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The Whatever Factor

27 Feb

The Whatever Factor

Hi!  Are you having a good week so far?  I simply must share something that will help – I mean it – will HELP your Monday!  I’m not a giant reblogger and it is nothing personal to anyone, but damn, I could not pass this up.  Izzy is an old blogging friend and she is on a hell of a roll.  Wanted to share.  She has total Living Dilbert sass or I have The Whatever Factor sass, not sure.. .but, please read and enjoy!  I’m still chuckling and LD needed a chuckle today!

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Doris Doomsday

17 Jan

We all know one – male or female.   These fine folks are the ones that no matter what you tell them – news item, random fact, day of the week….they sure as hell know a terrible story about it and want to share it.  

I’m afraid Living Dilbert has been having back problems resulting from a late dose of teenage idiopathic scoliosis that left me with a 40 degree curve.  I know, I know…you are already bored, so I’ll try to make this quick.  Basically, I’m 46 and now have the spine of an 80 year old and the mother fucker has been hurting – a lot, for 7 months.  I’ve tried it all – selective nerve root blocks, steriod injections, radio frequency lesioning…uh…acupuncture, cupping and the list goes on and on.   Unfortunately, it ain’t working.   There’s a very good chance Living Dilbert will be getting cut and fused in the near future.  Do I like it?  Hell, no.   Am I terrified?  Yes.  Am I wearing down from being in pain nearly 20 hours a day?   Oh, hell, yes.    Thank GOD, I like this job and the people so much and it has allowed me to continue to work, even though many days I drag my left leg down the hall, resemble Quasimodo with my grunts and drool (no humpback…but you get the facial implications of constant pain).   Hey, I can still walk -that’s a huge plus!

Now that you have the background…I can write many posts on this and try to keep it amusing!   Anyway, I told a lady here at work that I probably would be getting surgery…mistake.  The first thing she tells me is that of the two people that she knows of that had back surgery, they were both ultimately paralyzed and one died.   (Language disclaimer) Shut. The. Fuck. Up.   Why the fuck would she tell me that?  Oh, the same reason some other guy tells me that he had the surgery about 155 years ago and that his back is about to fall out.   Terrific, just the thing to cheer me!

Folks, I know none of you do this.   For any of you that may know someone who does, for the love of God PEOPLE, if someone shares with you…do not tell them how someone died from it, or pooped in their pants the rest of their lives or anything similar!   Put a GD gag in your mouth and fricking think before you speak!  

Living Dilbert is inches away from punching the next one who does this to me in the face.  I will simply blame my powerful pain meds.

Things I’m Whole-Heartedly Sick Of

24 Aug

These are not only in general, but amazingly all pertain to Bad Boss as well! (what a surprise, huh?)  I’m sick to death of:

1 – Egos (never a good thing, always in the way, and greatly exaggerated greatness)

2 – Speaker phone conversations (shut the hell up or shut your door!)

3 – Hypocritical behavior  (tell me not to do something, then do it yourself – impressive)

4 – Fake, sucking up attitudes (does this really work for people, long-term?)

5 – People who strive to make things much harder than they ever need to be (refer back to the control issue)

6 – Total and complete lack of respect for me as a living, breathing human being  (put your trash in the can, your used toner cartridge away…not in bits on my desk…what am I your nanny or could you just not figure out how to get it back in the box because you are a total numb nuts?)

7 – Killing our environment (yet you have 3 kids – lead by example, you slob)

8 – Wasting time by repeating the same mistakes again and again and again (I have a list of these as well for your reference)

9 – A constant need for control (why don’t you control your temper, your bad attitude and a host of other things I’m happy to suggest while nicely attached to my foot up your ass?)

10 – Bad Bosses!!!!

Bad Bosses, life is too short.  We are here a mere instant in time.  Why do you have to make it so unpleasant each and every day when we are here to work for you?   People like you make me think that we will never evolve.

My Life as a Ringmaster

30 Jul

When I was younger, I used to want to run away and be in the circus.  I’ll admit that it still fascinates me at times.   I get scared now, however, because I think there is a lot of meth use and I’m not really into that.   Today, I realized I am already in the circus…just not your traditional type.  Holy Smokes, I’m the GD ringmaster of a corporate three-ring circus.

Presenting the renowned circus of Ostrich, Giant Baby & Tinkles!

Ring One – Infuriating Super Baby!  Oh, this one definitely requires a whip too.  He’s been running around the ring today slamming doors.   He is a Master of Door Slamming when there is the slightest noise.  Today I mistakenly spoke to another coworker and the noise made him turn into the Incredible Hulk Super Pooing Baby!  My coworker (not Useless, who is aftraid of her own shadow) had to grab me by the arm before I went and slammed his head into my fist. 

Ring Two – Incredible Denial Man!  This would be Bad Boss #2 in his real life.   He heard the door slam (who didn’t?) and immediately buried his head in the sand!   He knows BB is a monster and is afraid of him.   He is also BB’s mentor…so, it is painful to see.  Oh, the power he could have if he weren’t in denial!  As Ringmaster, I just let him quiver about the ring each day.   Sometimes I have to move him away from the new wall we had built day before yesterday because he just stands in front of it like a sweet, old lost dog with dementia.

Ring Three – Useless Coworker!  Useless….she’s like one of those vacuuming robots that I could just turn loose  into her ring.  She’d just race about bumping into things…reversing and doing it all over again.   Her main claim to stardom?  She operates without a brain!   Her other nicknames?  Nervous Jervous or Tinkles!   Tinkles gets so nervous each day and bustles about asking me questions about what might happen.  How the fu** should I know?  Perhaps Ringmaster should shove her into a big sack with chains on it to see if she can escape!    

