wait him out and then I sneak them out of the trash.  Sometimes I take a look at myself and think “My God, I’m actually having to SNEAK recycling out of the trash!   What the hell?!”   If I’m not quick enough on my feet to outsmart him, he also likes to throw away our recycled paper before I can put it in the shredding bin.   It’s not like I make it hard to recycle!   I keep it neat and clean…it could be done with one release of his hand!  He tolerates a few blue recycle bins around the office, but he will not put things in there and he’s told me NOT to empty them.  

I’m also one of those “crazies” that returns the HP toner cartridges from our printers to HP for recycling.  Hell, they are paying the shipping, why shouldn’t I?  I get pictures in my head of landfills overflowing with the things!   Bad Boss saw my very tidy stash hidden under my desk recently and told me…TOLD ME to “throw them in the trash and they’ll go to the landfill…it won’t matter”.   Ok, folks…he has 4 young fricking kids!  I tried that argument about preserving the earth for his spawn, but he laughed me off and said that the ozone problems and the filling up of our landfills was merely a myth.   You know, I’d forgotten he was also a geothermal scientist!   Silly me! 

I wonder if I could actually get fired for recycling?   I’d hang my head in shame at the unemployment office and they’d ask me “Why did you leave your last job?” and I’d have to say “I recycled.”  

Coming Tomorrow – “How to Annoy Your Controlling Boss”

Things You May Not Have Realized (Open Letter to Lawyers Everywhere)

23 Mar

1) My sole work existence is actually to work for you – to make your life easier.  It is what you hired me to do and what I’m damn good at, so don’t treat me like a pain in your ass when I have a suggestion or need to ask you a question.  It will backfire on you eventually.

2) The folks that work for you are human beings.  Ok, try to grasp this…I’ll type slowly…they have LIVES, they have responsibilities just like you…fiscally, physically and emotionally and they are trying to meet those responsibilities with 1/8th of the salary you make…so don’t go out of your way to be an asshole.  It’s hard enough as it is. 

3) Sadly for most staff, lawyers love to hear themselves talk, but never really do anything…about anything.   We all know it, so save your breath.  You are using up my oxygen.

4) I don’t like you nearly as much as when I took this job.  I’ve tried really, really hard….but you’ve taken countless opportunities to blow it. 

5) If you break any of the rules above…it will most certainly result in a sick day for me because it’s the only thing you’ve left me that I can use to invest in myself and my well-being.

On a positive note…I am very thankful to be employed in this current economy…but even conscientious humans have their limit.   We should be so happy we are here together as a team….but I seem to be the only one that thinks so!

Tomorrow – “To Hell with the Earth, We’ve Got a Law Firm to Run!”