Archive | August, 2010

Time to Start Swinging…

31 Aug

First, hello.  How are you?   A lot has been happening, which I will explain very, very soon!   I started a post about it, but then had an incident that has me hoppin’ mad and is perfect LD material!!!

Oh, the joys of a small law firm where no one has any balls are endless.   Am I the only voice of reason and sanity?  I think so.   Let me tell you, too…Living Dilbert is about to start swinging.  You know, the good ole bar brawl kind of swinging!   What is it today?   Filing space.   EFFING FILING SPACE.

Scenario?  Bad Boss #3 who I think I’ll call “Good Ole Boy” has taken over our office.  Let’s all just admit it – he’s taken over our office and the other two, my boss included, are terrified of him.  Why?  I don’t know.  I guess he has the most cahones.   BB#3 has finally left his old law firm fully, which means he’s moved his years of crap and other failures over to our newly reduced space.  There are boxes everywhere and he is letting his secretary, who I’ll call Rough N Tough, “decorate” our space.  I’m beyond horrified.   Our reception area looks like a GD cat house…and I don’t mean kitty cats.   RnT has brought vases from home that she got at flea markets and has put one on every flat surface in sight.   Good Ole Boy told Bad Boss he “hopes he doesn’t mind if he and RnR did a little redecoratin'” and once Bad Boss reattached his peen…he said “no problem!”   WHAT?  

I find it so amusing some days and downright infuriating other days.  Today it is infuriating to see two secretaries puffing out their chests over a filing drawer because none of the Bad Bosses will make a decision.   It is such a waste of time and energy and one of the 1,456,982 reasons I can’t wait to get the HELL out of this portal to hell.

More on that later…

Thanks for listening.  I’m about to go over there and slam all three of their heads together.  Whoever is still standing when I’m done is welcome to have the filing drawer.

Wishful Wednesday

25 Aug

I’m going to follow the lead from two fellow, brilliant bloggers with a Wednesday theme.  Hats off to You Are What You Eat and Reheat with White Trash Wednesday and Fix It or Deal with Wine Wednesdays.  I never thought Living Dilbert could have a theme for a weekday, but I like the idea…and the subject will be never-ending!  Thanks girls, for the inspiration.

Today I wish :

1 – that Bad Boss’ hair didn’t look just like Will Schuester’s on the fabulous series, Glee.  I love Glee and seeing the same hair is disturbing to say the least. 

2 – that people in the left lane would DRIVE FASTER and pull their heads out of their bums.

3 – that I’m here when Bad Boss gets the bill from the building for having to build the new wall since our guys decided to give up half our space.  Rumor has it, that BB will have a cow when he sees it.   PLEASE let me be here!

4 – that Bad Boss’ would go to NY for a week and get bedbugs in every possible orifice.

5 – that Bad Boss would have one of his sniveling fits in front of the other two Bad Bosses….and I could sit right here in the middle of it and shout, “SEE, what I mean??  Now you’ll understand when I quit one day without notice!”

Lastly for today, I wish the day would fly by…but, it won’t.  I will continue to sit here and work on other things because we still have no business and we all sit here diligently day in and day out.   Oh, the Days of Drudgery!  Who are they kidding?   LAY ME OFF!!!  I could save you so much money!  Oh, that’s right..that would actually make some bit of sense and Lord knows they never, ever do anything that makes sense.

Things I’m Whole-Heartedly Sick Of

24 Aug

These are not only in general, but amazingly all pertain to Bad Boss as well! (what a surprise, huh?)  I’m sick to death of:

1 – Egos (never a good thing, always in the way, and greatly exaggerated greatness)

2 – Speaker phone conversations (shut the hell up or shut your door!)

3 – Hypocritical behavior  (tell me not to do something, then do it yourself – impressive)

4 – Fake, sucking up attitudes (does this really work for people, long-term?)

5 – People who strive to make things much harder than they ever need to be (refer back to the control issue)

6 – Total and complete lack of respect for me as a living, breathing human being  (put your trash in the can, your used toner cartridge away…not in bits on my desk…what am I your nanny or could you just not figure out how to get it back in the box because you are a total numb nuts?)

