Tag Archives: useless coworker

There IS a World Out There

8 Sep

I’m so thankful to say that I’ve made a huge realization in the last two weeks.   There IS a world out there…a happy, functioning, grateful, well-oiled working world out there.  Of course, I am NOT talking about this crater of molten hell.   My views are entrenched more than ever on that fact.   

I’m just simply amazed that I’ve been lucky enough to have three amazing interviews in the last couple of weeks.  While interviewing and meeting these folks, I drank in every detail possible and you know what?   They were healthy places….healthy, I tell you!   Yes, I know…no place is perfect, but I’m talking about a concept I really lost complete hope in without even realizing it.  Through the right combination of much-needed anti-depressants, therapy, incredible friends , you all and my little tiny spark of hope that seems to spring eternal, I’ve realized that places of employment do still exist where people are relatively happy and satisfied.   Thank GOD!   I feel like someone that’s discovered a priceless treasure!

I had a great interview yesterday at a small firm very much like this one, with one huge difference.  The managing partner isn’t a dick of epic proportions.   He is a nice man…wanting to make a good living….and treats his employees well because he realizes that hell…it just makes life a little nicer.  I wish these butt wipes could realize that too, but it will never happen.   It reminds me of an old bumper sticker that I saw that says, “Since I gave up hope I feel a lot better.”  I am done hoping for anything positive from I’m Tired, Buttwipe & I’m a Greedy Bastard LLP.   I feel so much better.  I’m on my way out, folks, it is just a matter of time now!   I hope I don’t sound like a broken record….things are in motion…I can feel it.

We are going to have a lot more fun very soon!  You do realize I’ll be taking you all with me on my new adventures, right?   Law firms are law firms….we’ll just have new things to make fun of!

To my incredibly amazingly wonderful Jewish friends and family – L’shanah tovah!

I Really Don’t Give a Flip

29 Jul

I think it is finally happening.  Living Dilbert is developing a truly thick skin.   After 29  months of dealing with Bad Bosses and Useless Coworkers that don’t give a crap, guess what?   I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.   Once upon a time, I would have been horrified by such a personality development when it comes to my work ethic, but now I think it will probably save my life.    Now, when dysfunctional, idiotic, maddening, stupid-ass situations present themselves…I hear a calm serene voice in my head that says it again and again.   “I don’t give a flip.”   It is enlightening I tell you!

Recent examples?

1 – Everyone is up in arms about where they will put their useless crap now that the building has cut 1/2 our space.  Useless loves to come to me all shaking like chihuahua in an ice storm and says, “Have you heard where people are going to be putting their boxes?”  “Where do you think I should put BB#2’s things?”  and there it is….I don’t give a flip.

2 – Bad Bosses running around today with their shriveled peens saying, “I didn’t know THAT is where the wall was going!  Now, maybe we can move the server room again so it is quieter.”   Yes, God knows the hum must keep them from working….ooops, there I go.   I don’t give a flip – figure it out yourself.

3 – Bad Bosses trying to mark their territory with the new space and have constantly come out of their offices to stare at said new wall.   I want to scream.   Oh, that’s right…I don’t give a flip.

4 – We have no business and the only person that sent out their bills for a 3 month period is BB #2.  It was for about $30K….four weeks ago.   Has anyone paid us? No.   I don’t give a flip…just pay me unemployment.

5 – There is no room in this office for your egos, your bullsh** and your slapping each other on the back.  You constantly ignore anything that makes sense and I watch you spend countless dollars due to that fact.   You are the dumbest bastards I’ve ever met.   You will not listen to any form of reason, ever.   Oh crap..insert new motto – I don’t give a flip.

I now also don’t give a rat’s ass about working a full day.   None of you do and I’ve been doing it for 29 months.  I faithfully sit here while you flush money down the figurative commode.  Not anymore, my friends.   Here’s a flip I can use.

Next Time – My Life as a Ringmaster

More Classic Signs of Work Burnout

14 Jul

We all have them…unless you are one of the lucky few that adores your job.  If so, you probably aren’t reading this blog.  

1 – The words “redrum, redrum, redrum” echo through your head several times a day.

2 – The mere thought of climbing out of bed to head to work is so nauseatingly unappealing that you lie there an extra 30 minutes to try to come up with ways to skip work altogether.

3 – When anyone tells you anything in the office….you have to bite your lip to keep from saying, “You know what?  I really don’t give a fu**”  and that is pretty much how you feel about everything.

4 – You envision punching your Useless Coworker in the face at least once (or a 100) a day.

