Archive | June, 2015

Growth.

18 Jun

Hi, all! Please don’t worry and forgive me for reblogging the last two posts, but this one is SO good. I thought about writing on the same subject (undiagnosed chronic pain) and I’m sure I eventually will in my own Living Dilbert way. ūüėĀ. However, this one really made some incredible analogies that I could not leave unworshipped and part of our blog community is sharing other voices. Living Dilbert gives this 4 stars. I laughed, too, because I’ve started taking care of all the plants in the house and I even TALK TO THEM! Honestly, I’m looking for my own place in the sun. Karma, maybe?

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

If you are stuck at home like I am most days, and are struggling to find something productive to do that doesn‚Äôt require a lot of energy ‚Äď grow a plant.

You can start from scratch or you can purchase a baby bulb that has just begun its growth cycle.

Two years ago, on my twentyfirst birthday a girl I was studying with bought me a Pony Tail Palm Tree.

When I first got him, he was very small and only had three leaves poking from his root.
I neglected him.
I kept him in my bedroom, away from sunlight and rarely watered him. He began to shrivel, and two years later he was merely a tiny squishy root barely emerged from the dirt.

During my bedridden state of illness, I noticed the lack-of plant on my desk, and asked my Dad if he would help me move the…

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Future Me Is an Idiot, and I’m an Asshole

5 Jun

This chick has skillz….a true gift of words with animation. The part about Future Me running a marathon is SO Living Dilbert, of course my aspirations are more like, “I really need to clean off my dresser.” Anyway, please enjoy. She doesn’t cuss as much and you probably needed a break!

Love, LD

Living Dilbert Owns Herself

3 Jun

The Real LD

The new me.¬† Damn right, I’m going to use it with pride too.¬† I’m tired of being “so nice” or “too nice” (no eye rolls from you, Main Squeeze).¬† I was most guilty of this at work when I wasn’t sending Kick-Ass Coworker private texts about how effed up our new system of management (born 1/1/14) was NOT working.¬† I called it the New Regime and basically the New Regime sucked ass as a successful business model.¬† However, any big firm has to copy what the biggest firm in town does.¬† Fricking lemmings that they are. They all do it eventually, but guess what…you can’t cram square pegs into round holes no matter how hard you insist.¬† The New Regime in most big law firms is the “team” approach (regarding secretaries), which basically all big firms going back to the good ole secretarial pool.¬† It won’t last.¬† These “brilliant ideas” are cyclical.¬† They try, they fail, they do something else, 10 years later, they come up with the same idea.¬† Rinse and repeat.¬†¬† Firms say they are doing it for “improved client service,” which is simply business-speak for saving money at the expense of client service which makes it all a hypocritical clusterfuck.

Here’s what happened in our case (and in all of them, I suspect), the hard workers get all the work on the team and the parasitic beings, such as Twatwaffle (see new members in Cast of Characters (thank you, Brea)), simply ride the wave and say every fucking time they are too busy to help, but yet they are the first to ask. ¬†This theory was proven again and again on a daily basis.

I was once asked by HR how things were going and to please give them honest, without repercussion¬†feedback. ¬†I thought, “What the fuck do I have to lose? ¬†I’m already planning Twatwaffle’s doom.” ¬†I was painfully and professionally honest. ¬†I’m damn good at what I do and I have something rare in a team environment. ¬†It’s called a fucking conscience, people. ¬†Heard of it? ¬†Apparently, in our team of 4, only 2 of us had ever considered the concept. I’ve only met about 8 in my entire legal career that really have it to their core.¬†One of the many things I love about Kick-Ass. ¬†Attorneys at big firms are not stupid about getting their work done because work = money, so they brought us all their shit to do (with their OWN secretaries at their desks clipping their nails) sitting¬†on their asses. ¬†We waited for months in vain for HR to kick some ass. ¬†That day never came and that’s when I began to lose hope. ¬†Why are law firms SO afraid to cut loose of dead-ass weight? ¬†Being sued? ¬†Last time I checked, they have…uh, lawyers there! ¬† WTF??? Have some BALLS, people. ¬†It will do nothing but increase morale and productivity! ¬†I would have proudly worked harder had it been the two of us rather than Twatwaffle and I Don’t Give a Shit Anymore and Need to Retire sitting on their asses and complaining they are simply too busy.

Ugh, I’ve had 3¬†spinal surgeries (I know, broken reacord.) and I’m currently on sabbatical, but I still do a fair bit of “advising” at the firm, so to speak. ¬†The damage this one short, sweaty little piglet partner (name TBD – ideas? ¬†I thought of Piglet, but it would be an insult to Winnie the Pooh’s friend, so I’ll use Pygmy for now)¬†and his secretary, Twatwaffle, continue to do is astounding. ¬†If only someone called them on their shit. ¬†Will it ever happen? ¬†How do you work there and live with that on a daily basis? ¬†Some old LD ideas are bubbling up and I’m about to put them into play to assist¬†with my therapy¬†– junk mail catalogs. ¬†Pygmy and Twatwaffle are about¬†to get some catalogs at work – sex toys, penis extenders, etc. ¬†Any good ideas from my brilliant friends¬†out there? ¬†I need good ole embarrassing stuff that gets their blood boiling. ¬†Twatwaffle used to be very¬†hefty (no offense meant to good people that have had this done and I do respect you, but she’s and asshole, so just looking for openings) until she went to Mexico to get a stomach staple and Pygmy is 5’1″ on a good day, sweaty and bald. ¬†Discuss.