7 – Killing our environment (yet you have 3 kids – lead by example, you slob)

8 – Wasting time by repeating the same mistakes again and again and again (I have a list of these as well for your reference)

9 – A constant need for control (why don’t you control your temper, your bad attitude and a host of other things I’m happy to suggest while nicely attached to my foot up your ass?)

10 – Bad Bosses!!!!

Bad Bosses, life is too short.  We are here a mere instant in time.  Why do you have to make it so unpleasant each and every day when we are here to work for you?   People like you make me think that we will never evolve.

My Life as a Mummy….

20 Aug

In continuing the “My Life As” series, I had a total epiphany today.   I realized I might as well be an old Egyptian mummy here at Dickhead, Wanna Be and Good Ole Boy LLP.  We have so much in common.

1 – I am old and tired and awfully angry.

2 – I once lived a rich, fulfilling work life, but it has all dried up.

3 – I sure as hell want to curse all those around me and put all types of plagues on them.

4 – My hands are tied and my body feels bound and I’m stuck in eternity trying to make change.

5 – I want to be freed, yet I remain undiscovered.

I’m so tired of these fricking yahoos here.   There is so much passive-aggressive energy in the air from Bad Boss today that I am nearly choking.   If I WAS a mummy, I’d go in there and strangle him just like the mummies did in the old black and white movies.  I might throw him around a bit at first.   In the latest mummy movie series, that mummy could do some cool stuff. God knows there are enough roaches around here and I could tell them all to come hither and crawl down Bad Boss’ mouth or better yet, up the other end.   I want to scream today and all I can manage is a sickly moan.

The Power of Now

18 Aug

I know, just the mere title alone makes you want to vomit.   Often, when hearing positive type book titles, I roll my eyes and dramatically stick my finger down my throat!   Bleechhh.

However…Bad Boss has been out of the office for a few days and I find myself feeling an odd feeling – happiness.  Plus, after my successful move in with Main Squeeze this past weekend, I’m feeling downright content!   What is Living Dilbert to do?  Well, I think I’ll just be happy in the here and now.   I’m not always so good at that.  I used to be the Master of What Ifs, but I’m working on it.  I am using this rare, peaceful time to do personal things, like cancelling home services and dealing with moving stuff while at work. 

This week’s scenario completely justifies my feelings of hate and anxiety when Bad Boss is here in the office being a total buttwipe.   He’s here – I’m miserable.   He’s not here – I’m happy.   I do not have a Ph.D. in psychology, but even I can read between the lines. 

Bad Boss #2 has been roaming the halls the last day or so like a kitty in a new home that just plain doesn’t know what to do.  He needs to feel important and just can’t seem to without Bad Boss groveling at his feet.  Yesterday, he told me he has clients coming in to town and could I find 6-8 hotel rooms for them and conference space.  Sure, hang on, pull pants down…pull it out of my ass.  What?   We are in a convention city here…it is not as easy as you think.   Oh, that’s right…Bad Boss #2 is also apparently a Director of the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau and knows all about hospitality trends and he says all the hotels are begging for business.  Well, silly sir, I used to be in hotel sales in my early 20s…and you are so wrong!   Thankfully, I pawned this ridiculous task off on Useless Coworker and I’m quite proud of myself about it.

Bad Boss a/k/a Terd Face, returns tomorrow.   He will be angry and stressed.  Speaking of the Power of Now?  Now, I’m going to reset the time on his computer back about 10 minutes.  It’ll drive him mad.

Lessons Learned from Moving

16 Aug

You know what I learned helps the most with a big moving day?  MOVERS.   Mine never showed.  Thankfully, I hadn’t paid any kind of deposit, but I sure was disappointed.   You were right – still better than Bad Boss things I have to do each week.  Two vans and one very good friend later, we got it done yesterday.   Have you ever been so tired that you start seeing things out of the corner of your eyes?  It’s happening.    Moms out there….I salute you even more.  I don’t know how you do it – with no sleep and working full-time.  

On an extra good note, Bad Boss is out til Weds.  He couldn’t have picked a better time!   If he was here today…well, well….one of us would go home crying before the end of the day. 

