Tag Archives: office humor
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The Whatever Factor

27 Feb

The Whatever Factor

Hi!  Are you having a good week so far?  I simply must share something that will help – I mean it – will HELP your Monday!  I’m not a giant reblogger and it is nothing personal to anyone, but damn, I could not pass this up.  Izzy is an old blogging friend and she is on a hell of a roll.  Wanted to share.  She has total Living Dilbert sass or I have The Whatever Factor sass, not sure.. .but, please read and enjoy!  I’m still chuckling and LD needed a chuckle today!

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Breathing Life into Living Dilbert

7 Feb

Ok, I think I’ve caught my breath.  Thank you all for waiting for me and
being so nice.

First, I’ve been reading all your blogs and have been so happy to keep
up with you.  I can keep up even better now because I am not in a
bone-numbing depression that makes me want to gauge my own eyes out and throw them at people.  

My life has taken such a turn.  I LOVE the new job and it couldn’t be
any more different from the days at You Really Should Retire, I Don’t Do Crap and Good Ole Boy LLC.  I’ve been here about 9 weeks now and I have to fight the urge to hug my new bosses every day.  We’ll get into that more
later. 

How have I managed some of my PTSD?  I actually have it…I’m not
kidding.  I’ve had many nightmares, found myself filled with anxiety and
the desire for revenge, and so on.  Classic symptoms!  

I may have done something a bit naughty.  You know how Bad Boss hates
recycling and anything good in the world?  He also hates people that drink green tea.  Don’t ask me why
the man is the way he is, but he hates people for the stupidest reasons I’ve ever heard!   I went to a
website where you can order all types of free catalogs and let me tell
you – he has a ==load of them coming his way!   To the old workplace, his home, etc.  He’ll never have another question about the following topics again – recycling, recycling at work, Big Boy suits, teas of every kind, erectile dysfunction and so on.  Oh, the look of hate on his face when he gets junk mail fills me with pure delight!

You know I have to find my delight in subtle ways.  I wish I could say I’m a big enough person to let bygones be bygones, but to hell with that! 

I won’t make this one too long, but I’M BACK and thank you again for the breather!   You inspire me.

Next Time – I Can’t Poo at this Job….

A special thank you to Heart of Gold for riding my ass…..I still had 1 hour and 55 minutes!

Main Squeeze reporting in

6 Nov

Hi LD fans — I felt that you all needed an update…

Living Dilbert is getting used to Living Life again!  YAY – with Bad Bosses out of the picture, we are able to enjoy life with a cup half full feeling.  Actually, what you all may not know is that Living Dilbert is a “cup half full” kind of gal.  But not with Bad Boss #1, #2, and #3 sucking the life out of her good disposition.

Let me fill you in on her recent full of life activities: she started her new job and is working her ass off –AND loving it!  We have just finished an awesome vacation — we ate at yummy restaurants, spent time with friends, saw a show, shopped, read and just chilled.  All this because Bad Boss #1 was not around to give her excuses as to why this wouldn’t be a good week for him for LD to take her vacation!

And as I sit here – knowing that I don’t have her gift of gab — LD wants you to know how much she appreciates you and still enjoys reading your blogs.

What Was That?!

24 Sep

Ok, I have not been a good blogger the last couple weeks.  I’m in total limbo…waiting, watching, hoping for the new job.  Good news is that they called me and want me to come back a third time to have lunch with the two main partners.  I hope it is a good sign and I’m starting to envision my plan.  

In the meantime, to keep from completely snapping….I try to mind my own business at my desk.  “Just lay low,” I whisper to myself.    This was my total mindset today until IT happened.   IT, you ask?    Yes…believe it or not, whilst in hell already, I was just subjected to hearing a roaring, loud, drawn-out, disgusting fart from Bad Boss #3’s office.   Did I hear that right???  Could this really be happening??   Do I matter that little?  

It took everything I had in me to NOT shout, “That’s the last god damn thing I needed to hear around here – although it is quite a fitting commentary on our business model and your law practice.”   I didn’t though…I need this job til next week.

I hope this horridness never happens to you.  If so, be strong my friends.   Not everyone could do this job.  Remember, it’s nearly the weekend.  I pray I can forget that repulsive sound by tomorrow….

Signs of Anarchy

15 Sep

Best Friend loves “Sons of Anarchy” and it got me thinking this morning. I’m dangerously starting to show Signs of Anarchy.   How so?

