Tag Archives: sarcasm

Living Dilbert Pontificates Whilst on (Legit) Narcotics

29 May

mindFine, 4 months out of my 2nd neck surgery, which hurt like a B-I-T-C-H for several weeks and now mystery symptoms combined with my fucking neck about to fall off, I’m still on my pain meds with the full blessing of my surgeon. Sometimes I just think stuff and it sticks (which is quite rare on meds). Here goes – no offense meant (usually):

* Why is it that when you mention the word “long term disability” or LTD to people, especially doctors, their face quickly looks as if it has smelled a putrid fart done by me. I’m asking valid questions and I’m a potentially valid case with 17 fused discs. I didn’t break my Goddamn toe – have some compassion. It’s not like I chose this.

* After having 13 discs fused in my back, I’ve had to learn a new way to wipe my ass and I don’t appreciate it one bit.

* I have a lot of time to think up ways to mentally torture people who have mentally tortured me at work. I have your names and I have plans, people. I get giddy when I think about it. Yes, this is a teaser. Let’s just say that at my last job, there was a woman thing that tried as I might to be patient and compassionate, she was still the complete “c” word. Through and through. She was the bane of my existence and I need to be hypnotized in an effort to erase her from my mind. I’m still working on just the right name for her. “Perpetual Gaping Pain in My Ass” – “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde from the Depths of Hell” – “Fuckface” – I just can’t decide. Open to all suggestions.

* I continue to like animals far more than most humans. I talk to my cats and they like it. I like it. Solved.

* People say I’m more “chatty” when on said pain drugs. Really, people? I was isolated and not allowed to drive for 5 solid months. I’ve hardly seen a GD soul. I’m happy to speak to humans. Let’s see you try it you bunch of judges. See point listed above. Suck my ass.

* I love cussing more than ever. It makes me laugh. It is an art form when used properly.

* I love Jane Fonda. Do NOT use the words “Hanoi Jane” in my presence or something very bad will mostly likely happen to your face. I’m sorry she did hurt people with her actions during the Vietnam War, but it was 40 years ago. She was a kid. Her good since that time has far outweighed the bad. Find something else to hate that is viable and DO something about it. Let this one go.

* Shockingly, I really do like to practice random acts of kindness whether towards humans (usually strangers), towards animals (even ants) or towards Mother Earth. No, I do not wear Birkenstock’s. Don’t go there.

* I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m dejected. I’m lonely sometimes, but yet like being alone. I’m hopeful. I’m furiously trying to control a situation in which I have NO control. I’m human. Who knew?

Go fucking hug someone you love or something. You know, for the good of the world.

Love,

LD