Ok, my sweetnesses,…have to run.  I’m going to go whip the living daylights out of Bad Boss.   I can’t even believe how infuriating he is.  What happened to my not giving a flip?  Oh, that’s right…he slammed a door in my face!

This circus thing will be an ongoing title….there is SO much to work with each day!  In the meantime?  I’ll be the wonderous Ringmaster who is spitting fire!

Next Time – The Tide is Turning

Biting My Tongue….

20 Jul

Biting my tongue more than usual this week and since I get paid on Friday…I’m having to bite it harder and harder not to say the things rumbling around in my head.   Lots of stress this week…more other stuff than work-related and my temper is a bit short.  Here are some quick thoughts in no particular order of things I WISH I could say:

To Bad Boss – “You are the rudest, most self-involved a-hole I’ve ever met.  You are a giant baby….better yet, you are an petulant little pu**y.  It would behoove your family and everyone that has to come in contact with you for you to get intense therapy.  Your firm is a joke…you, as a successful lawyer, are a bigger joke and trust me, lots of folks are laughing.   You have laughably tiny feet too.”

To Bad Boss –   “Must be nice being on your wife’s insurance.  You can get any procedure done for free…we can’t and I just had to pay $230 for something that was free at Old Law Firm.  You are at the tippy top of my sh** list, you cheap bastard.”

To Bad Boss – “I know where you park your car and you are going to need a new paint job very soon based on the fact that my keys accidentally dragged along your passenger side.  On my way up this morning, I also spit a big one on your windshield.   I thank all that is holy every day that I’m not married to you.” 

To Bad Boss #2 – “For God’s sake man, get a hobby.”

To Useless Coworker –  “I appreciate your kindness this week, but I still don’t want to talk to you.”

To Woman from 10th Floor – “Please, I beg of you, quit crapping in our ladies room!!!   I can’t take it!   Eat some cheese or something!”

To the Universe – “Thank you for letting me be employed and for having some form of insurance and the fact that I am lucky in so many ways.   Next time I make a big jump to a job and it’s a gamble….would you mind if maybe, just maybe…it worked out kind of nicely? ”

My writing is not so great this week, bear with me?   Tomorrow will be funny…..

Tomorrow – Poking Fun….

Reporting from the Front Lines….

28 Jun

I’ll be DAMNED..it is not as bad as I thought!   What a welcome surprise!   We are allegedly still open, no one died and I still do not feel like killing anyone today.   My biggest annoyance is probably Useless Coworker with whom I already have a love/hate relationship.  

Useless Coworker does not use her head – ever.   She casually tells me her access card hasn’t been working for a week, so she helped herself to the spare one in my desk and she let two of the high-speed printers run out of toner.   She couldn’t change the toner on anything if her life depended on it.  I’m already convinced she lives in a fantasy world where things just refill themselves.   I wonder how many times her car has run out of gas in her lifetime? 

So, Bad Boss is painfully quiet.   At least I have the fact that he was on vacation too going for me.   He’s grumpy that he had to return also.   He even communicated logically with me today.   Can I hope, even if just for a little while, that he realized my importance while he was on vacation?   Ok, you are right….

Tomorrow – Useless Coworker Strikes Again!

Gosh, That Number Seems Familiar….

29 Apr

Apparently, I’m meant to be mean and I can’t help it and I’m probably going to hell.  Best Friend and I joke that we will have our own bench in hell one day engraved with our names.  

I try to be so patient with Useless Coworker, but sometimes her mere inability to think for herself makes me half-crazed with annoyance.  The thoughts of strangling her seep into my mind at least once a week and then I feel guilty and that whole “hell” thing comes up again.  Since I seem doomed to repeat this cycle, I’ll just get it off my chest.   Earlier this week, Useless Coworker sends me an email that reads “Do you recognize the phone number ###-###-####, Bad Boss #3 (who she WORKS FOR) has missed several calls from that number and so have I.”   Ok…let’s stop and scratch our heads a minute and do a little math, shall we?   Her boss is out of town…both of their lines have received several calls from this same mysterious number…and I have taken the time to create and print an office phone directory for everyone to post by their phone.   IT’S YOUR GD BOSSES’ CELL PHONE, YOU NIMROD!!”   Aaaaggghhhh!   Her fricking boss is trying to call her to get his own messages!!!  She’s been here three years…his cell number has not changed…is it just ME?   I pictured myself pulling a Dexter on her ass.  Dear God, I could hardly believe it!   Between the two of them, I don’t think the common sense part of their brains add up to a small pea.   Her boss never can remember how to check his own voice mail, so he’ll either call his own line 26 times a day and then proceeds to invariably hit the wrong code or he calls her (or me) to have her check his voice mail.   I’m actually so irritated writing this post that I’m getting all tense regarding the fact they even hired her.   NO law firm experience, cries at the drop of a hat and the brain of 1/2 a pea!   It’s not like she even has big boobs or anything, which is the only reason I’ve seem some pig lawyers hire terrible staff  – just due to their knockers.

Dear GOD, please grant me patience.   I’m trying.   Most days I feel I’m the only one with enough common sense to step out of oncoming traffic….however, they are tempting me to go downstairs and throw myself into an oncoming bus.

Tomorrow – There’s a Dead Body in My Parking Garage