More and more….I just don’t care.   YES, I would love the new job at that place and am praying, literally praying and Main Squeeze did a vision board that I get the job.   The decision date by said firm is 9/20.   Isn’t it dangerous to start acting so wildly like I don’t care about this butt crust of a place anymore?  I’ve had to stifle my pat response now a couple of times…the words dance around my tongue and come dangerously close to escaping my lips more and more.   It may happen…Rough N Tough has been pushing my buttons.   She is rude, crude and just itching for a bar brawl.   Next time she approaches me with a request or a negative comment, I so want to say, “You know what RnT?   I really don’t give a shit anymore.  Why don’t you go eff yourself?”  God, that made me feel so good just to write it!   For some reason she has stopped talking to me, a blessing in itself, but it also makes me wonder, “What the fu** did I do?”   Want to know the only person in this office lately that has even noted my mere existence?   Useless Coworker!  Folks, I have to change my allegiance regarding UC…she’s listened, been learning new things and actually seems to care about me. When Main Squeeze’s aunt passed away, she was the only one that asked me how we were…who EVER asks me how I am.  Hell, she hasn’t even been useless in about 6 weeks.  I have to give the girl credit.   Rough N Tough is now tops on my “you suck” list.  

Other signs of trouble?   I don’t even care what I wear to work anymore.  I used to like dressing all fancy and lawyerish…but, now as long as my body is covered with some form of fabric, I could give a crap.   Maybe I’ll wear the same pants all week and just change my shirt.  If it’s clean…it works.   Am I turning into a straight guy?

Bad Bosses ask me to do things and I blatantly lie through my teeth.  “Oh, that pocket part update?   You haven’t gotten it yet?!  Really?!   Well, I ordered it!”   Folks, I didn’t order any damn publications!  I don’t care!!!  I guess I’ll have to order it today, but should have 6 weeks ago.   I’ve been having far more fun readjusting Rough N Tough’s printer each day after she leaves.  Did any of you see “Serial Mom”?  That is who I am becoming.  On my way to work, all I could think is..what can I do today to torture another person in my office?   My karma is taking a beating!   Oh well, I’ll work on karma in my next job.  Being a decent human being only hurts me here.

Time to Start Swinging…

31 Aug

First, hello.  How are you?   A lot has been happening, which I will explain very, very soon!   I started a post about it, but then had an incident that has me hoppin’ mad and is perfect LD material!!!

Oh, the joys of a small law firm where no one has any balls are endless.   Am I the only voice of reason and sanity?  I think so.   Let me tell you, too…Living Dilbert is about to start swinging.  You know, the good ole bar brawl kind of swinging!   What is it today?   Filing space.   EFFING FILING SPACE.

Scenario?  Bad Boss #3 who I think I’ll call “Good Ole Boy” has taken over our office.  Let’s all just admit it – he’s taken over our office and the other two, my boss included, are terrified of him.  Why?  I don’t know.  I guess he has the most cahones.   BB#3 has finally left his old law firm fully, which means he’s moved his years of crap and other failures over to our newly reduced space.  There are boxes everywhere and he is letting his secretary, who I’ll call Rough N Tough, “decorate” our space.  I’m beyond horrified.   Our reception area looks like a GD cat house…and I don’t mean kitty cats.   RnT has brought vases from home that she got at flea markets and has put one on every flat surface in sight.   Good Ole Boy told Bad Boss he “hopes he doesn’t mind if he and RnR did a little redecoratin'” and once Bad Boss reattached his peen…he said “no problem!”   WHAT?  

I find it so amusing some days and downright infuriating other days.  Today it is infuriating to see two secretaries puffing out their chests over a filing drawer because none of the Bad Bosses will make a decision.   It is such a waste of time and energy and one of the 1,456,982 reasons I can’t wait to get the HELL out of this portal to hell.

More on that later…

Thanks for listening.  I’m about to go over there and slam all three of their heads together.  Whoever is still standing when I’m done is welcome to have the filing drawer.

Living Dilbert Dispels Positive Quotes

8 Jul

Sometimes, I hear positive quotes in my head and then my Living Dilbert side immediately thinks of a retort.

“It is always darkest before the dawn.” – Honey, the sun here never rises and we are in perpetual darkness.

“No good deed goes unpunished.”  I actually agree with this one.

“The grass is always greener…” – Yeah, ok…whatever helps you sleep at night.

“All good things come to those who wait.” – Bull.  I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting.   It should be, “All good things come to those who kiss-ass and back stab.”

Keep your chin up.   I’ve got something you can keep up!   How about my entire shoe collection up your ass?

“Just go outside and look at the sun, it’ll make you feel better.”   How about you go outside and look at the sun…directly….for two minutes and then feel your way back and tell me how you feel.

Ok, these are just a few to get things started.  

Tomorrow – I’m SO Bored That….