5 – When arriving in the mornings, you really want to say, “Holy sh**!  We are still open?  I’ll be damned!”

6 – You giggle with the thought of cramming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the tape slot where you’ve been making sure the server backs up each day because no one else can remember to do it.   I take that back, that’d be a waste of a damn good sandwich.

7 – You want to ask all your Bad Bosses and Useless Coworker, “Are you this stupid at home too?!”

8 – To pass the time, you start signing up for every piece of junk mail known to man to be sent to Bad Boss/Useless Coworkers’ houses.

9 – You want to say to Bad Boss, “Remember when you opened this firm and you actually believed you were going to be successful?  (laugh uproariously and wipe away tears for effect)  Gosh, those were the days, huh, you silly bastard?”  and then slap him as hard as you possibly can on the back and go sit at your desk.

10 – You giggle uncontrollably to yourself with the thought of any one of 1-9 listed above.

Yep, I’ve got it bad.

Tomorrow – My Life as a Garbage Collector

Useless Coworker Has Amnesia!!

7 Jul

Useless and Overpaid is either dumber than dirt or she simply must have a chemical misfire in her brain that blocks all forms of learning and the ability to pay attention.   I came pretty close to strangling her on Tuesday.   How can one tiny person be so utterly senseless???   How do I know Useless has amnesia?  

 – because she forgets to put her dishes away or wash them and they are piling up on her desk;

– because after nearly 3 years, she can’t remember a SIMPLE search function regarding our document management software;

– everytime I explain the above-referenced software search, she literally acts like it is the first time I’ve shown her.  Today she even had the audacity to take notes!!  (which she has DONE BEFORE).  She kept interjecting things like “Oh…” and “I see…” and crap like that as if she was understanding it.  I said, “Useless, I’ve shown you this before several times…” and she just kept on speaking as if I hadn’t said a word.  I was so tempted to make her cry, but the Karma Gods flashed before my eyes, so I just swallowed my disgust and will continue to plot other, more subtle revenge.  

– remember when she kept asking me what a certain phone number was on her Caller ID and it was HER EFFING BOSS CALLING HER?   Case in point…https://livingdilbert.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/gosh-that-number-looks-familiar/

Maybe I have amnesia too.  I keep forgetting what a giant stabbing pain she is in my ass.

I’m honestly not sure which is more stupid – Useless Coworker or the U.S. Postal Service for thinking for one split second that raising the postage rates yet again will actually help them out of the abyss that their poor management has landed them in….   HA!!! Don’t get me wrong, I love mail, but…if our big city is any indication of the effectiveness of the U.S. Postal Service as a whole…God help us all. 

Tomorrow – Living Dilbert Dispels Positive Quotes

The Sweet Life of Useless Coworker

27 May

Ahhh….I’m continually amazed at how sweet her life seems to be.  She has no rules and regulations here at Passive-Aggressive & Angry.   Perhaps because she is older and prone to crying fits, Bad Bosses seem afraid to say anything to her because they can’t find their nads with a flashlight.

How is her work life far sweeter than mine?

1 – Last year I think she only worked about 10 months which was  WAY over the 3 weeks of time off they allegedly promised her, but I’ve never seen in writing.  Oh yes, that’s right…Bad Boss has never given her an offer letter even though she’s been here over 2 years.

2 – She gets sick when the wind changes direction and does not hesitate going home after coughing all over the office and making the hair on the back of my neck stand up with her constant hacking.

3 – In the past, she literally brought in an exercise ball and sat on it for weeks in place of her chair and no one said a word (except me…but, I’m figuratively voiceless).  Right now, under her cube in plain view…she has work out clothes, food, a blanket, a pillow, a yoga mat and a couple of pair of shoes.

4 – She has not learned anything, but cries when she is called on it and everyone backs down (except me…see #3).  I once started a list of reasons she is a loose cannon, but Bad Boss had serious shrinkage and said, “We can’t do that.  We can’t make a list of her inadequacies.”  Really, oh He of Small Nadville…why the hell not?

5 – She always asks Bad Boss #2 if she can go home and then will come by my desk and say, “So and So said I could go home.”   I would love to respond with my real thoughts one day….oh, the possibilities.  I’m trying not to cuss on WordPress.   Go, you worthless pile of POO!

She makes me nuts and I know I talk about her a lot.   She never replenishes anything she uses or empties anything she fills.  I want to knock her down.  Oh,…I can’t because my bosses are too afraid we’ll get sued.   I guess I’ll just wait for her to fall into my booby trap.   She’s certainly a boob.

Tomorrow – Unspoken Words?