I’ll try to get some sleep tonight because even I miss Living Dilbert!!   I’m too tired for sass!


Moving Day….

14 Aug

Today is it….MOVING DAY and I’ve had waaaayyyyyyy too much caffeine!  Still waiting for movers to arrive and he’s, uh, six hours late.   Thankfully, I knew he had a tendency to run late…and he did call me, but is now only an hour an a half late from his last estimated arrival time.

I’m used to being patient generally….and waiting for this is better than waiting for Bad Bosses to get off their fat asses.

I’ll admit I just finished a 20 oz. Mountain Dew with another waiting for me in the fridge.  I hope I don’t overdose.   At least I’m going with the real sugar kind!

Main Squeeze is watching HDTV while we wait for the movers…and wishes they’d get here already, but is thinking of ideas to redesign our new home.   I’m thinking up things I can give away on Freecycle next weekend.  

People!  I’m giving up 8 years of living alone for this….but, it will make for some good material.   Uh oh….Main Squeeze just read that over my shoulder….

Signs of Screwdom

12 Aug

Yesterday, one of my secret plans came to a complete halt.  Bad Boss called me on my “work hours.”   Yes, it is the most asinine thing in the world based on several reasons that you all are privy too.   I knew I was screwed when I arrived at work yesterday morning to an email from the previous afternoon at 5:50 pm that said, “Are you still here??!”    Uh oh.  Uh, no…I wasn’t.   Being the passive-aggressive, diaper pooping baby that he is, Bad Boss was just setting out the bait for me.   Houdini, I am not.  First of all, the Man of Many Personalities SAW me leave at 5:20.    I do it all the time! 

Yesterday Morning scenario:  

I arrive at my usual 9:45ish.   Bad Boss comes flying out of his office and races the entire 30 feet to my desk and says, “What shift do you work??!”   Shift?   I didn’t realize we had shifts or a time clock and I’m a salaried manager.

Bad Boss:   “Are you quitting on me or something?”   Oh, God….how I fucking wish.  I had to bite my tongue on that one.

Me:   Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:   “Do you work 9:00 to 5:00 or 10:00 to 6:00 or whenever you feel like it?” 

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “Sputter, sputter, blah, blah, phhhhhhhhtttttttttttt, sputter.”

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss:  “You need to tell me when you are leaving early or going anywhere or doing anything!”   Leaving early??  This from the man that never works 7 hours a day and disappears for days without telling me.

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no expression.

Bad Boss then races the 30 feet back into his office and slams the door and stays there for several hours.

Later that day….

Me:  Still sitting with blank expression on my face and silently cursing every tiny cell in Bad Boss’ body and thinking of anything I may have at home that I can sell that’d give me a couple months salary to fully do a job search…of which there is nothing.

Bad Boss:  “These cherry tomatoes someone left in the kitchen sure are good.”     

Me:  Stare blankly at him with no response.   Thinking in my head…”I hope one gets caught in your windpipe and guess who ain’t doing the Heimlich…”   I could write an entire blog post about things I wish he’d choke on….

Lastly, did he need me for anything at 5:50?  No.  Do we have ANY money-producing business?  No.  Is he just a controlling, mean bastard?  Yes.

Next Time – Pay It Backwards

I’m Special

10 Aug

In this hellhole of a place, I must say it is nice to know I’m special at times.   I’m so special here at the firm, that:

1 – If I’m out for a day or two, Bad Boss stays away too.   I don’t think he can come to work unless I’m here.  However, as you know, when I’m here he doesn’t let me have any power or really do much.

2 – No one can put water in the fridge if I’m not here.

3 – Or sodas.

4 – Or refill any coffee supplies or even put water in the Keurig machine.

5 – Replace any toners or paper.

6 – Go get the mail.

7 – Replace the back up tape.

8 – Keep their own computers operating.

9 – Send out their own personal bills for their homes.

and, last, but not least of all…..

10 – Wipe their own fannies.

It is funny to me that even in an office where no work is actually being done….that it can’t run without me!

Happy Tuesday!

Technical Difficulties

9 Aug

Living Dilbert is having some technical difficulties of her own today – be back tomorrow!

Don’t go away…..