Do NOT Tell Me to Do a Yeast Cleanse

9 May

Angry and Itchy!

Angry and Itchy!

I have hives. I think about people that piss me off…I get hives. I stumble in the mornings….I get hives. I diet…I get hives. People talk to me…I get hives. I think about having to talk to other people…I get hives. Do NOT tell me I need to do a GD cleanse. I’m not allergic to anything…except, maybe anger. I’m just plain angry…and that beats sadness most days.

I am a lucky girl in many aspects. I have a loving home with an incredible partner, I have a great job (now), I have a car, I have food, I can walk….yet I’m angry and when I’m not angry, I’m dead inside. It is starting to get old. I miss being carefree and silly. I’m sure Main Squeeze misses it too! Don’t think I’m not trying, but it’s gonna take time apparently. It was the same when my sweet Mom died a few years ago. Really bad stuff happens and you get BOILING, FIRE-SPITTING ANGRY because that helps a little and simply because you are so damn foot-stomping mad that you have no say in the matter. It just is.

Ok, I find myself getting pretty deep here. Maybe if I approach the problem at hand by challenging myself – things will get better. Today I challenge myself not to tell anyone to go fuck themselves or to NOT punch anyone in the face. Think that is doable? I sure hope so, because with my fused back, I don’t think jail would be good for me.

Just wanted to stop in and say that this is where I am – I hope I can still provide some smiles. Today, I came across a blog that made me FEEL something, so for all of you out there having any kind of emotional struggle – this is for you. Please read and look at the pictures – it’s purely genius. I’ll be here looking for my little bit of corn.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Coming Soon: Ten Reasons Living Dilbert Would Not Fair Well in Prison

220 Days

28 Dec

It has been 220 days. Hard to believe.

Let’s pick up where I left off before my life changed horribly. I had lost my weight and was getting ready to have a huge spinal scoliosis surgery. Where’d I go before that? What happened?!

One of a kind.

One of a kind.

220 days ago on May 23, 2012, I got a call that nearly killed me and my soul. Remember Best Friend? The Best Friend that I wrote about early on who shaped who I am today and that I loved unconditionally every day for 20 years? Who I talked to every day for 20 years? Who, together, we handled relationships, marriages, disasters, loves, life, some Bad Damn Bosses and a million billion memories in between? Best Friend committed suicide on May 23, 2012.

It was 5 weeks before my surgery. I can’t even begin to describe my shock and despair. I’m amazed I’m still here and breathing. I will write more about this later, but know I have survived the worst thing I ever could have imagined and I’ve had some damn doozies in this life. I lost my Best Friend. A lot had to be done to pick up the pieces of her life – her dogs, her home, all our memories. It was a task I would not wish on my worst enemy (if I had one). But, I wake up every day and I’m still here. Does that make sense?

Living Dilbert is still here. She nearly died from this loss, but damn if she is not still here.

Lisbeth, this one is for you. I hope you are in a better place, free of anguish. Know that I love you, I miss you and I hope to see you again one day. You were an amazing, kind, giving human being that I wish loved herself as much as those of us around you. The world is not quite as bright now, but I will find a way.

I am going to celebrate the incredible person you were…and therefore, who I am.

Someone has to carry on your priceless sarcasm, right?

Top Five Coping Mechanisms

5 Apr

Hi - I’m still here…working away.  Wanted to check in because you all are so damn great.   Each day seems to get a little harder with my dadgum back.  It just insists on feeling like I’ve been pumped full of shotgum pellets and I know rod surgery is in my future!  I’m still dieting and am down…13 pounds!   Lady Surgeon only wanted me to lose 15, so I’m nearly there with 26 days til Decision Day to go!   Yay!   It hasn’t been easy..work has been SO busy…life…pain…work…pain…and all the annoying, self-involved asses in this world.   How does Living Dilbert manage to cope?  

Top 5 Living Dilbert Coping Mechanisms

1)  Dreaming of all the things I will eat after my surgery and I’m all gaunt and pale.  No one will have the heart to scold me.  Kind of hoping people will even bring me yummy things to eat.  I have a bucket list of foods I think about on an hourly basis.  

I miss you.

2)  I’m thin.  To all of my allegedly helpful people that constantly gave me back advice and how I should exercise more and to lose a few pounds with their cute little wink and ESPECIALLY to Doris Doomsday who says I’m too obesessed with food – well, bite me.  I’m thinner than you now and you can suck it.

3)  Make myself giggle.  When someone is ugly to me, I go into my teenage boy mode – I snicker about putting poop in their office or actually pooping in their office, on their doorstep, Fedexed to them, etc.   Face it, poop is funny.  However, poop is not funny when someone else does it before I have to go pee pee in our ladies room and it is stinky.

4) Plants vs. Zombies/Words With Friends – hooked.  Such wonderful escape time when I finally get home to bed even when most people whip my butt because I get the worst letters of all time.    Zombies, like poop, are funny. 

Go ahead, eat my brainz.

 5) Positive Attitude – this is a tough one some days.  Thank God, I usually have one about myself when I’m not planning other’s doom and destruction.  I have to chalk the good attitude up to my sweet Mom (who passed away several years ago), I do not know how she did it with all the tough parts about her life and HER back pain which started in her 40s too.  Mom, I know you are with me and it’s helping. 

 Don’t think I’m going all soft now – I still got lots of game.   Peace out.