Overheard in the Office….2010 (Really)

17 Jun

I’ve been trying to remember random snippets that I’ve heard around the office lately and that cause me to automatically roll my eyes in disgust  –

– “She just needs to find herself a good man…”  (they were NOT referring to me)  (Bad Boss#3)

– “Throw ’em all out!  Just throw them all outta there.” (referring to the White House) (Bad Boss #3)

– “I don’t really need the money…”  (Bad Boss #2 talking to Bad Boss)

– “Reimburse me for this $1.46….” (Bad Boss #2 talking to me)

– “Can’t you just save money some other way than a 401(k)?” (Bad Boss #2)

– “I think she’s probably retarded….?” (Bad Boss #2 about a former secretary that was actually great)

– “I don’t have time to talk to you.  Close my door on your way out.”  (Bad Boss after asking me a question)

– “I don’t have time to read your emails. ” (Bad Boss after asking me to email him)

– “My computer lost a document…” (Useless Coworker)

 – “It’s too hot to nap in my car….” (Useless Coworker)

– “He’s fat as a hog and needs to quit eating…” (Bad Boss #2)

– “Shall we go get our shoes shined?” (Bad Boss to Bad Boss #2)

– “Out of that chicken shit comes chicken salad…” (Bad Boss #3)

– “SLAM” – (sound of Bad Boss slamming his door when he thinks others are too loud)

– “Whooooshhhhh” – (sound of Useless Coworker sneaking out of work earlier each day…)

– “FLUSH” – (sound of my career down the crapper)

– “SIIIGHHHH” – (the sound of regret)

– “Fuck all of you…” (sorry, that was just me thinking aloud)

Tomorrow – Living Dilbert’s Vices

Getting Lawyers Their Lunch

13 Apr

Ok, this is a bit of an overused word…but, getting lawyers their lunch basically SUCKS.   It is never a spirit-lifting, confidence-boosting task.  

I know of someone who has to walk 6 blocks every day, rain or shine, to get her boss the one salad he prefers.   One time, this same jackass stopped me in the hall of my old firm.  I didn’t work for him and tried to avoid him whenever possible.   If I heard him coming in the hall, I’d turn and go the other way.  He was famous for being a major pain in the ass.   This particular day, my luck ran out.   He grabbed me and said “Go get lunch for me and so and so and whatever else anyone needs.”   I cussed silently under my breath, gritted my teeth, gave him a smile and said my surliest “sure” that I could muster.   I walked my angry, sweaty self those 6 blocks, ordered (ended up being 3 lunches and a dinner) and this big-spending partner had only given me a $20.  Thankfully, the bill was covered by a hair.  This was on a Friday.  On Monday morning, after a gleeful weekend of freedom and pretending I was someone else, this same partner had his secretary send me an email and he wanted to know where his change was?   Are you kidding???  It was like $0.12.   Cheap bastard.   You can only imagine the many things I thought up instantaneously that he could do with his change.  Another no-no to all the thoughtless bosses out there, if you DO make us go get your lunch, don’t bitch about it!   We didn’t make it, we only regurgitated the order you gave us and carried it to your lazy ass.  

To all the lawyers and corporate executives that make your sweet secretary/assistant go get your lunch every day – really?  Could you at least “offer” to buy your secretary lunch once in a while too?   Could you say “thank you” when we put the lunch you made us go get into your grubby little hands?  For the sake of all that is decent, she’ll love you for it and be far less apt to let a pigeon crap on your sandwich/salad on the way back to the office.  

Tomorrow – Telltale Signs of a Bad Boss

How to Go Poo While at Work

12 Apr

Gosh, this subject is so broad.  No one really likes to bring up the subject, but when they do it seems everyone has their own delightful experiences.  As I’ve mentioned in a past post, I try to never go poo at work if at all humanly possible.    However, when I absolutely must, these are part of my mantra:

* Make sure the coast is clear.  In the past, Best Friend and I were awful and would put an out of order sign on the ladies restroom door and if anyone even headed in that direction, the other (who was acting as the look out) would say “Oh, I’m sorry miss, there has been a hellacious flood in there…you’ll have to go downstairs.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”   It usually buys the other person a few minutes of tranquility.

* Timing is everything.  IF you have to go and the coast is actually clear, don’t dilly-dally in there!   Push and run!   Get out of there as soon as possible.   IF someone else comes in and you are actually caught in the stall, then you will have to play the game of “wait them out” and that can be a whole different, face-blushing disaster.

* IF you must go poo….please, for God’s sake, do so politely.   There is nothing worse than walking in prepared to take care of business and you innocently head to the stall (with very little time to work with) and there appears to have been wild rhinoceros that came in before you and poo’d all over the place!   I never, ever, ever want to see remnants of anyone else’s poo.  It is the grossest thing in the world, by far.   DO NOT LEAVE piles anywhere, and do not leave skid marks!  GROSS!   How anyone can think this is ok is beyond me.

* Don’t leave your little makeshift toilet seat cover made out of toilet paper hanging on the toilet.  This actually makes me heave.  I don’t want to see a half-submerged, make-shift toilet cover or an actual toilet cover hanging on the rim for dear life.   When I come across this, I start getting horrific mental pictures.   If no other choices are available, then I’m the one having to push it in with my foot while fighting my heaving reflexes.  Why do this to people?

Poo, poo quietly, get the hell out of there and don’t leave any mess!   We are all human and we all have to poo, but it can be done with a little consideration for your fellow humans!

Tomorrow – Getting Lawyers Their Lunch