Link

The Whatever Factor

27 Feb

The Whatever Factor

Hi!  Are you having a good week so far?  I simply must share something that will help – I mean it – will HELP your Monday!  I’m not a giant reblogger and it is nothing personal to anyone, but damn, I could not pass this up.  Izzy is an old blogging friend and she is on a hell of a roll.  Wanted to share.  She has total Living Dilbert sass or I have The Whatever Factor sass, not sure.. .but, please read and enjoy!  I’m still chuckling and LD needed a chuckle today!

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Diets Sadden Me

14 Feb

Back update and I know health stuff can be tiring, but you have my word that I’ll keep it funny (I hope you think so!)   - Found the perfect surgeon – a woman, and she’s amazing.  I was in awe my last appointment as she used all the words regarding adult idiopathic scoliosis that I know so well.  I have found the ONE.   However, it isn’t all romance and kisses.  She looked at me and matter of factly stated – “Blah, blah, blah, probable surgery, 46 degrees…blah, and then looked me right in the eye and told me that I must lose 15 lbs.  Pardon?  I even looked behind me…but, she was talking to me.  “It will be good for your back and even better if we go forward with surgery…”   I heard many things my last appointment, but this one is sticking out like a fricking neon sign in the desert.   Doesn’t she realize that when my back feels like I’ve been shot by a 12-guage that I need a chili dog with cheese?   I need those crispy perfect little tater tots?  I hung my head. 

Life can be tough, but I have to suck it up.  It is ironic that the ONE thing (besides Main Squeeze) that brings me so much joy is being removed from the picture for quite some time.  You don’t understand, I love to eat badly.  I eat like a guy to the delight of most of my friends.   I try to like healthy stuff, but after 46 years…that probably ain’t gonna change.  Sigh. 

This weekend I attended a 3 year old’s birthday party.  It was so precious, but all I could think was “For the love of God, can’t some kid bring in a Happy Meal?”  I envisioned knocking them aside and stealing all the contents.  Hey, I’d give them the toy.   I push the ugliness aside and smile sweetly as I have yet another slice of cucumber and want to puke in my mouth.

Being a responsible grown up is hard sometimes, isn’t it?   I want to stamp my feet and cry til I get a tater tot!

Doris Doomsday

17 Jan

We all know one – male or female.   These fine folks are the ones that no matter what you tell them – news item, random fact, day of the week….they sure as hell know a terrible story about it and want to share it.  

I’m afraid Living Dilbert has been having back problems resulting from a late dose of teenage idiopathic scoliosis that left me with a 40 degree curve.  I know, I know…you are already bored, so I’ll try to make this quick.  Basically, I’m 46 and now have the spine of an 80 year old and the mother fucker has been hurting – a lot, for 7 months.  I’ve tried it all – selective nerve root blocks, steriod injections, radio frequency lesioning…uh…acupuncture, cupping and the list goes on and on.   Unfortunately, it ain’t working.   There’s a very good chance Living Dilbert will be getting cut and fused in the near future.  Do I like it?  Hell, no.   Am I terrified?  Yes.  Am I wearing down from being in pain nearly 20 hours a day?   Oh, hell, yes.    Thank GOD, I like this job and the people so much and it has allowed me to continue to work, even though many days I drag my left leg down the hall, resemble Quasimodo with my grunts and drool (no humpback…but you get the facial implications of constant pain).   Hey, I can still walk -that’s a huge plus!

Now that you have the background…I can write many posts on this and try to keep it amusing!   Anyway, I told a lady here at work that I probably would be getting surgery…mistake.  The first thing she tells me is that of the two people that she knows of that had back surgery, they were both ultimately paralyzed and one died.   (Language disclaimer) Shut. The. Fuck. Up.   Why the fuck would she tell me that?  Oh, the same reason some other guy tells me that he had the surgery about 155 years ago and that his back is about to fall out.   Terrific, just the thing to cheer me!

Folks, I know none of you do this.   For any of you that may know someone who does, for the love of God PEOPLE, if someone shares with you…do not tell them how someone died from it, or pooped in their pants the rest of their lives or anything similar!   Put a GD gag in your mouth and fricking think before you speak!  

Living Dilbert is inches away from punching the next one who does this to me in the face.  I will simply blame my powerful pain meds.

Going Rogue !

28 Dec

Ok, we all know it happens….rogue nose hairs. I noticed one this morning when I was doing my usual make up application so that I don’t look so damn tired and 150 years old.  It’s a process, people.  While dabbing on this and that, my tired eyes spotted it – the rogue nose hair.  Upon closer inspection, there it was – in plain sight and it did not want to go back into the nostril!  I cajoled it and told it I’d deal with it later, but it kept popping out.   I knew it must be dealt with or I was in for a long day.  Sure enough, in rushing to get to work I had forgotten about my new friend.   On the glorious drive to work (because this is the ONE good traffic week a year) I did a final spot check of my appearance…and DAMN, there it was!  The same nose hair was proudlly gleaming at me and I’d forgotten to clip it!   NOW WHAT??  Great, I’m going to have to get some work scissors and find a quiet spot with a mirror to try to get it.  If not, I’ll spend all day wondering if people are looking at me in conversation or “it.”   Ladies, you know it happens!   Men, well….maybe not so much.  I’ve spotted many of you that do not seem to care if you have several rogue nose hairs.  Let me tell you…it makes it really hard to concentrate on what you are saying when they are just staring at us begging to be trimmed!  God forbid when there is stuff attached to them too.  I shudder at the thought.

Do yourself a favor, when and if you spot that pesky, rogue nose hair in the mornings – STOP IT, CLIP IT, RID YOURSELF OF THE BURDEN then and there.   Don’t put it off like me.  I’ll be tucking that sucker back in all day!

Hope you all had a fantastic holiday – we have a LOT to catch up on together.

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